Everyday Life

I haven't posted lately because there really hasn't been too much to report, which I suppose I am exceptionally grateful for. :)

The kids are doing well. Kylee approached me with grave concern today, asking why she had "frinkles" around her eyes. Was she asking about wrinkles? Freckles? I replied that we all had a little bit different skin around our eyes. She looked at me and said "But MOM...I have FRINKLES around my eyes!!!!" Let me say that this grave diagnosis was only made more serious by the fact that Kylee had dressed herself...and was wearing a too short purple skirt with a pajama top...that was on backwards.

I was lost, and decided to employ the tried and true reply of "That's how God made you."

She let me off the hook.

Later in the day, she approached me and asked "What would you like today?" She stood in front of me with her pencil and notepad poised to write. I obligingly ordered a hot fudge sundae. She replied that "they" didn't have hot fudge sundaes today. I asked "What is your special today?" She responded "Well, my puppy is freaking out and is all wiggly and just crazy, so...." and that was that. I looked over and Buster was sleeping quietly next to the couch.

How appropriate that today's special at Casa de la Carlson includes a dose of crazy. Once again, I am amazed at how perceptive our daughter is. :) At Kylee's suggestion, I ended up ordering some blankets and a pink teddy bear. It cost me "three thousand hundred" dollars.

Connor continues to amaze us with the speed at which he is learning and growing. Yesterday, he was proud to show us his "Way To Go!" sticker that he had received for being the first in his class to write 10 words with the letters of the day in them. Sure enough, there were ten words, written in his handwriting. What a boy! He is also reading everything in sight. It is great to hear him sound out letters and put words together. We are pretty proud.

Our latest struggle with Connor is trying to get him to hold onto his gloves and hat (this tells you what a good kid our son is that this is one of our "issues"). After losing his hat once, I gave him a (probably too) stern lecture about putting his winter items directly into his backpack so that he didn't lose them. I threatened him by saying that he was going to be REALLY cold when he didn't have a hat or gloves out at recess (not one of my proudest mothering moments...but I think he knew I wouldn't really send him to school gloveless...at least not on a really cold day). ;)

Today, when he came home from school, we were, of course, missing a glove. I asked him repeatedly where it might be. We looked, and looked. I stomped and glared and sighed excessively. He was upset about me being upset, but kept looking.

I found the glove on the floor of our truck. I once more (not-so-gently) asked him to PLEASE put his gloves and hat in his backpack AS SOON as he takes them off.

About five minutes later, he came up to me and said "Thanks for finding my glove, Mom."

Oh, geez. I felt about 2 inches tall and my heart melted. "You're welcome, Buddy."

We hugged. I treasure those moments because hugs aren't given as freely by my kindergartener as they once were.

We are now waiting for Brandon to get home so we can eat dinner together. The commute home has taken him an hour and a half due to the bad weather. In the meantime, the kids are playing together, fighting only occasionally, and Buster has peed on the floor. In the process of cleaning up the mess, I think I got dog pee on the leg of my pants.

Life is so glamorous here I can hardly stand it. And I'll take it...every minute of it.

5 Months

Wow. Five months ago today, we met our precious Caden Adair. Then, about 5 hours later, we told him "goodbye".

I suppose it might be a bit cliche' to say that we can't believe how quickly the time has gone. But I'm going to say it anyway. It has been five months since I felt our baby move inside me. Five months since I held him, smelled him, kissed him, and looked at him, trying to memorize every tiny detail of his face and body. Five months since I saw all three of our children together.

8 months has passed since we were diagnosed and told our baby would not live. And now, we prepare to face our first holiday season without our fifth member.

