Our Heart Day!

The last two weeks have been full of fun for us. We started with Kylee's school Valentine's party, where they decorated sugar cookies and made special Valentine's bags to hold their goodies.

Would you like some cookie with your sprinkles and frosting?

Triple Trouble...Kylee and her best buds, Emily and Abby:

Later in that same week, we attended Connor's party. He had made a Valentine's sack to hold his cards and candies from his friends:

Connor got to decorate a sugar cookie, too, with sister standing by:

Last weekend, Grandma and Grandpa Carlson came for a visit. As a part of their time here, they were able to go to school with Connor and participate in "Big Book Time". Connor got to read some of the books he's written to them during their visit. Connor thought it was super cool to have Grandpa and Grandma in class!

Grandma and Grandpa stayed for lunch, too:

It has been a fun run...hope your February has been great, too!

We Love School!

Good Afternoon!

Today is a beautiful day here in Missouri and it makes me realize how ready I am for SPRING! Hooray for the sunshine!

The past couple of weeks have been busy for us, but full of fun activities. Connor had a busy week at school last week...he and his class celebrated their 100th Day of School together, and I was fortunate enough to be invited to the party.

Here's Connor stringing his 100th Day snack...100 Fruit Loops...onto a string:

No party is complete without a hat:

Connor making his "Counting by 10's to 100" craft...

I also got to attend Doniphan's kindergarten "Moving with Moms" night where moms got to participate in some of the kids' favorite gym games. Highlights for me included surviving a 10 minute game of freeze tag (it seems like an eternity when you're running around a hot gym trying to avoid getting tagged by a fast kindergartener!) and managing not to have a heart attack while taking laps around the gym because I got hit with a balled up sock in a "snowball fight" (moms vs. kids...Connor stood just across the line and spent some quality time repeatedly trying to pelt me). It isn't often that I get time with Connor by ourselves, so I was grateful...even if it was more physical activity and subsequent respiratory distress than I've had in about 6 months.

Brandon took the kids to Doniphan's PTA "Reading Picnic" where he, Connor, and Kylee got to participate in a few different reading activities together and then eat pizza at a "picnic" in the cafeteria. While the rest of the family was at the picnic, I was busy teaching Buster how to "leave it" and "lay down" in obedience school. I would have rather been eating pizza, but hopefully, we'll have a well trained dog to show for it someday. :)

Kylee's school had their "Pajama Day" last week, too. She picked her purple princess pj's and thought it was pretty cool to wear her jammies to school:

We are over halfway through the school year and I must say, it has gone quickly! We feel so blessed that Connor is having such a great experience at school, and that Kylee is, too. They adore their teachers, have made great friends, and are learning a ton. We are enjoying every moment of learning and growing with both our kiddos!!

Another Goodbye

This last weekend was a rough one for us as we had to say goodbye to our dog of 8 and 1/2 years, Wicket. As many of you know, we had to put our yellow lab, Winnie, to sleep in April. Wicket suffered from the exact same ailment (gastric torsion, now made famous by the movie "Marley and Me"). She was acting weird all night last Friday night, and then Saturday morning, she continued to act strange, at which time I noticed the ominous bloated belly. Brandon and Connor took her to the vet right away where our fears were confirmed. Kylee and I joined the boys to tell Wicket goodbye.

It was terrible. And completely unexpected. I couldn't believe it. After everything we've been through in the last year...and now one more loss. The vet couldn't believe it was us again, dealing with gastric torsion. She said that she typically sees 1-2 cases of it a year. Leave it to the Carlson family to have two dogs pass from it in the span of 9 months. She assured us that there is nothing that we could have done to prevent it or cause it.

Enough, already!

Connor, in particular, has had a hard time. He is a big animal lover and loved every minute of playing with his dogs. He shared the news about Wicket with his classmates on Monday and apparently started crying. His teacher gave him a hug, which he reported, "made things all better". Yesterday, he drew a picture at school in memory of Wicket. I have posted it above for you all to see. When he got home from school, he decided he wanted to paint a picture for Winnie, which is also above.

