A-ha Moment

We are coming up on the two year anniversary of Caden's "Heaven Day", and I find, as June approaches, that my emotions run high. Recalling where we were at...emotionally, physically, spiritually....at this time two years ago combined with looking at where God has brought us since then stirs up so many different feelings inside me.

We have been so blessed by Caden's Cubs and the families we have had the honor to provide Build-A-Bear giftcards to. 2009 was a busy year, and we have given out several cards already in 2010. We learn a little bit about each family's story, and hearing each story gives us a chance to go back and relive some of the memories of our precious Caden.

One mom e-mailed us this week, thanking us for the giftcard. She also sent us pictures of their trip to Build-A-Bear with their son, who created a dragon in memory of his little sister. We are so touched by this family's willingness to allow us to share in their journey. Communicating with this family has led me to reflect deeply on how we felt as we walked a similar path...and yesterday was a rough day for me emotionally. As I read this mother's words, raw with grief, the tears rolled down my face and sobs built up inside my ribs.

I thought to myself...Why, God, Why? What is the purpose of this hurt, this pain? Why does anyone have to endure this ultimate devastation? These are our BABIES, God! All we wanted was to hold them, love them, to watch them grow....

After a bit of a rough afternoon, Brandon and I got to see Steven Curtis Chapman in concert last night (there are no coincidences, I tell you!). So many of his songs have touched our lives deeply...and as many of you know, after the Chapman family lost their 5 year old daughter in an accident two years ago (just a month before Caden was born), Steven released a new album "Beauty Will Rise", which tells a portion of their family's journey through grief after the loss of their Maria. This album resonates in a big way with us, as do several other of his tunes. We were excited to go.

During the concert, Mr. Chapman reflected a great deal on his struggles following his daughter's death. As he sang for us, he called attention to a line in one of his songs..."It's all yours God, yours God, everything is Yours..." and commented on how, even when we grapple to understand what we will never be capable of comprehending, we must trust that EVERYTHING is God's.

Lightbulb on.

As I feel sadness that penetrates my innermost core, I must realize that Caden was never ours to begin with. Our marriage, my family, our friends, our home, our work, our Church, our health...it's all God's. Connor, Kylee, Caden, Hadley....all His. So really, when He called Caden home, he was claiming something that is rightfully His. We weren't robbed of anything. He was never ours to begin with.

This doesn't mean that we can't wonder why, or struggle to understand what it was we were meant to learn as a result of our journey with Caden. Yes, of course, we are deeply saddened that we will never get to watch Caden grow. We don't get to celebrate birthdays, holidays, toothy grins, baby buns, learning to ride a bike, or first days of school with him. We grieve never getting to tuck Caden in bed at night, or rock him to sleep after storytime, or pray with him. I am reminded, however, of what a gift these times that we get to experience with Connor, Kylee, and Hadley are....and they are a gift....not an entitlement. The only guarantee we are given is that God loves us and that our road will be littered with difficulties. But if we trust, even when the hurt is more than we can bear and there are far more questions than answers, we will be rewarded by getting to spend eternity with Him.

So the whole, "God, why did you take him from us?" question....well, perhaps the answer is "he was mine to begin with".

The true gift will come on the other side of eternity....when Brandon and I someday elbow each other out of the way to run into the arms of our son....and walk with him to the feet of our Savior.

It is ALL yours, God...everything is Yours.

Easter Happenings!

We had a great Easter this year!

Our celebrating began with the Second Friends Easter egg hunt up at William Jewell College. This has been our fourth year in a row participating in the hunt...each year the kids make their own "egg catchers". This year, Kylee's was a butterfly:






A good lookin' class:




Connor and Kylee got to participate in an egg hunt organized by our friend Sam. She and her girls hid eggs all over the Union at William Jewell, and the kids ran to find them. They loved it!



Two of our "Easter Blessings" posing in front of Gano Chapel on Jewell's campus. I love it!



After Church on Easter Sunday, the kids opened their Easter presents:







We wrapped up the holiday with another hunt in Baldwin City, hosted by Grandpa and Grandma McKinney. Here are the cousins all lined up with their loot!




This was our first Easter with Hadley with us. Every image that we capture with our three kids is so precious to me...especially as we celebrate holidays together. When you have known the pain of not having one of your children with you on a holiday, you celebrate the gift that a holiday spent together as a family is in a different way, I think. The love and joy that Connor and Kylee have for Hadley is so apparent. We are blessed by the gift of new life each of our children has been to us! Does this crowd look like they belong together, or what?!

Hadley's On The Move!

Hadley has recently revealed her newest trick...she's movin' and groovin', folks!

Her crawl is fairly unique, as you can see. She kicks out her left leg and uses it to propel her forward...maybe it gives her a little speed boost. :)

Connor and Kylee have been amused by all of this (you can hear Kylee cheering Hadley on in this clip), but are a little surprised when Hadley all of the sudden grabs something of theirs. We are talking a lot about how important it is to keep small objects up off the floor now! It is so much fun to watch her explore.

Look out, world!

Spring Break Fun!

We were very blessed to take our third trip to Walt Disney World over spring break. Brandon's parents took the whole Carlson bunch to Florida, where we enjoyed 5 action-packed days together. The kids had a great time seeing their North Carolina cousins, and it was so much fun to watch everyone experience all the marvels of Disney together. I thought we'd share just a few pictures with you all.

Both the girls got to have their pictures taken with the princesses:

Constant chaos...here are all the kids posing with their stuffed animals, many of whom were new "friends" from Disney.

A magical moment...

Connor, who wasn't so big on the princesses, did think it was cool to see Eeyore:

We are so grateful for Grandma and Grandpa Carlson's generosity. We made memories that will be treasured forever!