Wow. Five months ago today, we met our precious Caden Adair. Then, about 5 hours later, we told him "goodbye".
I suppose it might be a bit cliche' to say that we can't believe how quickly the time has gone. But I'm going to say it anyway. It has been five months since I felt our baby move inside me. Five months since I held him, smelled him, kissed him, and looked at him, trying to memorize every tiny detail of his face and body. Five months since I saw all three of our children together.
8 months has passed since we were diagnosed and told our baby would not live. And now, we prepare to face our first holiday season without our fifth member.
Thanksgiving went well. We travelled to Lindsborg and spent time with Brandon's family. It was a short trip, but a good one. The day after Thanksgiving, however, was really hard. The kids and I decorated the house for Christmas, which is always a sentimental time for me. Many of the decorations we put out belonged to either my Mom or my Grandma, who both LOVED Christmas. So, I think of them as I put things out...happy for the memories, but saddened because they are not here with us. The hardest part of decorating for me, though, was realizing that last January, as I put the decorations away, I did so thinking "Next year, we'll have a new baby in the house when I put these out!". Realizing that this wasn't so was not unlike being punched in the gut. I was supposed to have a little one with me. The Christmas music was supposed to be interrupted by a little one cooing or fussing. I was going to get to shop for three kids this year. Oh....
As usual, it was Connor and Kylee to the rescue. They were SO excited to put the decorations all over the house, and watching them sift through boxes while wearing their pjs...all of us warm and cozy together...made it possible for me to find joy in the midst of a painful day. We made a special Christmas ornament for Caden and hung it on the tree. They were both so excited to incorporate our baby into the preparations.
We have been told that many families who have dealt with infant loss find something symbolic that reminds them of their little one..common ones being angels, butterflies, or rainbows. We have found that our symbol for Caden is a teddy bear. I have always loved teddy bears, and it seems that they remind us of our special boy more often than anything else. I think that Santa will be bringing Connor and Kylee a little teddy bear in memory of Caden this year. It is nice to have some way to bring him into our Christmas tradition...because he is, of course, always in our hearts.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
10 Thoughts
Good Evening.
I came across this list on another blog this last week, and wanted to share it with all of you. I find it very poignant.
When speaking with my students about our experience, many of them have asked me..."What do I do or say when caring for someone who is dealing with loss?" I think this hits the nail on the head.
The timing of this is interesting to me...as we approach the holidays, I think it is important to remember that they are not necessarily all joyful for many families. While it is a wonderful time of year, it is also a time that reminds us in a very real way that those that we have said goodbye to will not be with us around the Thanksgiving table or opening presents with us on Christmas morning. Be it death, divorce, illness, job loss, financial hardship...whatever...the holidays can be a lonely and painful time. I pray for those families who are hurting this year and invite you to pray along with me.
At any rate, here is the list. I hope it will be especially helpful to those of you who are comforting someone who is hurting this holiday season and in the months and years to come. Maybe, if you are the one who is hurting, it will help to put words to some of your emotions.
Thank you, once again, to all those who have comforted us in so many, many ways:
1. BE THERE FOR ME. If you are my friend, reach out, talk to me, hold my hand, hug me. Know that even though we may say we are all right, we will never be all right again.
2. WE ARE DIFFERENT. Understand that what has happened will change us forever and if you are my friend, you will accept me for what I have become, for who I am now, a person with different goals and different priorities. What was once important to me may no longer have any meaning.
3. BE A GOOD LISTENER. We want above all else to talk about our loved one. To us, they will always be alive in our hearts, and we don't want others to forget them either. Don't be afraid to mention their names in our conversations. They were real people at one time, even though they are no longer with us. They had hopes and dreams we'd still like to share with others. Please don't pretend they never existed.
4. NO ONE ELSE KNOWS HOW I FEEL. We all grieve differently. Please don't tell me you know how I feel. You don't. Rather than asking me, "How are you feeling?" ask me "What are you feeling?" I can probably give you a more honest answer.