I have found myself in the midst of somewhat of a faith crisis...wondering if I have the energy to endure much else, or really, to watch my kids endure much else. How can such young, tender hearts be expected to comprehend such loss? Maybe that's just it...they don't worry about comprehending it...they just trust it, feel it, and move on.

It has been sad without Wicket around the house. She was such a good dog. We miss her. We were very grateful that we had Buster to come home to after telling Wicket goodbye for the last time.

We keep moving along, hoping for the rainbow that follows the storm. I know it has to be coming soon.

Baby Boston's Marathon

Good Evening!

After a particularly long day at work, I was sludging through my various e-mail accounts before heading to bed. On a whim, I decided to wind down the evening by visiting some of the blogs that have been set up by families that we've been praying for lately...one of whom is Baby Boston's family...Dad Brian, Mom Sarah, and Big Brother Clark.

Boston is due to appear on the scene in just a short time and has been predicted to be born with Pierson Syndrome, a rare kidney disease. We sent Boston's family a gift certificate for a trip to Build-A-Bear through Caden's Cubs and they posted a blog about their experience helping Clark create a special bear in honor of his baby brother. You can read their story and see pictures of their Build-A-Bear experience at Baby Boston's Marathon.

Seeing these pictures was such a blessing to us and we thank Sarah for sharing them. We feel so honored that God has allowed us to share Caden with other families. We ask that you join us in praying for Baby Boston and his Daddy, Mommy, Big Brother, and many others who love him and await his arrival.

Baby Boston, you are in our hearts and prayers daily. May God keep you safe and strong and bless your family...who reaches out to others by sharing their faith during this time of great uncertainty.

Missing Caden

As some of you know, I have started my semester at William Jewell, teaching sophomore nursing students the art and science behind Health Assessment.

Typically, I teach in the fall, spring, and summer semesters of school. This year, however, I had arranged to take the fall semester more or less "off" from teaching because we were anticipating having a newborn in the house. When we found out we weren't going to get to bring Caden home with us, we decided keeping my teaching load to a minimum in the fall would still be a good idea...to allow me time to recover physically, mentally, and emotionally from all that the summer held for us.

While I was up on campus occasionally during the fall semester, I was really able to focus on things here at home. I realized as I was preparing to start my class this semester that I was, in another way, returning to "normal". I found that there was great comfort in that, but it was also hard. This return to teaching meant, in a way, that I was taking a step further away from losing Caden (this may sound crazy, but bear with me). I was going back to a familiar routine...putting on the professional attire, interacting with students who have no idea what I've been through in the last year...and it was a bit surreal and somewhat sad to enter this new phase of our grief and recovery. But I know it is time.

I met my class this week. As I was riding up in the elevator on the way to give my first lecture, the tears just started rolling down my face. "What on EARTH?!?!?!" I thought. Great timing.

I thought about it. The last time I taught this course, I was pregnant with Caden. I got to bring my precious boy with me to work. It was something I got to experience with him...and given that he didn't live outside of my womb, those intrapartum experiences are all the memories that I have with him. Outside of our sonograms with Jan, teaching class at William Jewell was one of the only "fun memories" that I have with Caden. Not that he did a lot of teaching (in the traditional sense, anyway), but he was there. WITH ME. Those days together are important for many reasons, and I think my emotion stemmed from the realization that I would miss having our precious boy with me as I stood at the head of the classroom.

Because of dismal Doctor's appointments, frustrating sonograms at the perinatologist's office, and dark moments of fear and doubt, I don't have a lot of happy memories of our time with Caden. Teaching at Jewell, where I was supported and loved by my colleagues, embraced by my students, and getting to do something that I have a great passion for, was a GOOD memory from this summer. Connor and Kylee have both spent time with me up at Jewell...and Caden got to do that, too.

