Sunday, May 04, 2008

The Journey Continues...

Hello!

A trusted friend and colleague of mine suggested that I journal throughout this experience as a way to deal with the roller coaster of emotions that I feel on a daily basis....while I am too lazy to maintain a formal journal, I do agree with her that writing might be a good way for me to process things....so I will share how we are doing here, with so many of you who have been praying for us and for our son...

I asked Brandon in the car last night..."If someone else were where we were one month ago, what would your advice to them be?" He said "Ask LOTS of questions. Don't feel too afraid to ask ANYTHING. Doctors don't know everything and this is YOUR child." I agree. I said that I would also add to that "Be prepared to be looked at like you are COMPLETELY insane by every medical professional that you encounter."

I think that has been the most difficult part of this process for me. I am a member of the medical profession, and it is the members of my own profession that look at me as through I've sprouted an extra head when we say that we're choosing to continue on with this pregnancy. They tell me that they are "100% sure" that our son will not be able to survive outside my womb....as if that somehow means that his life is less precious than that of someone who is currently living on this earth....and as if we can be 100% certain about anything that deals with the human body. Yet at the same time, I know the medical truths...a baby who has no fluid around him is not going to have the "lung power" that he needs to breathe. It is a very difficult reconciliation to make....putting ourselves through these long months of waiting....only to tell our son good-bye....and yet, there is a part of both of us, praying for a miracle for this precious baby boy.

Many parents in our same position say that the time with their children, be it 2 minutes or 20 hours, is the most precious of their lives. We can't get ourselves there yet. The thought of laboring for hours only to leave the hospital with empty arms is, at this time, too much for me to bear. I spend a great deal of time thinking about the day that our son is born and how it will feel to look at him...and while I know God will give us everything we need in that moment, the pain is so sharp I can hardly breathe. I pray that in the coming weeks, God will prepare us in a way that we never wanted to be prepared...if that makes any sense.

We met with my obstetrician last week. I will have to see her once a month...mostly to monitor my health. They have said that they see no need to do any further sonograms or check the fetal heart rate at my appointments. I was mad when they said this...again, feeling like somehow our baby's life is completely insignficiant...but in my heart, I know the opposite to be true. So, I dust myself off, cry for about a day, and then move forward. Unfortunately, it is a routine we've come to know all too well in the past few weeks.

Tomorrow, we will meet with the neonatologist that will attend our delivery. Please say a prayer for us as I know this will be a difficult appointment, too. Doctors have said that babies that are delivered after 28 weeks are usually born alive, and that for this reason, we need to have a plan in place for what kind of interventions, if any, we want for our baby after he is born. Again, medical professionals look at us like we're crazy when we have said that we want him evaluated just to make SURE that there's nothing that can be done for him. So please pray that this neonatologist isn't just another person that will think we're nuts.

Later this week, we will meet with Patti Lewis at Alexandra's House, a perinatal hospice. I have spoken with her on the phone and think that she will be a wonderful resource for us. She has connected me with another Mom in the Kansas City area that lost a baby a year ago, and she and I have talked often, which has been good for me. As wonderful a resource as Alexandra's House will be, it is also dreadful to go to a HOSPICE for babies. Another moment when the nightmarish reality of our situation will set in.

Okay, so the positives...one of my colleagues and a very dear friend, Jan, has been doing sonograms for us on occasion. Not for anything at all medical, but just so we can watch our baby play. It is incredible. He kicks up a storm and has a profile that looks almost identical to Connor and Kylee's. He is growing at a relatively normal rate and has a strong heart rate. He likes to keep his hands up by his face. I feel him moving several times a day....what a miracle. I am now 24 weeks pregnant.

Connor and Kylee are doing well. I am sometimes overwhelmed with sheer emotion just from looking at them. They are so perfect and beautiful...and so loving and accepting of me even on the roughest of days. They, along with the prayers of others, are the life forces that keep me putting one foot in front of the other.

We thank you so much for all of your love and prayers. I ran across this quote today that I wanted to share with you: "Truly there is no hand so small that it cannot leave an imprint on the world".

Our son has already made an imprint on our lives and hearts, and we ask that you would continue to pray for him, and for us, as we move forward from here.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Linds & Brandon . . . you are not insane or crazy. And you HAVE NOT sprouted another head. ;) You are both amazing and brave believers who are not alone in this world. I heard this quote recently that made me immediately think of your situation and I hope it brings you comfort. "If God doesn't choose to change your situation, then He has a good reason for it." I love you both!

Cyndi

Anonymous said...

We love you, Carlsons.
Robyn and Ben

Anonymous said...

I am proud to know your family, The decisions you have made for your family are only for you to decide and people, professional or not have no place to make you question those decisions.
We pray for you daily, thank you for including us in your families blog, it's very special. The Moody's

Unknown said...

Carlson Family,
I am a friend of Ashley Lewis and she forwarded on your blog. I want you to know that your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. I want to commend you for embracing the journey that God has put before you. The life inside of you feels your love and so does everyone around you. I will be praying that God gives you the strength and courage you need at this time.
God bless,
Jana Allen

Anonymous said...

May you continue to experience God's grace and peace through the ups and downs of the days to come. I am praying for your family.

-Matt (a friend of Sarah's)

Anonymous said...

Lindsey, you and your family are amazing people that I am blessed to know. I pray for you on a daily basis and every night at work I think of you, your family and your son. I can't imagine what you are going through and i want you to know that there are so many people out there praying for you. May God give you the strength to live your life and embrace everyday. I am sure your head is filled with questions and most of these questions can not be answered by anyone. Trust in God and those around you and know that prayers are very powerful.

Anonymous said...

I received this email from Teresa Lewis who is Ashley Lewis's mother in law. I am a firm believer that miracles can happen. I have seen them. I am an ultrasound tech and have worked with a perinatalogists for eight years. Working in this high risk field I have seen many heartbreaks but I have also seen many unbelievable things happen. Babies that were given no chance survived. I have watched babies that at eighteen weeks were given the same diagnosis as your family and told there was no hope, continue to full term and deliver babies that survived. I know of two personally that come to mind when I hear your situation. Don't give up there is hope!!!!! It doesn't take much fluid for the baby's lungs to develop. And feeling movement is great. Noone can ever tell you things are hopeless. We know God, we know better, the great physician.

I just wanted to send you some encouragment and tell you to hang in there. We may be strangers but we are brothers and sisters in Christ. I will keep you in my prayers.
Dawn email sjsdd@verizon.net