5. I MAY GRIEVE FOR A VERY LONG TIME. There is no set time limit to my grief. It may take me two years; it may take me five years. I have to do what is comfortable for me. Be patient. I will do the best I can in whatever amount of time it takes.
6. KEEP IN TOUCH. Call me once in a while. I promise to do the same. Invite me to lunch or to a movie. I will eventually go, because I will eventually feel better. Don't give up on me and don't forget me. I am trying to do the best I can right now.
7. I MAY CRY AT TIMES IN FRONT OF YOU. Please don't be embarrassed, and I won't be either. Besides being a natural emotion, crying is also a cleansing emotion. By crying I can relieve a lot of anger, frustration, guilt and stress. And best of all, I feel much better after a good cry.
8. I PUT A MASK ON FOR THE PUBLIC. Don't assume just because I am functioning during the day that I am "over it." I will never get "over it." I try to function normally because I have no other choice. You should see me when the day is over, and I am in the privacy of my own home and free to let my emotions out. My day mask comes off and I am just a mother, aching for her child.
9. SOME DAYS MAY BE OVERWHELMING. The slightest thing can trigger a bad time. It can be a song, a place I go, a holiday, a wedding or even smells or sounds. If I break down and start crying or seem to be in another world, it is because I am thinking of my loved one and longing for what I will never have again. I may need to try different things before I find what will be right for me in my new life. Encourage me to reach for the stars.
10. LET ME DO WHATEVER MAKES ME HAPPY. We will never forget our loved one. The pain never leaves. It just softens a little with time. We eventually function again, feel hope again, find joy in our lives. It is a long road that we travel, but with the help of friends and relatives who understand a little of how we feel and what we are going through, perhaps that road will lead to new paths to enrich our lives in new ways we never dreamed were possible.
I came across this list on another blog this last week, and wanted to share it with all of you. I find it very poignant.
When speaking with my students about our experience, many of them have asked me..."What do I do or say when caring for someone who is dealing with loss?" I think this hits the nail on the head.
The timing of this is interesting to me...as we approach the holidays, I think it is important to remember that they are not necessarily all joyful for many families. While it is a wonderful time of year, it is also a time that reminds us in a very real way that those that we have said goodbye to will not be with us around the Thanksgiving table or opening presents with us on Christmas morning. Be it death, divorce, illness, job loss, financial hardship...whatever...the holidays can be a lonely and painful time. I pray for those families who are hurting this year and invite you to pray along with me.
At any rate, here is the list. I hope it will be especially helpful to those of you who are comforting someone who is hurting this holiday season and in the months and years to come. Maybe, if you are the one who is hurting, it will help to put words to some of your emotions.
Thank you, once again, to all those who have comforted us in so many, many ways:
1. BE THERE FOR ME. If you are my friend, reach out, talk to me, hold my hand, hug me. Know that even though we may say we are all right, we will never be all right again.
2. WE ARE DIFFERENT. Understand that what has happened will change us forever and if you are my friend, you will accept me for what I have become, for who I am now, a person with different goals and different priorities. What was once important to me may no longer have any meaning.
3. BE A GOOD LISTENER. We want above all else to talk about our loved one. To us, they will always be alive in our hearts, and we don't want others to forget them either. Don't be afraid to mention their names in our conversations. They were real people at one time, even though they are no longer with us. They had hopes and dreams we'd still like to share with others. Please don't pretend they never existed.
4. NO ONE ELSE KNOWS HOW I FEEL. We all grieve differently. Please don't tell me you know how I feel. You don't. Rather than asking me, "How are you feeling?" ask me "What are you feeling?" I can probably give you a more honest answer.
5. I MAY GRIEVE FOR A VERY LONG TIME. There is no set time limit to my grief. It may take me two years; it may take me five years. I have to do what is comfortable for me. Be patient. I will do the best I can in whatever amount of time it takes.