Taking one more step towards a "new normal" is something that I am grateful for. But I am also grateful, as Caden's Mommy, that I had the opportunity today to realize how much I miss him. The "missing him" is different because I didn't know him while he was alive and on the outside of my womb. There aren't many experiences I recall with him that make me reflect on my pregnancy and how wonderful it was to have him inside me...but today, I had that moment. Realizing that there is something we used to do together and that I'm going to miss was very powerful.

Our God works in strange and wonderful ways.

Catching Up!

Hello!

It has been a good week here at the Carlson house. The kids are back at school, Brandon and I are in our routines with work, and the weather is cold enough to freeze just about anything.

Brandon graciously downloaded pictures off of our cameras and phones, and I realized I have a lot of catching up to do. So, here is a gallery of our November-January. :)

Our holiday season began with a trip to the vet. Buster had gotten himself all cut up while he was let outside to go potty. I let him out and then heard this horrendous yelping. I went out and found him bleeding with rather significant gashes on both sides of his face. We ran to the vet, me panicking and yet trying to comfort sweet Connor, who was convinced that Buster was going to meet the same fate that our yellow lab, Winnie, did (she was put to sleep in March after suffering from gastric torsion...yet another great Chapter in the dismal year of 2008 Carlson saga). Buster stayed the night with the vet and we picked him up the next morning with about 8 new stitches. Since they were so expensive, I thought we should at least document their appearance with a photo:

Brandon and Connor have been taking karate together at a local Dojo here in town. Brandon took lessons before Connor was born and then took a sabbatical for a few years. When Connor expressed an interest in learning the art, Daddy was happy to oblige. The guys recently tested for new belts...Connor receiving a black tip and Brandon moving up another degree with his brown belt. We were so proud of Connor especially as it took lots of courage to get up in front of everyone and demonstrate what he'd learned. Here are some pictures of them on test night:

Connor showing us a part of the kata that he demonstrated for his test:

Kylee, not be left out of the fun, showed us some karate moves of her own (notice the striking similarity of this to her "I'm a rock star" pose in an earlier post):

Then we move to Thanksgiving. Kylee had a party at her school. All the kids dressed as pilgrims and they moved around to different stations...singing, playing games, drawing, and even making muffins and fruit salad. Here's Kylee and Abby at the food station:

When asked what she was most thankful for, our daughter said she was grateful for "flowers".

We celebrated Thanksgiving in Lindsborg with the Carlson family:

Grandma Carlson brought along some fun crafts that the kids had a great time working on. Above is Connor showing off his handiwork with Grandma and Great Grandma.

Kylee and Grandpa Carlson:

And then it was December...

The kids both had Christmas parties at their schools. For Connor's party, I was in charge of the "Dress the snowman" station (similar to pin the tail on the donkey). Here are Connor and several of his friends gathered around the snowman:

Kylee appeared in her first Christmas program. She was dressed as a horse.

She sang and did motions for each of her "Jesus songs" like a true champ. Grandpa and Grandma Lori were on hand to witness the event:

A special smile with Daddy and Mommy:

Kylee's class did a Christmas book exchange after the program. Here's Kylee with her new "Clifford's Christmas" book:

We began our Christmas celebrations by hosting the McKinney/Haneke clan at our house for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Here are the kids with their presents from Santa:

*A warning about Baby Alive...yes, she does ACTUALLY pee and poop. All over your carpet, chairs, wherever...if she doesn't have a diaper on. It is like potty training another child. Not a low-stress gift...it's like your own "Baby Think It Over" that they use in home-ec classes to teach teens the importance of abstinence. Yikes. She LOVES it, though.