Thanksgiving went well. We travelled to Lindsborg and spent time with Brandon's family. It was a short trip, but a good one. The day after Thanksgiving, however, was really hard. The kids and I decorated the house for Christmas, which is always a sentimental time for me. Many of the decorations we put out belonged to either my Mom or my Grandma, who both LOVED Christmas. So, I think of them as I put things out...happy for the memories, but saddened because they are not here with us. The hardest part of decorating for me, though, was realizing that last January, as I put the decorations away, I did so thinking "Next year, we'll have a new baby in the house when I put these out!". Realizing that this wasn't so was not unlike being punched in the gut. I was supposed to have a little one with me. The Christmas music was supposed to be interrupted by a little one cooing or fussing. I was going to get to shop for three kids this year. Oh....

As usual, it was Connor and Kylee to the rescue. They were SO excited to put the decorations all over the house, and watching them sift through boxes while wearing their pjs...all of us warm and cozy together...made it possible for me to find joy in the midst of a painful day. We made a special Christmas ornament for Caden and hung it on the tree. They were both so excited to incorporate our baby into the preparations.

We have been told that many families who have dealt with infant loss find something symbolic that reminds them of their little one..common ones being angels, butterflies, or rainbows. We have found that our symbol for Caden is a teddy bear. I have always loved teddy bears, and it seems that they remind us of our special boy more often than anything else. I think that Santa will be bringing Connor and Kylee a little teddy bear in memory of Caden this year. It is nice to have some way to bring him into our Christmas tradition...because he is, of course, always in our hearts.

10 Thoughts

Good Evening.

I came across this list on another blog this last week, and wanted to share it with all of you. I find it very poignant.

When speaking with my students about our experience, many of them have asked me..."What do I do or say when caring for someone who is dealing with loss?" I think this hits the nail on the head.

The timing of this is interesting to me...as we approach the holidays, I think it is important to remember that they are not necessarily all joyful for many families. While it is a wonderful time of year, it is also a time that reminds us in a very real way that those that we have said goodbye to will not be with us around the Thanksgiving table or opening presents with us on Christmas morning. Be it death, divorce, illness, job loss, financial hardship...whatever...the holidays can be a lonely and painful time. I pray for those families who are hurting this year and invite you to pray along with me.

At any rate, here is the list. I hope it will be especially helpful to those of you who are comforting someone who is hurting this holiday season and in the months and years to come. Maybe, if you are the one who is hurting, it will help to put words to some of your emotions.

Thank you, once again, to all those who have comforted us in so many, many ways:

1. BE THERE FOR ME. If you are my friend, reach out, talk to me, hold my hand, hug me. Know that even though we may say we are all right, we will never be all right again.

2. WE ARE DIFFERENT. Understand that what has happened will change us forever and if you are my friend, you will accept me for what I have become, for who I am now, a person with different goals and different priorities. What was once important to me may no longer have any meaning.

3. BE A GOOD LISTENER. We want above all else to talk about our loved one. To us, they will always be alive in our hearts, and we don't want others to forget them either. Don't be afraid to mention their names in our conversations. They were real people at one time, even though they are no longer with us. They had hopes and dreams we'd still like to share with others. Please don't pretend they never existed.

4. NO ONE ELSE KNOWS HOW I FEEL. We all grieve differently. Please don't tell me you know how I feel. You don't. Rather than asking me, "How are you feeling?" ask me "What are you feeling?" I can probably give you a more honest answer.

5. I MAY GRIEVE FOR A VERY LONG TIME. There is no set time limit to my grief. It may take me two years; it may take me five years. I have to do what is comfortable for me. Be patient. I will do the best I can in whatever amount of time it takes.

6. KEEP IN TOUCH. Call me once in a while. I promise to do the same. Invite me to lunch or to a movie. I will eventually go, because I will eventually feel better. Don't give up on me and don't forget me. I am trying to do the best I can right now.

7. I MAY CRY AT TIMES IN FRONT OF YOU. Please don't be embarrassed, and I won't be either. Besides being a natural emotion, crying is also a cleansing emotion. By crying I can relieve a lot of anger, frustration, guilt and stress. And best of all, I feel much better after a good cry.