6. KEEP IN TOUCH. Call me once in a while. I promise to do the same. Invite me to lunch or to a movie. I will eventually go, because I will eventually feel better. Don't give up on me and don't forget me. I am trying to do the best I can right now.
7. I MAY CRY AT TIMES IN FRONT OF YOU. Please don't be embarrassed, and I won't be either. Besides being a natural emotion, crying is also a cleansing emotion. By crying I can relieve a lot of anger, frustration, guilt and stress. And best of all, I feel much better after a good cry.
8. I PUT A MASK ON FOR THE PUBLIC. Don't assume just because I am functioning during the day that I am "over it." I will never get "over it." I try to function normally because I have no other choice. You should see me when the day is over, and I am in the privacy of my own home and free to let my emotions out. My day mask comes off and I am just a mother, aching for her child.
9. SOME DAYS MAY BE OVERWHELMING. The slightest thing can trigger a bad time. It can be a song, a place I go, a holiday, a wedding or even smells or sounds. If I break down and start crying or seem to be in another world, it is because I am thinking of my loved one and longing for what I will never have again. I may need to try different things before I find what will be right for me in my new life. Encourage me to reach for the stars.
10. LET ME DO WHATEVER MAKES ME HAPPY. We will never forget our loved one. The pain never leaves. It just softens a little with time. We eventually function again, feel hope again, find joy in our lives. It is a long road that we travel, but with the help of friends and relatives who understand a little of how we feel and what we are going through, perhaps that road will lead to new paths to enrich our lives in new ways we never dreamed were possible.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Trick or Treat, Smell our Feet...:)
Give us something good to eat! I must note here, that if our son were finishing this chant, he would conclude with something about pulling down your underwear if you don't...ah, television.
We had a great time trick-or-treating on Halloween. Our Halloween began with our traditional first stop at Grandma Paula's house. After that, we enjoyed dinner at the Blakemore's, and then the kids went and participated in a trunk or treat sponsored by a nearby church. We then headed up and around The Square, where again, the treats abounded. Above is a picture of Connor (pirate mummy) and Kylee (Tinkerbell) with Georgia (the flower fairy) and Georgia's friend, Tiernan (a bride).
The kids both made quite a haul. Now, three weeks later, we have polished off the "good" candy. Now the residual Smarties, Now N Laters, and Tootsie Rolls will sit in the cannister on our kitchen counter until Easter, at which time they will meet the bottom of the trash can in order to make room for chocolate eggs (which trump Smarties any day of the week in this house).
Prior to Halloween, the kids were excited to carve their pumpkins:
Kylee actually just painted hers, and then enjoyed making her own design with the carving tool (which resembled more of just a hole in the pumpkin rather than an actual jack-o-lantern face). However, over time, we have learned the hard way that it is certainly NOT in our best interest to advise our daughter on her artistic creations (particularly when she is holding a carving tool).
Connor and I were grocery shopping on Halloween. A man came on the loudspeaker and announced "Happy Halloween! Today all our pumpkins are FREE!". The pumpkins were in a big pile outside the front door. We already had our pumpkins for the kids. But...the word free invokes some kind of strange adrenaline rush in me. I looked at Connor, said "We've got to hurry!", and made a mad dash for the front of the store (I was somewhat impaired in my mad dash by my cart that was heaped with groceries). We abandoned the cart in the entryway of the store and ran outside. Connor picked his pumpkin (with me standing there chanting "Hurry, Hurry!"...I was afraid an innocent stocker was going to try to put our abandoned groceries away), and I picked out one for Kylee. Just what our cart needed...two huge pumpkins. But they were FREE! We paid for our groceries and went out to the car. I decided in that moment that I wanted to pick up one more pumpkin...for Caden. I debated, and then went and grabbed one more (after all, they were FREE!)...telling myself that really, decorations look better in odd numbers rather than even numbers. Later, I realized that it was okay to pick out a pumpkin for Caden...for no other reason than I just wanted to.