One of our Christmas traditions is scratching lottery tickets. This year, I think we won a whopping $32.00, which is a pretty significant haul. ;) Here's Connor helping Uncle Jordan reveal his winnings:

After Santa visited us in Liberty, it was time to pack up and head to North Carolina. We spent a great deal of time waiting in the airport due to weather delays. Here we are hanging out in Atlanta. In this picture you can also see my SUPER COOL National Championship Jayhawks sweatshirt that my husband gave me for Christmas:

When we got to North Carolina, the kids had a great time with Grandma, Grandpa, and the North Carolina Carlsons. They really enjoyed getting to listen to bedtime stories with Drew, Amy, and Beth:

A special moment with Grandma:

We concluded our Christmas celebrations with some time in Baldwin City. Here's Grandpa McKinney with a lapful of Grandkids:

The four cousins:

Finally, we end our gallery of photos with a new experience for our kiddos: bowling. We attended Spencer Chase's birthday party and the kids got to try it out. Kylee wanted nothing to do with it, but after watching a bit, Connor dove in, and actually won the game:

Stay warm and thanks for looking!

A Special Announcement

Good Evening!

We are starting off the New Year with some special news....

As we went through our pregnancy and delivery with Caden, we were constantly searching for some meaning in or the purpose of our hurt. We don't believe that God puts you in those circumstances without wanting you to DO something with your experience...because, unfortunately, others will encounter a similar hurt some day. So, we asked "How can we serve those that will follow us?".

It's amazing how God answers prayers. He brought us a trip to Build-A-Bear with Connor and Kylee, which I wrote about last summer. They were both given the opportunity to create a special bear in memory of Caden, courtesy of our friends Doug and Polly Hare. They loved it. An idea was born.

After some brainstorming and idea-sharing, we are excited to announce the formation of "Caden's Cubs"...a special project through which we hope to provide that same experience for other families with other children who have said goodbye to or are anticipating the arrival of a terminally ill baby. Through Caden's Cubs, we will provide these families with a gift card to Build-A-Bear for each sibling, with which they can create their own special bear or animal in memory of their baby.

Build-A-Bear has generously offered a discount to Caden's Cubs for the purchase of gift cards. Even more amazing has been Patti Lewis, who, through Alexandra's House, has set up a mechanism for supporters to make tax-deductible donations to Caden's Cubs through the Alexandra's House website.

If you're ever so inclined, or would like to purchase a bear for siblings you know through "Caden's Cubs", you can donate at http://www.alexandrashouse.com/ and designate "Caden's Cubs" in the memo line of your donation. Then you can e-mail us at thecarlsoncrew@yahoo.com and tell us about your loved ones and provide us with their address. We do the rest.

We are planning to start small...primarily working through referrals through Alexandra's House. We hope to some day expand, as resources allow, to offer this special family time to others outside the Kansas City area. As it stands now, we trust that God will open the doors for families who can be served through this ministry. We are humbled to have already been contacted about two families who would like to create bears in honor of the babies they are expecting...that are not expected to live. We will work out details and specifics as we move along and see what fine-tuning we need to do, but feel honored to be able to use our experience to help others...and of course, to see Caden's legacy continue.

We are excited to provide some small joy for others, specifically the siblings of a sick baby, as it was provided for Connor and Kylee in such a difficult and trying time. We also want these families to know that we will be praying for them...as so many have prayed for us.

Another chapter begins...

2009 Has Arrived!

Happy New Year!

Today has found all of us in our pajamas, enjoying our new Christmas presents and not having to leave the house. It is a welcome reprieve from the hustle and bustle that the holidays bring.

We had a great Christmas and New Year's. We hosted my family here on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. It was so much fun to have Santa make the trip here to our house and the kids had so much fun opening up their gifts and having company in the house. The highlight of their Christmas was preparing Santa's special milk and cookies and putting out reindeer food for Rudolph and company in the yard. Brandon, being the good Daddy that he is, then went out late on Christmas Eve and devoted no small amount of time to creating sleigh and reindeer "tracks" in the snow in our front yard. It was great!