8. I PUT A MASK ON FOR THE PUBLIC. Don't assume just because I am functioning during the day that I am "over it." I will never get "over it." I try to function normally because I have no other choice. You should see me when the day is over, and I am in the privacy of my own home and free to let my emotions out. My day mask comes off and I am just a mother, aching for her child.

9. SOME DAYS MAY BE OVERWHELMING. The slightest thing can trigger a bad time. It can be a song, a place I go, a holiday, a wedding or even smells or sounds. If I break down and start crying or seem to be in another world, it is because I am thinking of my loved one and longing for what I will never have again. I may need to try different things before I find what will be right for me in my new life. Encourage me to reach for the stars.

10. LET ME DO WHATEVER MAKES ME HAPPY. We will never forget our loved one. The pain never leaves. It just softens a little with time. We eventually function again, feel hope again, find joy in our lives. It is a long road that we travel, but with the help of friends and relatives who understand a little of how we feel and what we are going through, perhaps that road will lead to new paths to enrich our lives in new ways we never dreamed were possible.

Trick or Treat, Smell our Feet...:)

Give us something good to eat! I must note here, that if our son were finishing this chant, he would conclude with something about pulling down your underwear if you don't...ah, television.

We had a great time trick-or-treating on Halloween. Our Halloween began with our traditional first stop at Grandma Paula's house. After that, we enjoyed dinner at the Blakemore's, and then the kids went and participated in a trunk or treat sponsored by a nearby church. We then headed up and around The Square, where again, the treats abounded. Above is a picture of Connor (pirate mummy) and Kylee (Tinkerbell) with Georgia (the flower fairy) and Georgia's friend, Tiernan (a bride).

The kids both made quite a haul. Now, three weeks later, we have polished off the "good" candy. Now the residual Smarties, Now N Laters, and Tootsie Rolls will sit in the cannister on our kitchen counter until Easter, at which time they will meet the bottom of the trash can in order to make room for chocolate eggs (which trump Smarties any day of the week in this house).

Prior to Halloween, the kids were excited to carve their pumpkins:

Kylee actually just painted hers, and then enjoyed making her own design with the carving tool (which resembled more of just a hole in the pumpkin rather than an actual jack-o-lantern face). However, over time, we have learned the hard way that it is certainly NOT in our best interest to advise our daughter on her artistic creations (particularly when she is holding a carving tool).

Connor and I were grocery shopping on Halloween. A man came on the loudspeaker and announced "Happy Halloween! Today all our pumpkins are FREE!". The pumpkins were in a big pile outside the front door. We already had our pumpkins for the kids. But...the word free invokes some kind of strange adrenaline rush in me. I looked at Connor, said "We've got to hurry!", and made a mad dash for the front of the store (I was somewhat impaired in my mad dash by my cart that was heaped with groceries). We abandoned the cart in the entryway of the store and ran outside. Connor picked his pumpkin (with me standing there chanting "Hurry, Hurry!"...I was afraid an innocent stocker was going to try to put our abandoned groceries away), and I picked out one for Kylee. Just what our cart needed...two huge pumpkins. But they were FREE! We paid for our groceries and went out to the car. I decided in that moment that I wanted to pick up one more pumpkin...for Caden. I debated, and then went and grabbed one more (after all, they were FREE!)...telling myself that really, decorations look better in odd numbers rather than even numbers. Later, I realized that it was okay to pick out a pumpkin for Caden...for no other reason than I just wanted to.

Now, our free pumpkins grace our porch. All three of them.

Reflections

It is a relatively quiet Sunday evening here at our house. Connor and Brandon are outside playing football (they went to the Chiefs game today and came home all pumped up despite another dismal loss), and Kylee and I are holding down the fort indoors. Ah, peace.

In anticipation of the holidays, I have been thinking a lot about Caden...and am wondering how this season will be for our family. Last year at this time, we were just finding out that we were expecting another little one, and spent the holiday season in anticipation of having three kids to celebrate the holidays with in 2008. Little did we know, we were beginning a different kind of journey with our third child.

