Almost Two Years...

It is incredible to me that Caden looks just like he's sleeping in this picture. This was the picture that Brandon took just seconds before we walked out of the hospital, leaving our precious angel behind in a little white basket.

It has been almost two years since we held our baby in our arms.

June is always a difficult month. The anniversary of my mother's death is on June 9th...and then we begin replaying the mess of emotions we felt in June of 2008, all culminating with Caden's Heaven Day on June 30th.

I distinctly remember coming home from the Doctor's appointment where we scheduled my induction. I thought it was a great cosmic injustice that choosing an induction date was synonymous with choosing the day we'd say goodbye to our boy.

Two years ago tonight, we were preparing to go to the hospital. Last minute arrangements were taking place...small details being tended to so that when we came home with empty arms, we'd have nothing to concentrate on but healing.

In the days before Caden was born, I remember going to the store to buy a sportsbra that I could wear to help reduce the pain from the engorgement I'd experience after Caden was born. Brandon went and bought a black shirt to wear in our Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photos. Instead of picking out "I'm a Big Brother" and "I'm a Big Sister" shirts for Connor and Kylee, we packed dark shirts for them so that our pictures would look good. I would have given ANYTHING to be buying diapers, binkies, Dreft, or blankets. But no. It was all so bleak. Planning for death at the same moment we anticipated birth.

Looking back, I wish I'd spent more time just rubbing my belly. Feeling Caden move. In the moment, I was so exhausted and emotionally spent that laying awake at night was frustrating. I tried to treasure each and every flutter (his most active time was around 2:00 am), praying that everything would be okay. Begging God to let us have time with our son....the precious life I felt twisting and turning inside me....and not letting go of hope that maybe, just maybe, we could bring our baby home.

But it was not to be.

The kids have had a difficult time with missing Caden recently. Both have cried many tears in the last few weeks, missing their brother. We cry right along with them. We pray that Caden is happy up in heaven and remind each other that someday, we'll get to be with him again. It is interesting because Connor and Kylee aren't necessarily aware of the anniversary that is approaching, yet the energy in our house flows differently, and they perceive that.

The energy will flow differently with each year that passes, but I hope we will continue to reflect on Caden being a part of our family every day, and especially as June 30th approaches each year.

Our baby is forever woven into the fabric of our hearts.

Scout Mania!

The month of June has been filled with fun Scouting adventures.

Connor spent his 8th birthday at the Omaha Zoo, participating in an overnight camping trip. The Scouts got to spend the night in the zoo's aquarium, surrounded by sharks and sting-rays. Connor and Brandon secured a coveted spot in the shark tunnel, where they watched the sharks swim above them throughout the night:

The campout also included two hikes, where the boys and their guests got to learn more about the zoo and all that animals that live there. At 12:11 pm on Sunday, June 13th, we stopped right in the middle of the desert habitat so I could kiss our birthday boy at the precise moment he entered the world (rest assured, no one we knew was around). It was awesome.

Look! A lion!

The girls and I stayed in a nearby hotel while the boys soaked up the overnight experience. We toured the zoo together as a family the morning after the campout. We had never been to the Omaha Zoo before and it was a great experience! You could see many of the animals right up close.

The morning after we got home from Omaha, summer Scout camp began. For Boy Scouts, it is a day camp at the Platte County Fairgrounds. The boys and their Scout Leaders spent 4 days out in the heat and dust, doing all sorts of manly things, including shooting BB guns and bows and arrows. Here is a picture of Connor's Den:

Playing marbles at a station:

Looking good! Connor calls this his "Indiana Jones" hat:

The evolution of a marksman:

Connor was in HEAVEN. He came home every day literally covered (head to toe) in mud and grime. I am learning that in a boy's world, the dirtier you are when you come home, the better the experience was. :)

Hanging at Home with Hadley

This is where Hadley hangs out during the day while Connor and Kylee are at school....

First Day of Summer School!

