Friday, January 23, 2009

Missing Caden

As some of you know, I have started my semester at William Jewell, teaching sophomore nursing students the art and science behind Health Assessment.

Typically, I teach in the fall, spring, and summer semesters of school. This year, however, I had arranged to take the fall semester more or less "off" from teaching because we were anticipating having a newborn in the house. When we found out we weren't going to get to bring Caden home with us, we decided keeping my teaching load to a minimum in the fall would still be a good idea...to allow me time to recover physically, mentally, and emotionally from all that the summer held for us.

While I was up on campus occasionally during the fall semester, I was really able to focus on things here at home. I realized as I was preparing to start my class this semester that I was, in another way, returning to "normal". I found that there was great comfort in that, but it was also hard. This return to teaching meant, in a way, that I was taking a step further away from losing Caden (this may sound crazy, but bear with me). I was going back to a familiar routine...putting on the professional attire, interacting with students who have no idea what I've been through in the last year...and it was a bit surreal and somewhat sad to enter this new phase of our grief and recovery. But I know it is time.

I met my class this week. As I was riding up in the elevator on the way to give my first lecture, the tears just started rolling down my face. "What on EARTH?!?!?!" I thought. Great timing.

I thought about it. The last time I taught this course, I was pregnant with Caden. I got to bring my precious boy with me to work. It was something I got to experience with him...and given that he didn't live outside of my womb, those intrapartum experiences are all the memories that I have with him. Outside of our sonograms with Jan, teaching class at William Jewell was one of the only "fun memories" that I have with Caden. Not that he did a lot of teaching (in the traditional sense, anyway), but he was there. WITH ME. Those days together are important for many reasons, and I think my emotion stemmed from the realization that I would miss having our precious boy with me as I stood at the head of the classroom.

Because of dismal Doctor's appointments, frustrating sonograms at the perinatologist's office, and dark moments of fear and doubt, I don't have a lot of happy memories of our time with Caden. Teaching at Jewell, where I was supported and loved by my colleagues, embraced by my students, and getting to do something that I have a great passion for, was a GOOD memory from this summer. Connor and Kylee have both spent time with me up at Jewell...and Caden got to do that, too.

Taking one more step towards a "new normal" is something that I am grateful for. But I am also grateful, as Caden's Mommy, that I had the opportunity today to realize how much I miss him. The "missing him" is different because I didn't know him while he was alive and on the outside of my womb. There aren't many experiences I recall with him that make me reflect on my pregnancy and how wonderful it was to have him inside me...but today, I had that moment. Realizing that there is something we used to do together and that I'm going to miss was very powerful.

Our God works in strange and wonderful ways.

2 comments:

Hope said...

It's amazing how God can speak to us at such seemingly strange times, but what a wonderful reminder of the time that you did have with Caden. I'm so glad that you have those memories and were able to work through them this week. Thanks for sharing. Once again, you have put your thoughts and emotions into words so eloquently.

Anonymous said...

Oh sweetie--I wish I had known how hard Friday was for you--I would have given you a big hug when you walked into class. Caden is smiling down on you--and is proud of you for what you are doing. You are an amazing professor--I feel so lucky to have you prepare me and help me start this journey to being a nurse. Take some comfort in this--I cannot imagine anyone else BUT you doing what you do at Jewell--you are such a great professor. I feel honored to have you pass on your knowledge to me. If you ever need anything, I am literally just a classroom away!!

Jen