I have been struggling a bit lately with handing situations over to God...and realizing that just because you go through something really trying and difficult in life, it doesn't mean that you are exempt from pain from that point forward (the last two years of our lives have made that much evident). We are both waiting to find some sense of tangible purpose in Caden's death...and some days are easier than others.

One morning a couple weeks ago, I was driving home from dropping Kylee off at preschool. I was listening to the local Christian radio station, and a Pastor was giving a mini-sermon on the air. Usually, I change the station (I do not share my husband's passion for talk radio) when this happens, but on this particular morning, I listened. The sermon was about having gratitude in any situation. That had my name all over it. I needed to listen.

The Pastor concluded his lesson by telling the story of God's promise to Abraham...that he would be blessed with more descendants than he could count. Of course, you may know that what makes this story most interesting is the fact that Sarah, Abraham's wife, was well past child-bearing age when God revealed this plan. The Pastor went on to say that God fulfilled His promise to Abraham, through the birth of a son and then many other descendants, but Abraham didn't live long enough to see the entire promise fulfilled (descendants that numbered more than the stars in the sky).

God always fulfills the promise.

But He may not choose to do that in my lifetime.

If He doesn't show me, His will is still perfect.

Hmmmm.....

This day gets even more interesting, because I heard the story of Abraham and Sarah two more times on THIS SAME DAY through different venues.

Wow.

I miss our baby terribly. Will we hang a fifth stocking on our fireplace this year in memory of a boy that is not with us? Buy a special ornament for Caden? Cry on Christmas morning because he isn't here with us? I don't know.

But, this I do know...God will be there to hold us as we feel our pain or sadness. I suppose that's all that matters. Hopefully there will be joy for us as we celebrate the birth of the Christ child. I hope that this holiday and birth celebration will begin a new phase of life and rememberance for us. In a season of hope, I will be making a conscious effort to acknowledge that God is with us, fulfilling his promises to us....and whether our Caden is with us or not, he is the fulfillment of a very special promise to us, as every child is.

For that, I am thankful.

Fall Festivities

Hello!

It has been awhile since I've written. Life has been busy, as I know it is for all of you, with the extra added fun of being attacked by a stomach and cold bug. Ugh. I am on the mend now, thankfully, and the rest of the family has remained healthy. Hooray!

A couple weeks ago, I had the pleasure of attending both of the kids' school parties. Kylee's was a Fall Party (no costumes) and Connor's was a Halloween party (with costumes). It was so much fun to watch them interact with their peers. They both seem genuinely happy at their schools, which is such a blessing.

Here are some pictures:

Each child got to make their own bucket to carry goodies from the party in.

Master of the balloon walk! :)



Kylee and her lead teacher, Ms. Pam.

A special Halloween hat.

Best Buds Abby and Kylee.

Two more special projects: A spider hat and a spider web.

And now, switching gears to Alexander Doniphan...

Connor (aka, a "Pirate Mummy") created a marshmallow spider with lots of candies to make eyes, etc. with.

Connor and his friend, Adam (aka, the Incredible Hulk).

The kids got to play "keep the spiders on the web".

After his party, Connor and I went out into the hallway where some of the class work is on display. He read me one of the amazing stories that he has written. This one was specifically about using adjectives (you can see "BIGST" written on the cover). He read me the whole story and was quite proud of his work. I was quite proud, too. :)

The Great Wolf Lodge

A few weeks ago, we took the kids to The Great Wolf Lodge for two nights. It was a wonderful getaway. The kids loved playing in the waterpark, and there was also a cool arcade, bedtime stories, and a neat game called "MagiQuest" that we all participated in.

It is ironic to me that the biggest attraction at the lodge, which is their huge indoor waterpark, was actually not the kids' favorite thing. I think that number one on their list was the arcade. They played several games and even won a few cool prizes. Connor took home a radio and Kylee snagged two little ducks:

They also had a "Cub's Club" where the kids could do crafts. Kylee painted a little piggy bank (sparkly pink, of course!), and Connor painted two magnets (a pirate and a race car):

The kids also got to pick out and stuff an animal (kind of like the Great Wolf version of Build-A-Bear). Kylee picked a panda and Connor picked out a yellow puppy.