Now, our free pumpkins grace our porch. All three of them.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Reflections
It is a relatively quiet Sunday evening here at our house. Connor and Brandon are outside playing football (they went to the Chiefs game today and came home all pumped up despite another dismal loss), and Kylee and I are holding down the fort indoors. Ah, peace.
In anticipation of the holidays, I have been thinking a lot about Caden...and am wondering how this season will be for our family. Last year at this time, we were just finding out that we were expecting another little one, and spent the holiday season in anticipation of having three kids to celebrate the holidays with in 2008. Little did we know, we were beginning a different kind of journey with our third child.
I have been struggling a bit lately with handing situations over to God...and realizing that just because you go through something really trying and difficult in life, it doesn't mean that you are exempt from pain from that point forward (the last two years of our lives have made that much evident). We are both waiting to find some sense of tangible purpose in Caden's death...and some days are easier than others.
One morning a couple weeks ago, I was driving home from dropping Kylee off at preschool. I was listening to the local Christian radio station, and a Pastor was giving a mini-sermon on the air. Usually, I change the station (I do not share my husband's passion for talk radio) when this happens, but on this particular morning, I listened. The sermon was about having gratitude in any situation. That had my name all over it. I needed to listen.
The Pastor concluded his lesson by telling the story of God's promise to Abraham...that he would be blessed with more descendants than he could count. Of course, you may know that what makes this story most interesting is the fact that Sarah, Abraham's wife, was well past child-bearing age when God revealed this plan. The Pastor went on to say that God fulfilled His promise to Abraham, through the birth of a son and then many other descendants, but Abraham didn't live long enough to see the entire promise fulfilled (descendants that numbered more than the stars in the sky).
God always fulfills the promise.
But He may not choose to do that in my lifetime.
If He doesn't show me, His will is still perfect.
Hmmmm.....
This day gets even more interesting, because I heard the story of Abraham and Sarah two more times on THIS SAME DAY through different venues.
Wow.
I miss our baby terribly. Will we hang a fifth stocking on our fireplace this year in memory of a boy that is not with us? Buy a special ornament for Caden? Cry on Christmas morning because he isn't here with us? I don't know.
But, this I do know...God will be there to hold us as we feel our pain or sadness. I suppose that's all that matters. Hopefully there will be joy for us as we celebrate the birth of the Christ child. I hope that this holiday and birth celebration will begin a new phase of life and rememberance for us. In a season of hope, I will be making a conscious effort to acknowledge that God is with us, fulfilling his promises to us....and whether our Caden is with us or not, he is the fulfillment of a very special promise to us, as every child is.
For that, I am thankful.
In anticipation of the holidays, I have been thinking a lot about Caden...and am wondering how this season will be for our family. Last year at this time, we were just finding out that we were expecting another little one, and spent the holiday season in anticipation of having three kids to celebrate the holidays with in 2008. Little did we know, we were beginning a different kind of journey with our third child.
I have been struggling a bit lately with handing situations over to God...and realizing that just because you go through something really trying and difficult in life, it doesn't mean that you are exempt from pain from that point forward (the last two years of our lives have made that much evident). We are both waiting to find some sense of tangible purpose in Caden's death...and some days are easier than others.
One morning a couple weeks ago, I was driving home from dropping Kylee off at preschool. I was listening to the local Christian radio station, and a Pastor was giving a mini-sermon on the air. Usually, I change the station (I do not share my husband's passion for talk radio) when this happens, but on this particular morning, I listened. The sermon was about having gratitude in any situation. That had my name all over it. I needed to listen.
The Pastor concluded his lesson by telling the story of God's promise to Abraham...that he would be blessed with more descendants than he could count. Of course, you may know that what makes this story most interesting is the fact that Sarah, Abraham's wife, was well past child-bearing age when God revealed this plan. The Pastor went on to say that God fulfilled His promise to Abraham, through the birth of a son and then many other descendants, but Abraham didn't live long enough to see the entire promise fulfilled (descendants that numbered more than the stars in the sky).
God always fulfills the promise.
But He may not choose to do that in my lifetime.
