Three Months

Good Morning!

Three months ago today, we met and told our precious Caden goodbye. I was reflecting a couple days ago about how we knew about Caden's condition for three months before our delivery, and now, that same amount of time has elapsed since he was born. That is crazy to me. It has been six months since all of this began. Wow.

This month has held its own challenges and heartache. The beautiful garden in our backyard was finished. The dedication was held, despite tornado activity and torrential downpour. Our dear friend, Jan Witzke, walked in the first annual Liberty Women's Clinic "Strides for Life" walk in memory of Caden. She carried his picture with her while she walked. We all signed her t-shirt. Yesterday, I had the privilege of speaking with a group of senior nursing majors at William Jewell as part of the OB class' perinatal loss lecture. The Holy Spirit was right there with me. Wanda, a colleague of mine who has also experienced the loss of her son, sat beside me and encouraged me as we both shared together. The students were receptive, interested, and genuinely compassionate. It was exhausting and wonderful.

I am finding that it is easier to talk about Caden. I am also finding that, despite the fact that he is not here with us, my love for him is actually growing with each passing day. Isn't that amazing? I am beginning to let go of the hurt, anger, and uncertainty that came with not knowing how things would end, and now that those questions are answered, I am now able to instead focus, little by little, on what an amazing little boy he was. Doing so makes me love him more and more. Don't get me wrong, I miss him more and more, too...his place in my heart grows deeper and deeper with time.

I often wonder what he's doing up there. Is my Mom holding him? Is he playing with other children? How does he look? Is he watching over us? I know that he is happy and fulfilled. And for today, that is good enough for me.

We love you, precious boy!

Kylee J Turns Four!

Miss Kylee celebrated her fourth birthday on September 9th. Where did the time go?

Kylee was emphatic about having her birthday at home. She had a Tinkerbell party with pizza. She received a much anticipated "swimming baby" from Mom and Dad and is also the proud owner of a Barbie house. I have to admit that as Brandon assembled the Barbie house, I realized that Barbie lives in a home that has more upgrades than ours. She also, might I add, has a front-loading washer and dryer, the likes of which I may never own. Hee hee...:)

A Tinkerbell Table...

Kylee received hand-crafted presents from both sets of grandparents. A dress made with special rainbow material from Grandma McKinney and a vanity handmade by Grandpa Carlson:

We concluded our celebration with...what else? Cake and special pink ice cream:

Best wishes for many, many more, Miss J!

"There's More of Us, Mommy!"

We took the kids out to do some shopping this weekend. One of the salespeople at a local store was talking with us and was asking Connor and Kylee what their names were, how old they are...you know the drill. She then asked "Do you have any other brothers and sisters?" and then she looked to Brandon and I and inquired, "Do you have other children?" At first, I was a little put off...did she think we did have other children but just left them somewhere else ("Why, yes, but we left the others out in the car!")?

Connor and Kylee looked at me and waited for an answer. I think the saleslady sensed there was more to the story. I wasn't sure what to say. What I wanted to say was "Yes! We have more children. You see, on March 30th, we were told that...." but I didn't think it was the time or place to get into all of that. So I simply shook my head and said "No. Just the two of them."

Connor looked at me, and almost immediately said "Mommy! There's more of us! Not just two! We have Caden! Our little brother!"

I then revised my answer...."Yes, we have one more son, but he's not here with us. We have one in heaven and two here." The saleslady said something like "Oh, that's too bad."

I looked at Connor and said, "You're right, Buddy. There are more of you."

And there always will be.

A Rough Patch

Hello.

I am writing tonight to ask for your prayers. It has been a rough week for me. I think the garden dedication, while providing a great deal of closure for me, also dug up a fair amount of grief and sadness...in that fresh sort of way that it hit me right after Caden was born.

I struggle because, while I do believe with all of my heart and soul that God is with me, I feel as if He is just standing there, watching me. Not intervening. Not even comforting, necessarily. I have a strong sense that He is right beside me...however, I wish He would reach out, hold me, and show me some true joy.

Selfishly, I cannot help but reflect on the incredible and painful sacrifice He asked us to make. We were denied any time with our son after making a decision (to continue the pregnancy despite a terminal diagnosis) that we believed to be within God's will for us. It is a tough pill to swallow. I want a reward. And I, in a very human form and fashion, desire it NOW. After all, God has MY baby up there with Him.

We have been told by many who have also lost children that incredible things will happen in our lives as a result of this experience. Many of them also report having visions of their children in heaven or seeing signs here on Earth that lead them to believe that their child is happy and well. Today, I hunger for this sort of affirmation. Just like any parent, I wonder what my son is doing up there. I want to know that God sees the sacrifice we've made and that He's going to make it right for us.

I am so grateful to know that my son is sitting at the Father's feet. But, has God forgotten about those of us who are grieving here on earth? Caden's mother and father? His brother and sister?

The evil one would have me believe that I am forgotten. However, I know that I am not, but I seek His comfort and reassurance desperately. I want him to show me the rainbow behind the clouds. In a tangible, undeniable way.

I see the parallels to my own parenting. I can just hear God saying to me what I might say to Connor or Kylee..."When you choose a better attitude, I will help you." Folks...right now, I don't know if I have a better attitude in me. My tank is pretty empty.