Perhaps the highlight of the trip was our room. It had sleeping quarters for Mom and Dad, and then the kids got to sleep in a "tent" that was all their own, complete with bunk beds and a TV. Connor was in heaven. He claimed the top bunk:

Our evenings were spent participating in MagiQuest...a giant scavenger hunt that takes you all over the lodge on various "quests". The kids both had magic wands that make things come to life in the hallways. You can see Connor using his wand to make the fire in the lantern turn on. This is also a glimpse of Kylee's "I'm a total rock star" pose. It's one of her favorites lately. :)

We came home tired and reeking of chlorine. It was great!

Four Months

My brother sent me these pictures of the kids earlier in the week. They were taken outside the hospital as we all sat outside together on June 29th, waiting for the medications I had been given to induce labor to take effect (when you are facing infant loss, you get different privileges, like being allowed to sit outside in the fresh air during your induction).

These pictures strike an interesting chord with me. They are actually some really great photos of our kids. However, looking at them is, for obvious reasons, heartbreaking. In a way, these pictures show my children with an innocence that would no longer exist just 12 hours later...when they were brought into the hospital room to hold their baby brother who had already left this earth.

The picture of the two of them sitting on the picnic table is interesting to me. As Connor looks upward, Kylee looks more toward the ground. I feel this is an interesting parallel to the journey we have been on since losing Caden four months ago. Desperately looking towards heaven for comfort, and at the same time, feeling the weight of the situation dragging us down. As you look at this picture, you can see the peace in both of the kids' faces. Amazing.

This month has been a tough one. I said goodbye to my Grandpa on October 2nd. I have since been struggling to wrap my mind around the last two years...why on earth God would ask me to say so many good-byes to people that I love the most. I haven't found an answer to that one yet. I am struggling daily to feel His peace. Some days are better than others. The image of my Grandparents, my Mom, and my son all together in heaven is a beautiful one, but also one that evokes a certain amount of jealousy and sadness in me. Someday I will join them, but for now, I am blessed to be here amongst my family and friends on Earth.

I wonder what Caden's legacy will be. I have a sense that He was sent to us as a part of something bigger...and we are searching for what that legacy is. As I reflect on our experience, it seems a bit surreal that we went through such a long and painful process. In some ways, the pain is so fresh it feels like yesterday. On other days, it seems like it has been 4 years instead of 4 months. The newness of the grief is wearing off a bit, and in its place is a sort of grief that is almost more difficult to bear. It is the grief that occurs when you realize that your arms are empty, that right now, Caden would be 4 months old...receiving his second round of immunizations and learning to play with baby toys....the shock wears off and in its place is different pain.

I miss our baby. Connor opted to share about Caden on his show-and-tell day at school earlier this month. He took Carl, his Build-A-Bear that was created in memory of Caden, and a picture of him holding Caden to show his classmates. They asked great questions, and our oldest son fielded them like a champ. It was the first thing out of his mouth when he found out it would be his turn to share..."I want to tell them about Caden". I was able to be there when he shared, and it was incredible. Kylee asks, on occasion, to watch Caden's DVD. Sometimes I try to talk her out of it because I know it upsets her, but she is insistent on seeing her baby brother. We hold her and watch the images flash up on the screen. She now has her favorite pictures and her favorite songs on the DVD. She gets a Kleenex and settles in for a good cry. We shed some tears together (she often uses her own Kleenex to wipe Mommy's cheeks, too), trade hugs, and then she goes on with her playtime. Our kids teach us so much about life....and I am so blessed that they want Caden to continue to be a part of our daily lives. Sometimes we need to share him with someone who didn't previously know of his existence....and sometimes, we need to take a quiet moment to look at him and just cry because we miss him so much. It's all a part of healing.