If He doesn't show me, His will is still perfect.
Hmmmm.....
This day gets even more interesting, because I heard the story of Abraham and Sarah two more times on THIS SAME DAY through different venues.
Wow.
I miss our baby terribly. Will we hang a fifth stocking on our fireplace this year in memory of a boy that is not with us? Buy a special ornament for Caden? Cry on Christmas morning because he isn't here with us? I don't know.
But, this I do know...God will be there to hold us as we feel our pain or sadness. I suppose that's all that matters. Hopefully there will be joy for us as we celebrate the birth of the Christ child. I hope that this holiday and birth celebration will begin a new phase of life and rememberance for us. In a season of hope, I will be making a conscious effort to acknowledge that God is with us, fulfilling his promises to us....and whether our Caden is with us or not, he is the fulfillment of a very special promise to us, as every child is.
For that, I am thankful.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Fall Festivities
Hello!
Here are some pictures:
Each child got to make their own bucket to carry goodies from the party in.
Master of the balloon walk! :)
Kylee and her lead teacher, Ms. Pam.
Connor (aka, a "Pirate Mummy") created a marshmallow spider with lots of candies to make eyes, etc. with.
It has been awhile since I've written. Life has been busy, as I know it is for all of you, with the extra added fun of being attacked by a stomach and cold bug. Ugh. I am on the mend now, thankfully, and the rest of the family has remained healthy. Hooray!
A couple weeks ago, I had the pleasure of attending both of the kids' school parties. Kylee's was a Fall Party (no costumes) and Connor's was a Halloween party (with costumes). It was so much fun to watch them interact with their peers. They both seem genuinely happy at their schools, which is such a blessing.
Here are some pictures:
Each child got to make their own bucket to carry goodies from the party in.
Master of the balloon walk! :)
Kylee and her lead teacher, Ms. Pam.
A special Halloween hat.
Best Buds Abby and Kylee.
Two more special projects: A spider hat and a spider web.
And now, switching gears to Alexander Doniphan...
Connor (aka, a "Pirate Mummy") created a marshmallow spider with lots of candies to make eyes, etc. with.
Connor and his friend, Adam (aka, the Incredible Hulk).
The kids got to play "keep the spiders on the web".
After his party, Connor and I went out into the hallway where some of the class work is on display. He read me one of the amazing stories that he has written. This one was specifically about using adjectives (you can see "BIGST" written on the cover). He read me the whole story and was quite proud of his work. I was quite proud, too. :)
Monday, November 03, 2008
The Great Wolf Lodge
A few weeks ago, we took the kids to The Great Wolf Lodge for two nights. It was a wonderful getaway. The kids loved playing in the waterpark, and there was also a cool arcade, bedtime stories, and a neat game called "MagiQuest" that we all participated in.It is ironic to me that the biggest attraction at the lodge, which is their huge indoor waterpark, was actually not the kids' favorite thing. I think that number one on their list was the arcade. They played several games and even won a few cool prizes. Connor took home a radio and Kylee snagged two little ducks:
They also had a "Cub's Club" where the kids could do crafts. Kylee painted a little piggy bank (sparkly pink, of course!), and Connor painted two magnets (a pirate and a race car):
The kids also got to pick out and stuff an animal (kind of like the Great Wolf version of Build-A-Bear). Kylee picked a panda and Connor picked out a yellow puppy.
Perhaps the highlight of the trip was our room. It had sleeping quarters for Mom and Dad, and then the kids got to sleep in a "tent" that was all their own, complete with bunk beds and a TV. Connor was in heaven. He claimed the top bunk:
Our evenings were spent participating in MagiQuest...a giant scavenger hunt that takes you all over the lodge on various "quests". The kids both had magic wands that make things come to life in the hallways. You can see Connor using his wand to make the fire in the lantern turn on. This is also a glimpse of Kylee's "I'm a total rock star" pose. It's one of her favorites lately. :)
We came home tired and reeking of chlorine. It was great!
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