We are coming up on the two year anniversary of Caden's "Heaven Day", and I find, as June approaches, that my emotions run high. Recalling where we were at...emotionally, physically, spiritually....at this time two years ago combined with looking at where God has brought us since then stirs up so many different feelings inside me.
We have been so blessed by Caden's Cubs and the families we have had the honor to provide Build-A-Bear giftcards to. 2009 was a busy year, and we have given out several cards already in 2010. We learn a little bit about each family's story, and hearing each story gives us a chance to go back and relive some of the memories of our precious Caden.
One mom e-mailed us this week, thanking us for the giftcard. She also sent us pictures of their trip to Build-A-Bear with their son, who created a dragon in memory of his little sister. We are so touched by this family's willingness to allow us to share in their journey. Communicating with this family has led me to reflect deeply on how we felt as we walked a similar path...and yesterday was a rough day for me emotionally. As I read this mother's words, raw with grief, the tears rolled down my face and sobs built up inside my ribs.
I thought to myself...Why, God, Why? What is the purpose of this hurt, this pain? Why does anyone have to endure this ultimate devastation? These are our BABIES, God! All we wanted was to hold them, love them, to watch them grow....
After a bit of a rough afternoon, Brandon and I got to see Steven Curtis Chapman in concert last night (there are no coincidences, I tell you!). So many of his songs have touched our lives deeply...and as many of you know, after the Chapman family lost their 5 year old daughter in an accident two years ago (just a month before Caden was born), Steven released a new album "Beauty Will Rise", which tells a portion of their family's journey through grief after the loss of their Maria. This album resonates in a big way with us, as do several other of his tunes. We were excited to go.
During the concert, Mr. Chapman reflected a great deal on his struggles following his daughter's death. As he sang for us, he called attention to a line in one of his songs..."It's all yours God, yours God, everything is Yours..." and commented on how, even when we grapple to understand what we will never be capable of comprehending, we must trust that EVERYTHING is God's.
Lightbulb on.
As I feel sadness that penetrates my innermost core, I must realize that Caden was never ours to begin with. Our marriage, my family, our friends, our home, our work, our Church, our health...it's all God's. Connor, Kylee, Caden, Hadley....all His. So really, when He called Caden home, he was claiming something that is rightfully His. We weren't robbed of anything. He was never ours to begin with.
This doesn't mean that we can't wonder why, or struggle to understand what it was we were meant to learn as a result of our journey with Caden. Yes, of course, we are deeply saddened that we will never get to watch Caden grow. We don't get to celebrate birthdays, holidays, toothy grins, baby buns, learning to ride a bike, or first days of school with him. We grieve never getting to tuck Caden in bed at night, or rock him to sleep after storytime, or pray with him. I am reminded, however, of what a gift these times that we get to experience with Connor, Kylee, and Hadley are....and they are a gift....not an entitlement. The only guarantee we are given is that God loves us and that our road will be littered with difficulties. But if we trust, even when the hurt is more than we can bear and there are far more questions than answers, we will be rewarded by getting to spend eternity with Him.
So the whole, "God, why did you take him from us?" question....well, perhaps the answer is "he was mine to begin with".
The true gift will come on the other side of eternity....when Brandon and I someday elbow each other out of the way to run into the arms of our son....and walk with him to the feet of our Savior.
It is ALL yours, God...everything is Yours.
8 comments:
Lindsey,
Well said. Those insights are not available to everyone. You have to pay dearly for them. And if asked ahead of time, nobody would say "yes" to those experiences. For some reason that you may not understand yet, God has chosen to give you insights, empathy, wisdom, and an opportunity to grow. The hard part is that these are things that cannot be learned from a book or from a chat with friends. They can only be learned by allowing yourself to be hurt. You are aware that you and Brandon have changed, but you may not know how much you have changed. I don't thank God for what you have been through, I thank God for how you have grown through your experience.
I love reading your thoughts.
Love,
Dad
Beautiful words.
That was inspiring. Thanks for sharing Lindsey! Looks like the kids are growing fast.
Susan Duffett
Once again I'm in awe of your courageous words and wisdom. I can't thank you enough for sharing your feelings. While our family situation isn't the same as yours, many of the words you've spoken ring true with us. You are such an inspiration to me.
Linds,
It is such a blessing to have a friend that inspires and understands you all at once. Thank you for being that person for me and for sharing such wise and beautiful thoughts.
Robyn
You are amazing!
Cindi
You share such wisdom, courage, insight, and faith to all of us so very often Lindso. God has blessed us all so much with our walk here on earth with you and your family. I am so thankful to our God for His watchful countenance, his loving and eternal presence, and his devotion to us as we all walk ever always toward His presence.
Love,
Dad
That's what I have to keep reminding myself of....She was never our's!
That's hard sometimes though because I do wonder what she would be like today, 4 months old!
What color her eyes would have been, would her hair have stayed dark, what her laugh would be like.
It makes it even harder when Mother's Day and Father's Day are fast approaching....
we are a Mom & Dad, but no child in arms :(
God--Keep us strong!!!!
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