After six months of extreme unrest, my soul longs for peace and joy that only He can bring. And I am going to have to find that in spite of enduring my worst nightmare...telling one of my children "goodbye" forever.

I know it will come. I pray it happens sooner rather than later. I believe He can bring it to me.

The Dedication

We learned the true meaning of the word "dedication" on Friday night.

As many of you know, the Kansas City area was hit with severe weather on Friday evening, with tornadoes being sighted around the metro area. When the tornadoes finally blew threw, a torrential downpour started. So, those who ventured out to North Star Church on Friday evening were truly dedicated!!! We debated about cancelling everything, but then decided to make a go of it despite the bad weather (growing up in central Kansas has led us to perhaps not be as afraid of Mother Nature as we should be sometimes). The tornado sirens shut off as we were walking out our front door.

We were amazed at the turnout despite the bad weather. Several were unable to join us because of the storms, but we know those that weren't able to be there in person were with us in spirit.

The Dedication was PERFECT. We did move it to our church because of the inclement weather, so we created a PowerPoint that we showed so people could see the progression of our garden. The names you see on the last couple slides are names of all the families who donated to our garden, either financially or with their time. Wow.

I am so thankful that we proceeded with the dedication despite the bad weather. Brandon and I both really needed the closure it provided. Our pastor spoke, Chris and Tiffany, our worship leaders, sang two beautiful songs, and Brandon spoke for a few moments about what the garden has meant to us. It was short, simple, intimate...just what we'd wanted.

Thank you to all of those that made the special effort to come out and join us. It meant the world to us to have you there. For those of you who were unable to attend, here is a piece of the dedication just for you. You can check it out here.

Hopefully that link will work, but let us know if you have any problems with it!

Planting Day!!

Planting Day in Caden's Garden was a HUGE success. Several of our friends came out and put planted some beautiful flowers and gorgeous bushes in our yard today. Our garden comes complete with solar lighting, too (thanks, Berrys!). We are so pleased with how it came out.

Here are some pictures:

Caden's "Treasure of Heaven" windchime (thanks, Laurie!):

A plaque engraved in Caden's honor (thanks, Debbie!) that sits underneath the Magnolia tree from Caden's grandparents:

Kirsten brought Kylee a special bug to put in the garden:

We are looking forward to dedicating the garden next Friday evening. THANK YOU again to all of you who have made this outdoor sanctuary possible!!

Two Months

Good Evening!

We are sitting here, listening to the Republican National Convention. I don't dabble in politics often (Brandon does that enough for both of us), but it is interesting to hear the perspectives of those that are speaking. I am excited about a woman running on the McCain ticket. I look forward to hearing her speak tonight.

This week has been a good one. Brandon and I took a trip to Chicago over Labor Day weekend. The time without the kids was so nice. It was great for us to be able to rest, relax, shop, and eat on our own schedule. We took in some of the sights of the city, slept in, and ate ourselves into oblivion. The kids spent time with Grandpa and Grandma McKinney in Baldwin, and, despite spending three days there, Kylee still cried when it was time for her to come home with us. They had a blast over the weekend, too.

Friday was a difficult day as we learned that baby Gabriella Duffet, at 55 days old, passed away. We have come to know Gabriella's family through Alexandra's House. Gabriella was born on July 5th and had Trisomy 18. As I mentioned in a previous post, she defied the odds by being here on earth with us for as long as she was. As her Daddy said on their family blog...Gabriella sprouted her wings and went to heaven....on August 29th. It brought back many painful memories of losing Caden, and, again, the question "Why must anyone endure this kind of pain?" We may never know. Of course, our love, thoughts, and prayers continue to be with the Duffett family. Please include them in your prayers as well.

Saturday was the two month anniversary of Caden's birth. I felt funny and then realized what day it was. I often find that my heart tells me when an anniversary date is approaching even if I don't consciously realize what the date is. I was grateful that we were doing something fun together. It made the day more bearable.

I am finding more peace as the days go by. There isn't a day that I don't miss our baby, but time is healing our wounds. Life is moving forward. Brandon and I talk about Caden often. The kids are doing well...Kylee hasn't had any more meltdowns, although she still looks at the baby stuff in Target with sad eyes. Above, you see her wearing her napkin on her head at dinner. Look out, Little Red Riding Hood!

We are picking up the pieces and finding our new normal. I have found that I speak of Caden in normal conversation as one of our children, which, of course, he is. Sometimes it catches people off guard, but it feels good to say his name. Some inquire about him when I mention his name, and it gets easier to share his story each time we do it. As we share our story, we have found that many people open up and share their own story of loss. It is humbling and soothing all at once. Many have looked at Caden's picture in our entryway and commented on how beautiful he was. We agree. :)

On Saturday, our friends will be here planting flowers and shrubs in Caden's garden. We are excited to see it all come together. We will dedicate the garden in just two weeks...another step in the healing process for us. We will post pictures when it is finished.

We are so grateful to have a garden full of living, beautiful things to help us memorialize our baby boy. Thank you so much to all of you who have helped bring the garden into being.

We continue to appreciate your love, thoughts, and prayers. Keep them coming!