I found out I was pregnant on December 10th. The first trimester of my pregnancy was appropriately miserable...I was tired, a little nauseous, and had many of the typical woes of early pregnancy. We visualized our son's heartbeat on sonogram on January 16th and it was a beautiful moment. I was overwhelmed by God's goodness, granting us three children...I know that so many women have to face multiple miscarriages in the process of creating their families...and here we were, with our third baby's heartbeat dancing on the screen. Incredible.
At 15 weeks, our friend Jan did a sonogram for us. Our baby was floating around in a fluid-filled world, happy as a clam. It was so much fun to watch our child dance and play.
My pregnancies with Connor and Kylee had been basically unremarkable. There was concern at some points that Connor might have been a bit small, which meant extra sonograms and non-stress tests throughout my pregnancy, but in the end, he was born just the right size. Other than that, both of our pregnancies were without incident and resulted in healthy, screaming babies in the delivery room. I reflect on hearing their first cries often, and grieve for this moment with our second son...I have to prepare myself for the fact that most likely, this great moment of the birth experience won't happen this time around.
Brandon and I were thrilled to be expecting. Since we have a son and a daughter, we really didn't care what the gender of this baby was. On March 31st, we went for our 20 week sonogram in anticipation of finding out who this little one was. We brought both the kids with us into the sonogram room. The sonographer put the transducer on my stomach and the first thing out of her mouth was "have you noticed that you're leaking any fluid?" I said "no". She kept going, and then said..."You have no fluid in here. They are probably going to have to do something really drastic." She stopped the scan. I was crying. The kids were just standing there, wondering what was happening. Brandon came over to me and held me. As he reached out to me, I saw the sonographer typing "limited scan due to no fluid" on the sonogram report. I fell apart.
We were whisked into our midwife's office. She explained to us that this was NOT good news. She did a physical exam and determined that my membranes hadn't ruptured. She said we needed to be evaluated by a perinatologist, and the fastest way to get this done was to admit me to the hospital. So off we went. I stayed overnight, and we had our first Level II sonogram the following morning. The good news was that the baby had both kidneys. The bad news is that we had NO measurable pockets of fluid. Not even one. We were told that most families in this situation choose to terminate the pregnancy.
They sent me home on bedrest. We went back a week later. Still no fluid. In the meantime, the bloodtest that I had drawn to detect chromosomal abnormalities came back positive for Trisomy 18 (a form of chromosomal abnormality that is believed to be incompatible with life). We elected to do a Chorionic Villus Sampling procedure to confirm the results of the blood test. Brandon held my hand as they poked the huge needle into my abdomen to get a sampling of our baby's placenta. We would wait 48 hours for the preliminary results. At this point, our medical advisors believed this is definitely what we were dealing with....a Trisomy 18 baby. We prepared ourselves.
The phone call came, and our baby's chromosomes were determined to be normal. Our medical providers were, in a word, stunned. We also found out in this same phone call that this little troublemaker is a boy, which is what Brandon had believed all along. We were ecstatic to find out we were having a son...we thought it would be special for Kylee, our middle child, to be the resident girl of the bunch. We knew Connor would love playing with a little brother. However, our excitement about this news was tempered by the grim reality of our situation. No matter what the cause, if there is no fluid, there can be no lung development. They had no great answers for us about the cause of the oligohydramnios.
We went in for one last Level II sonogram the next week. Still no fluid. Our perinatologist asked us if we wanted to terminate or continue on. She said that she didn't believe that it was worth doing any further sonography, because she has never, in her 22 years of practice, seen fluid reaccumulate at this stage of the pregnancy. In her opinion, our child is doomed.
I think that deep down, we both knew what our choice would be, but we left the office and talked about it. We decided to continue on. The road has been rough.
As you probably know from reading, we are Christians. We believe that our faith, above all else, should drive our decision-making. So it did, and we are continuing on. We are surrounded by an amazing church family and so many wonderful friends who are praying us through this. Our families have been a great support, too. The offers of prayers and help have come from so many...and we especially thank those of you who don't even know us for your prayers.
Don't get me wrong...there are moments when I am so angry at God I can't even speak. I have learned, through other experiences with loss, that we may never understand why this is happening to us....so we pray for strength to just make it through. So far, so good. I do have a little bit of hope that sustains me. I know that God has a perfect plan for this little one, and while I hope that he defies the odds and gets to stay with us, I also know that might not be what God has designed him for. And while I won't like it, I will surrender him to Jesus and know that he will be far more happy and healthy in heaven than we could ever hope to be here on earth.
I had a tough moment in the car yesterday when I realized that I may never get to have a birthday party for this baby boy. The tears started flowing instantly and that awful tightening in my chest began. I know that there will be many points at which things like that jump out and grab me, but in a way, I am glad to know that my grieving process has already begun...it is a necessary evil that we will face in the months to come, and with your prayers and support, I know that we will get through it.
"My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid." John 14: 27
2 comments:
Hi Guys!
My hat's off to you for your courage and steadfast faith. (And steadfast faith can also include a little anger & frustration at times...that's okay. God's a Big fellow and can understand that.) God can do some amazing things! I know of one woman who prolapsed during childbirth, out in the middle of small hospital land, Kansas. Statistically at that time, maybe one out of every 1,500 births had this happen, and even life long docs knew of no mother who had survived this, let alone in an ill-equipped, tiny hospital with two docs on staff, out in fly-over country! Often, the baby does not make it either. But sometimes God says, "Hey- watch THIS!" because my son, now 28 yrs old, and I am both alive! So, you can prepare for the worst, but always hope for and expect God's best, and He will tend to the details. What a lot you're learning! One day at a time. You're in our prayers.
Elvera W.
A dear friend in blogging sent me here today and I am so glad she did. I will be praying for you and your amazing little baby boy, asking God to heal your baby's situation. I admire you both for choosing life for your baby and trusting God with the details. God is big enough to handle any feelings you have, good or not so good. He knows your hearts. He does not make mistakes and knows the plans He has for you and your baby. I will be a prayer warrior for you in the days and weeks ahead, asking Him to give you His strength and fill your hearts with His Hope.
Love and Hugs, Laurie in Ca.
Post a Comment