On the morning of December 26th, we headed on out to KCI and spent the day travelling to Hillsborough, NC, where we spent the weekend with Aaron and Rachel and Justin, Mary, and family (Brandon's brother and sister-in-law). Connor and his cousin, Drew, played nonstop and had a great time together. Amy and Beth, our twin nieces, were also on hand and it was amazing to see how much kids grow in a year! We enjoyed lots of food, family time, and of course, more presents during our time with the Carlson family. The kids were real troopers as we encountered several delays both on the way to North Carolina and on the way home. Fortunately, they still get so excited about getting to be on an airplane that sitting for hours in an aiport is still worth it. More pictures of all that excitement to come. :)

Caden was well-remembered this Christmas. Santa brought Connor and Kylee each a teddy bear in memory of Caden. I received a beautiful necklace charm with a picture of Caden on one side and a teddy bear on the other, which I wear proudly. We each received angel ornaments from Granny Loretta and Grandpa Bob in California. We did end up with a fifth stocking on our mantel. We received one with a gift in it, and Kylee hung it up (you can see it second from left in the picture above), figuring that's just what you should do with a stocking. Although it didn't fit quite right, I left it there, deciding that five stockings on the mantel was all right with me...and marvelling at how, once again, with their innocence and natural zest for life, my children can help me face my giants in a way that is much more bearable than if I had to do it on my own.

We rang in the New Year at our traditional Chase/Blakemore/Carlson gathering. Our two little ones were zonked out cold just before the clock struck midnight. We had a great time hanging out with our friends and watching the kids play together. We learned this year that Trena makes a mean Pina Colada. Yum!

Brandon has been off work this week, and it has been so nice to relax and enjoy some family time together since we got home. The Christmas decorations are put away, the laundry is somewhat caught up, and we greet 2009 with hope and optimism. We conquered so many things in 2008 and are so grateful for God's presence with us throughout (what we hope was) the most difficult year of our lives. We carry the legacy of our precious Caden with us into the New Year, believing that he will continue to make a difference in the lives of others for many, many years to come.

May God bless you and keep you this year.

9 Years of Pure Bliss

Today is our 9th wedding anniversary.

9 years ago this evening, a small town church was aglow with candles and white Christmas lights...and Brandon and I promised each other forever.

As many of you know, Brandon and I are highschool sweethearts. Growing up in a small town, everyone knows everyone, and Brandon and I were actually "boyfriend and girlfriend" in the first grade. After that, we drifted together and apart throughout gradeschool, and then, in 8th grade, I somehow ended up in an advanced math class. Brandon was also in this math class (for obvious reasons...he could ace a test in his sleep). How I ended up in this particular class is somewhat of a mystery to me (I think it had something to do with a standardized test I took), but regardless, I was there. And I was CLUELESS.

Brandon and I ended up in the same group in math class. He pushed, pulled, dragged, nudged, coached, and tutored me all through the year. He helped me with my math...and I helped him win the heart of one of my best girlfriends. It was a good deal for both of us. We became good friends. Him lending me his brain, and me lending him my thoughts on how to best woo a woman. :)

Highschool began and we were once again in many of the same classes. He continued to pull me through math class (Algebra 2 being an even bigger nightmare for me than Algebra 1), and our friendship continued to bloom. His love affair with my best girlfriend ended. We were involved in many of the same extra-curricular activities...choir, band, National Honor Society...and we hung with the same group of friends.

Halfway through our junior year of highschool, we realized that perhaps there was more than friendship between us. We became a couple...we attended prom together both our junior and senior years, and spent more and more time together. We were raised in homes that were very different...but it seemed that our differences helped us grow closer...we learned from each other and became best friends.

We decided to attend different colleges. Brandon attended K-State in Manhattan, KS, and I attended William Jewell College in Liberty, MO. We agreed that we weren't going to be tied down to each other...and that if either of us decided to pursue other relationships, that would be okay. We saw each other fairly regularly throughout this year of school, and by the end of the year, both realized that maybe this was more than a highschool romance.

