Almost Two Years...

It is incredible to me that Caden looks just like he's sleeping in this picture. This was the picture that Brandon took just seconds before we walked out of the hospital, leaving our precious angel behind in a little white basket.

It has been almost two years since we held our baby in our arms.

June is always a difficult month. The anniversary of my mother's death is on June 9th...and then we begin replaying the mess of emotions we felt in June of 2008, all culminating with Caden's Heaven Day on June 30th.

I distinctly remember coming home from the Doctor's appointment where we scheduled my induction. I thought it was a great cosmic injustice that choosing an induction date was synonymous with choosing the day we'd say goodbye to our boy.

Two years ago tonight, we were preparing to go to the hospital. Last minute arrangements were taking place...small details being tended to so that when we came home with empty arms, we'd have nothing to concentrate on but healing.

In the days before Caden was born, I remember going to the store to buy a sportsbra that I could wear to help reduce the pain from the engorgement I'd experience after Caden was born. Brandon went and bought a black shirt to wear in our Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photos. Instead of picking out "I'm a Big Brother" and "I'm a Big Sister" shirts for Connor and Kylee, we packed dark shirts for them so that our pictures would look good. I would have given ANYTHING to be buying diapers, binkies, Dreft, or blankets. But no. It was all so bleak. Planning for death at the same moment we anticipated birth.

Looking back, I wish I'd spent more time just rubbing my belly. Feeling Caden move. In the moment, I was so exhausted and emotionally spent that laying awake at night was frustrating. I tried to treasure each and every flutter (his most active time was around 2:00 am), praying that everything would be okay. Begging God to let us have time with our son....the precious life I felt twisting and turning inside me....and not letting go of hope that maybe, just maybe, we could bring our baby home.

But it was not to be.

The kids have had a difficult time with missing Caden recently. Both have cried many tears in the last few weeks, missing their brother. We cry right along with them. We pray that Caden is happy up in heaven and remind each other that someday, we'll get to be with him again. It is interesting because Connor and Kylee aren't necessarily aware of the anniversary that is approaching, yet the energy in our house flows differently, and they perceive that.

The energy will flow differently with each year that passes, but I hope we will continue to reflect on Caden being a part of our family every day, and especially as June 30th approaches each year.

Our baby is forever woven into the fabric of our hearts.