One Year Ago Today....

As many of you may recall, on March 30, 2008, at our 20 week ultrasound, we were told that our baby was to become an angel. Approaching this anniversary date has affected us in ways that have been somewhat unexpected. Neither Brandon or I slept well last night and we both are just feeling a bit unsettled today. I have already had two good cries this morning...and will probably have another one tonight as I remember sleeping a year ago in a lonely hospital room, uncertain of what the morning would bring. I will be overcome with gratitude that tonight, I get to sleep beside my husband, with my children in the rooms next to ours, feeling our unborn daughter kick and turn inside of me. I will be overcome with sadness that the baby I carried one year ago is not here with us.

We were unaware, on this day one year ago, of the journey that was beginning for us. We were hopeful, that with enough bedrest, hydrotherapy, and IV fluids, that our baby would be okay. Reflecting back on the experience, I think we would have been much more scared if we had known, at that time, what the next few months would hold for us as we carried a baby that we would never get to bring home. God has great wisdom in only dishing out information as we can take it, although when in the midst of a crisis, the lack of answers is perhaps the most frustrating part of the process.

We would learn what it meant to simply "get through". We would face our worst fear...saying goodbye to one of our children. We would have to explain to our children that things don't always work out they way that we want them to...and sometimes, God calls even little babies to come and live with Him. We would feel discouragement and loneliness unlike any other. We would be told, over and over again, that the right decision, in the eyes of some, was to terminate the pregnancy. And we would learn, for a fact, how much we value the life of our children....born or unborn. We would also learn what an incredible support system surrounded us, as, on this night one year ago, my family stood around my hospital bed, holding hands, saying a prayer for Brandon, Connor, Kylee, and I, and for our unborn son. It was the beginning of so many prayer circles formed on our behalf.

Incredible. And painful. Anniversaries, particularly the first ones, are so difficult. When in the midst of a difficult time, the stress of the situation causes your body to go into overdrive....in a way, almost preventing you from experiencing the emotions that would accompany the situation in a different circumstance. But months or years later, that "overdrive" sensation is gone, and you are grieving the loss in a way that is perhaps even more raw than when it actually happened. It is very healing, but also very difficult.

Today is also the nine month anniversary of the day we met Caden. I have spent time this week looking at pictures of him and can't believe how strong the longing to hold him is. His naked little body, his gorgeous red hair, his sweet little cheeks...all formed so perfectly. Seeing the love in our family's faces as they gazed down at him. It's amazing.

Baby boy, we love you more than words can express. And, as painful as the journey that began one year ago today has been, we are so thankful for the days we had with you.

You were worth all of it.

The Tooth Fairy Visits

Last Sunday, Connor lost his first tooth. It had been hanging by a thread for quite some time, and Sunday, it finally popped out. :)



Here's a picture of his toothless mouth:

On this same day, Connor was also running a fever and was not feeling very well. So, in this photo it is apparent that he just isn't into the whole "capturing the moment" thing. However, as his mother, I persisted. Who doesn't find it important to document the first "putting my tooth under my pillow for the tooth fairy" experience? He'll thank me later, I'm sure. ;)

The tooth fairy did indeed come and left Connor $1.00 for his tooth. He has since argued the EVERYONE else gets $5.00 for each lost tooth, although he is unable to site exactly who this is that has received that hefty a sum for their pearly white. Gotta love a guy for trying.

Kylee, on the other hand, wanted assurance that the tooth fairy was NOT going to come into her room. The whole notion freaked her out entirely. Although, since seeing Connor's reward, she now tells us that when she loses her first tooth (convinced it will be any day now), she's going to leave her window open so the tooth fairy can for sure get in.

We enter another phase of development....is our oldest REALLY going to turn 7 in June?

What Will You Celebrate?

We spent the last week in Florida enjoying all the spoils of Disney World. It was a great trip. As you may recall from a post I did several months ago (me whining about not being able to go to Disney after Caden was born), this vacation has been a dream of ours for some time now.

When we asked the kids where they wanted to go on vacation this year, the answer was a resounding "DISNEY!" I grumbled and groaned about financial irresponsibility, and my husband looked at me and said "Sometimes, you just need to go."