Our junior year of college, I had the opportunity to study overseas in Grantham, England, at Harlaxton College. Brandon came to visit me for my birthday. We had an amazing time together, exploring London and taking in what England had to offer. It was during this visit that Brandon proposed to me. I accepted.

Then began a very LONG engagement. We both needed to finish school....and since that was a ways off for both of us, we weren't quick to set a wedding date. I graduated in May of 1999...and found out on my graduation day that my mother was dying of cancer. She passed away the next month. Brandon was right there with me through it all, not always knowing what to say, but always being very willing to listen. As he offered me his support throughout that time, I realized that I didn't want to wait much longer to be married. The fragility of life had been impressed upon me and I knew that it was time. We decided to get married 6 months later...on December 18, 1999.

Brandon graduated from K-State just a few days before our wedding. He moved up to Kansas City and accepted a job at Sprint. I worked as a Registered Nurse at KU Medical Center. We were together...and very happy.

When I reflect on what life has brought our way over the last nine years, I am simply amazed, particularly with the happenings of this year. Statistically speaking, I believe something like 80% of marriages end in divorce after the loss of a child. I am grateful to say that has never, throughout this whole ordeal, been a consideration for us. We face difficulties together. We laugh together. We cry together. We get angry together. We watch our children grow or leave this earth...together.

What I love most about my husband is the way that he knows me better than anyone else. As a person who is constantly worried about how others perceive me, Brandon is my "safe haven" (this is code for that he gets to deal with a lot of my crap). In turn, I believe that he feels safe sharing his innermost thoughts and dreams with me. He knows me, inside and out, and yet, loves me all the same. My needs come before his own...and vice versa. We work together fairly seamlessly. We are truly best friends.

At our wedding, Pastor Jeff Waugh reflected on Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12. He highlighted the verse that states that "a cord of three strands is not quickly broken". We are grateful that Christ has been the third presence in our marriage...the strand that has been responsible for keeping us together as we've met life's challenges.

I look at our wedding pictures and it makes me grin to realize how innocent we were on that day. I think to myself "if only you knew what you were getting into!". But I am happy to report that even if I had known the challenges life would bring our way, I would have chosen the same helpmate to face them with.

Happy Anniversary, Brandon James. Here's to 900 more.

Remembering Our Caden

We have felt so blessed by the way that people have helped us memorialize our baby boy during the holiday season. There was a part of me that was fearful that maybe no one would be comfortable saying or doing anything to help us remember him, which couldn't be further from what we need.

Last week, I was talking with our good friend and sonogram angel Jan, who told us that Caden's story is being shared at the Liberty Women's Clinic...young women who are conflicted about their pregnancies are learning about our son...he is serving as an example of how precious life is...whether lived inside or outside the womb.

We have also received a couple of very special ornaments for Caden. A teddy bear from Paula, and an angel with Caden's name on it from Grandpa and Grandma Carlson, who buy our children ornaments every year. Another colleague of mine asked if we had an ornament for Caden and said that if we didn't, she wanted to buy us one.

A beautiful evergreen wreath arrived on our doorstep last week from our friends the Hoffmanns. Our friends' words on the card that came with it said "May this Christmas bring you a peace that passes all understanding". The tears rolled down my face as I hung the wreath on our front door. With its big red bow and fragrant needles, it is a symbol of the beauty of Christmas.

Today the Alexandra's House newsletter came to us in the mail. In it are stories of several babies who left this earth too soon, and in the midst of the newsletter was Caden's story. Seeing his perfect and beautiful face in print was overwhelming. We are blessed to share his story with others.

As we seek for the peace that passes all understanding, we know that our peace comes, in no small part, through the prayers of others. Please know that each and every gesture you make to remember our youngest son touches us in the deepest part of our hearts. The greatest gift of all is knowing that his life, however brief, had a purpose...and that he touched people with his strength, innocence, and heavenly presence.