Good Morning!
Three months ago today, we met and told our precious Caden goodbye. I was reflecting a couple days ago about how we knew about Caden's condition for three months before our delivery, and now, that same amount of time has elapsed since he was born. That is crazy to me. It has been six months since all of this began. Wow.
This month has held its own challenges and heartache. The beautiful garden in our backyard was finished. The dedication was held, despite tornado activity and torrential downpour. Our dear friend, Jan Witzke, walked in the first annual Liberty Women's Clinic "Strides for Life" walk in memory of Caden. She carried his picture with her while she walked. We all signed her t-shirt. Yesterday, I had the privilege of speaking with a group of senior nursing majors at William Jewell as part of the OB class' perinatal loss lecture. The Holy Spirit was right there with me. Wanda, a colleague of mine who has also experienced the loss of her son, sat beside me and encouraged me as we both shared together. The students were receptive, interested, and genuinely compassionate. It was exhausting and wonderful.
I am finding that it is easier to talk about Caden. I am also finding that, despite the fact that he is not here with us, my love for him is actually growing with each passing day. Isn't that amazing? I am beginning to let go of the hurt, anger, and uncertainty that came with not knowing how things would end, and now that those questions are answered, I am now able to instead focus, little by little, on what an amazing little boy he was. Doing so makes me love him more and more. Don't get me wrong, I miss him more and more, too...his place in my heart grows deeper and deeper with time.
I often wonder what he's doing up there. Is my Mom holding him? Is he playing with other children? How does he look? Is he watching over us? I know that he is happy and fulfilled. And for today, that is good enough for me.
We love you, precious boy!
6 comments:
Thank you Lindsey for always providing me with a sense of hope and reassurance that God is with us everyday and in everything we do. You are an awesome inspiration to many. Know that you are thought of often.
Linds, that was really beautiful. I admire you so much, and we love you even more. Robyn and Ben
Talking about our children can be so healing. I often wonder what they are doing too. Brings a smile to my heart. Praying for you!
Hi Lindsey,
This is a wonderful post, full of hope and a sweet mothers heart. I love that your love for Caden is growing more every day while missing him more each day. It is a strange balance that tenderly goes on in the heart, truly amazing. I love when you talk about him and give him his place in your family. He is precious and so are you. I still pray for you all the time and hope that October is a month of peace and rest for you.
Love, Laurie in Ca.
Lindsey,
I have had you in my thoughts and prayers! I have been following your blog weekly and my heart and soul are still with you as I pray for you to heal and grow stronger with each day passing. May God continue to bring you closer to him! Try to remember "he knows the plans he has for you" I often also wonder what our little angels are up to in his kingdom! They are the chosen ones and the gates were opened wide for them I just know it!!!!! Hey, one of my new favorite songs is "come to Jesus" by Chris Rice. From my experience, All I can say, surrender yourself to him, cry to him, be angry at him, pray daily to him,believe in him- he is so powerful as you know my story. I am his work at hand and all because of my son. anyways,
Much Love, traci
Lindsey,
I'm so glad you were able to share your story. Healing comes from being able to share with others. I still wonder what all of our little ones are up to in Heaven and the image of them being together and surrounded by other loved ones gives me a warm feeling.
You are still in my prayers.
Tracy
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