He was absolutely right. I am so thankful that we went!

Disney's theme for this year is "What Will You Celebrate?", which meshed quite well with the reasons we took our trip. We were celebrating healthy children, God's goodness to us in the midst of the most difficult year of our lives, a strong marriage, and the gift of new life. Most of all, we were celebrating being together, away from the daily stresses and strains of life...being happy and removed from the world for a bit.

Bright and early on Saturday morning (following our great sonogram on Friday), we boarded a plane destined for palm trees and sunshine. This was our second time at "The World" as a family, so our pace was much more relaxed and we were able to do only what we knew we would enjoy most. The character meals were a completely different experience (the kids loved them!), and the kids also had fun getting autographs from all the characters this time around.

We spent our first day at Hollywood Studios. Highlights of this park included visiting Lightning McQueen and Mater, the Power Rangers, and a cool Star Wars Jedi Demonstration:

Our next stop was the Animal Kingdom. We went on "safari" to see all the wild animals, but the kids' favorite part of the day was digging for dinosaur bones in "The Boneyard". These first two pics do a great job of capturing our children's personalities. I love it!

Day three took us to the Magic Kingdom...our favorite park. One of Connor's faves is the Speedway in Tomorrowland. He drove me around (insisting with much dismay that I wasn't pushing down the gas pedal all the way...he gets his SpeedRacer tendencies from his father), and Daddy and Kylee rode together.



Do you think Kylee is excited to be at Cinderella's Castle?

We ended our day with the SpectroMagic Parade and fireworks. Here's Connor gearing up for the action:

Our fourth day found us at Epcot having breakfast with the Princesses. Kylee attended dressed as Snow White. Here are some of the best shots:

Connor, on the other hand, wished the floor would just swallow him up. Mulan insisted on a photo op:

Our last day was spent in Fantasyland at the Magic Kingdom. We had a great time riding rides, and started our day with breakfast with Winnie the Pooh and his friends:

We ventured into Ariel's Grotto so the two red-headed princesses could meet:

No trip to Disney is complete without a ride in a teacup:

We also visited Mickey and Minnie's houses. Kylee was super-excited to see that Minnie had a tea set!


Connor decided on this trip that Pluto is his favorite Disney character. We found Pluto's doghouse in Mickey's backyard:

I will end with some amazing pics we snapped of the kids playing on the beach at our hotel and in the flower gardens surrounding the Lodge. I love these shots!

Although a trip to Disney is a HUGE celebration, perhaps the best thing to celebrate was that, upon our return home, we still had so many reasons to be happy. After a year of constant strain and stress, it was incredible to come home able to anticipate the arrival of a healthy baby, enjoy two wonderful kiddos, stable jobs, a comfortable home, our family and friends....and knowing that this trip was an important landmark in our healing process.

We hope and pray that you find something to celebrate...in the ordinary or in the extraordinary....today and every day.

The picture of Cinderella's Castle at night (found at the top of this post) is lovingly dedicated to the Vogel family in honor of their daughter Jael Elise, who was born and received into heaven on March 28th, 2002. Hope, I wish you could have been there to see it with me!

She's a Beauty!

Thank you for your prayers today. We had our sonogram and our baby girl looks PERFECT!

Her measurements are right on target, we were able to see her heart, bladder, spine, and stomach...and all is just as it should be. And there was lots of black space around her...hooray for FLUID!!!!

We are so extremely grateful. The kids came along and thought it was really cool to see their baby sister on the screen. Our littlest member even managed a mini wave and opened and closed her mouth a few times for us. It was so much fun.

Throughout the whole experience, I think both Brandon and I were overwhelmed...with relief, sorrow, and anticipation. Relief because this baby is healthy, sorrow because Caden wasn't, and anticipation...as we look forward to beginning a new chapter with a 6th member of our family...whom we, God-willing, will be blessed to bring home with us.

Have a great weekend. I know that we will!

Approaching Friday...

Many kind folks have inquired as to when our 20 week sonogram is. I appreciate it that people have asked, because it means they understand, on some level, the anxiety that surrounds this typically joyous landmark of a "normal" pregnancy. Our sonogram is this Friday.