I ask for your prayers as the holidays approach. When we found out we were pregnant, one of the first things we dreamt about was having three kids with us at Christmas. I know that this season will be hard as I mourn the loss of both Caden and my Grandpa. I pray for joy in the midst of sorrow. Hearing the Christmas story this year will hold a new meaning...Mary anticipating the birth of a son whom she would later watch on the Cross. While I would never pretend that I could even comprehend that moment in Mary's life....the death of her son....in some ways, I feel that we were called to make a similar sacrifice.

To our Caden...you are so deeply, deeply loved and treasured. Your presence in our family is not diminished because you are not here. We carry you with us each and every day...in our hearts and in our souls. We look forward to being reunited with you in heaven...when we can hold you, touch you, smell you, kiss you...get to know you outside the womb.

Thanks for being our precious angel.

A Different Kind of Healing...

Good Evening!

This last week has been full of fun for our family. I have been perusing petfinder.com over the last several weeks, sometimes out of a strong desire to adopt a puppy, other times just because looking at four footed little ones is fun. Last week, I stumbled across a litter of shepherd/lab/retriever mix puppies that happened to be right here in Liberty at the local animal shelter. Uh-oh.

With Brandon's blessing, I showed pictures of the puppies, who had been dumped on the roadside, to the kids. They decided they'd like to go and meet the puppies (big surprise). I talked with them about the responsibilties a puppy brings along with it (I could almost hear my parents delivering the same speech to me when I was a kid), and they both decided they were open to the challenge. Last Tuesday, the kids and I went and looked at the litter. There were five there...two yellow males, one yellow female, and two black and tan females. One of them, in particular, caught our eye. That very evening, we adopted and named Buster, an 8 week old male lab mix. He came home with us on Wednesday afternoon.

The next two nights quickly reminded us why we had originally decided not to get a puppy. Buster whined, scratched, and whimpered in his crate. However, the loud noises and lack of sleep at night was easily made up for by watching the joy in Connor and Kylee's faces as they played with Buster. Wicket, our eight year old mutt, although slightly less enthusiastic about the new addition, has handled it well.

Over the last several evenings, Buster has come to be okay with being in his crate, and is coming out of his shell (which means chewing on everything in sight). He seems quite happy here. It is nice to have something vibrant, cuddly, and adorable in the house for the kids to play with. Now, if only we could convince him to go to the bathroom outside all the time....but really, training a puppy seems a little easier after potty training two children.

It feels good to do something that allows us to move forward. We had put off doing something like this, believing that we just didn't have the time or energy to invest in it. I personally came to the point at which I decided I was tired of waiting...and was tired of asking our kids to wait...for something to bring a new sort of joy into our lives.

We are glad Buster is here.

Our Flower Girl

Kylee was asked to be the flower girl in a former student of mine, Erika's, wedding. The neat thing about Erika (in addition to the fact that she is a Jewell nurse, of course!) is that her family lives in our hometown of Lindsborg, and she and her family attend the same church that Brandon's family attended there while he was growing up. As a result of this "small town connection", Erika has done quite a bit of babysitting for us during her time up here in Liberty. Erika and Danny were married in the same church Brandon and I got married in. Small world.

In the weeks prior to the wedding, Kylee oscillated between being excited to be the flower girl and being mortified at the thought of walking down the aisle. When we pulled out her dress, she was definitely more excited than scared. She did a great job at the rehearsal on Friday night...trying hard not to grin from ear to ear as she stood up at the front of the church with the big girls. Then came the wedding on Saturday. She made it down the aisle next to the seven year old ring bearer (named Brandon), but did so without any semblance of a smile. And there was no flower throwing, either. She clung to her basket for dear life and made a beeline for the altar. To be honest, I had a similar reaction at our wedding, when I realized just how many people were staring at me. She comes by it honestly.

Apparently, being the center of attention is only fun when it's done entirely on your own terms.

Best wishes to Erika and Danny as they begin their lives together as husband and wife! We were honored to be a part of your special day.