On March 30th of last year, our world came crumbling down around us. Our 20 week ultrasound quickly spiraled into a real-time nightmare as we saw the lack of fluid around our son.

Knowing that our baby girl has kidneys and a bladder has helped to relieve some of this fear as we prepare to walk into the sonogram room this time. However, there is a residual anxiety that we carry with us as a result of our experience with Caden...so we are grateful for your prayers. We have decided to take the kids with us, hoping that getting to see a healthy baby on the screen will bring healing to them. They are counting down the months until this baby joins us here at home.

Pregnancy after loss is incredibly healing. I wish I could express how different our approach and reverence for this little life is following the loss of our son. Every landmark is even more precious...every little kick a huge blessing. We know these moments are to be treasured...and the realization that some babies' lives, like Caden's, consist only of the time they've spent in their mother's womb drives this point home even harder.

Moments of uncertainty are also magnified...the fears, the knowledge of what all could go wrong...tell me that we won't fully enjoy this little one until she is here with us on the outside...breathing and moving in our arms. Every appointment brings my heart up into my throat...will we hear or see her heartbeat? Is she okay? Will there be fluid? It's a far cry from the typical "How much weight have I gained THIS time?" type worries I had in my pregnancies with Connor and Kylee.

The other thing I have learned, thanks to our journey with Caden, is that we are entirely powerless to control the outcome of this pregnancy. And if, heaven forbid, we were asked to go through another loss, He would get us through it. I praise Him through that uncertainty, and trust in His plan for this baby...praying that she gets to come home with us, but knowing if, at any point, we get bad news, we will celebrate our daughter's life for what it has been so far. This viewpoint is a blessing and a curse. We are soaking up each and every day that she is with us.

We will let you know what Friday brings. And in the meantime, thanks for your prayers.

Big Brother and Sister's Shopping Spree :)

Connor and Kylee were excited to see pictures of their sister...so excited, in fact, that they didn't notice they were holding their pictures upside down. :) But who can really tell what you're looking at in those sonogram pictures anyway, right?

As you might imagine, we were so excited to share the news of our pregnancy with Connor and Kylee. Part of the reason we waited so long to share our news with others is because it was important to us to tell our kids first...and we wanted to have as much information as possible about the health of the baby before we told Connor and Kylee. This meant waiting until we were able to visualize kidneys and a bladder on sonogram, which happened about 2 weeks ago, at 16 weeks' gestation. We had a first trimester screening test done, of which there are two parts...bloodwork and sonograms, each set done one month apart. We completed our first portion in January and our bloodwork and sonogram looked great, but it was still too early to tell if the major organs were intact and functioning appropriately. So, it was an agonizing month long wait until we were able to have another sonogram done and see our precious little lady floating around in fluid with kidneys and bladder intact. But the wait was worth it. My bloodwork from the second portion of the screening also came back normally, which was another huge relief, as my AFP with Caden was out of whack...so hearing that this AFP was normal was yet another PRAISE!

We had our sonogram at 9:00 in the morning, and after receiving great news all around, waited until we picked Connor up from school to share the excitement with the kiddos. Sure enough, Kylee's first question was "Is this baby going to die?"...and we felt very blessed to be able to tell her that this baby has all the parts she needs to breathe and live outside of Mommy. We have learned not to answer questions like this with a "no" or "yes" answer...God is in control and we don't want to make promises we can't keep...but overall, it was great to be able to offer a reassuring answer to that question!

We then shared that our baby was a little girl. Connor said "OH, MAN!" as he instantaneously realized that he is now, officially, forever outnumbered. Brandon assured him that the two men would stick together...and after all, Buster is a boy, too. ;) And, as I remind Connor, the boys in this family have an angel on their team which beats any number of girls here on earth. :)

Our next stop with the kids was Babies 'R Us, where they had a great time picking out outfits, blankets, and stuffed animals for our newest member. There was A LOT of pink in our cart!! Here are some pictures of them with their things for baby sister:

We love you, baby girl!

We'd Like to Introduce You To....

OUR BABY GIRL!!!!!

Here she is...and see all that black space around her? That's fluid!!!!

Due August 2nd, 2009

Heart, Brain, KIDNEYS, and BLADDER all present and accounted for :)

We are so very, very blessed.