At the beginning of the month, both of the kids started summer school. For Kylee, this a "practice run" for kindergarten, for Connor, it was an opportunity to spend time with friends and participate in fun elective courses (Super Summer Science, Get Movin', and learning how to use a computer, for example) as a big SECOND grader.

It is totally surreal that Kylee is now in all day school, too. The adjustment has been a rough one. As much as she loves being social, she is a BIG home body. So, being away from home every day for several hours has taken its toll on her. About 4:00 every afternoon, she has a meltdown of massive proportions. It is very difficult to be patient with her behavior, but we try to remind ourselves of what a stressful transition this is for our big girl.

We are blessed to have Kylee in Miss Mac's class. Miss Mac was Connor's kindergarten teacher and we simply ADORE her. So, dropping her off on the first day was much easier because we knew she was in great hands, with a teacher who would encourage her strengths and help strengthen her weaknesses. Kylee has a couple friends in her class, Morgan and Braden, so seeing familiar faces each day has eased the transition, too.

As per usual, Connor has been an outstanding big brother. He sits next to Kylee on the school bus and makes sure she gets to her classroom okay in the mornings. What a blessing his gentle soul is.

My favorite time of day is picking them up at the bus stop. Seeing both their faces pressed up against the window waving frantically still chokes me up (and not because I am anticipating the subsequent 4:00 pm Kylee J meltdown, but because I am so glad to have my babies back home). It is the best.

As I type this, the kids have just 3 days of summer school left. It has been a lot of fun, but we are looking forward to having some time to just play together!

Celebrating

When Kylee Jordan is around, there is never a dull moment. Her fire and passion leads to continuous joy, aggravation, laughter, and frustration in our household...sometimes all at once. I wanted to share some pictures of Kylee's end of the school year activites with you all. Her fire and passion shine through in these photos.

Kylee had the opportunity to work on her soccer skills this summer in sessions led by some friends of ours. The sessions were very casual and Kylee got to play alongside some of her good buddies. Here she is in her shirt with all her soccer gear:

She did a great job and wasn't afraid to get in there and get after it. It was a great first experience for her.

The end of the school year also brought the classroom celebration and program at Second Friends. After four years of attending this program between celebrating with Connor and Kylee, it is hard to believe we won't be back next year!

Here's Kylee with her teachers, Ms. Pam and Ms. Tiffani. Simply put, these ladies are the "All Stars" of the preschool teaching world. We have been so blessed to have them both in Kylee's life! They handed out awards to each child, and Kylee received the "Best Communicator" and "Best Teacher" award (let's all be shocked). Kylee would frequently take the lead on "organizing" activities for her friends (we swear she'll be a CEO someday). Rather than trying to tame her, these incredible women praised and fostered our daughter's strengths...something we are so grateful for!

Grandma Carlson was on hand for the special celebration. Kylee had created a special memory book of her preschool year that she shared with us all:

The whole crew (minus Connor):

A cute sister moment:

As we left the preschool for the last time, one of the teachers asked "Do you have Hadley on the list"?

I smiled, said "nope!", and walked away. Facing that giant is a ways off. :)

Hadley's Happenings

I have taken a moment tonight to post about Connor and Kylee's end-of-year activities, and now it is time to take a moment to acknowledge our littlest star. Hadley is exploring her world and discovering new things on a daily basis. She has grown into an impressively quick crawler and has mastered climbing stairs (you would think my thighs would be more toned with all the stair climbing I'm doing, but alas, not so much). Her vocabulary now includes "uh-oh" and, on occasion "thank you" (or a baby version of that phrase). Our now 10-month-old baby girl continues to light up our lives with her grin, almost constant babbling, and contagious laugh.

Here is a glimpse into Hadley's Happenings:

Bath time is a favorite. Hadley loves to put her hands under the faucet and to splash in the water. I had forgotten how much fun it is to watch a baby be enamored with the noises and sensation that splashing water brings.

Along with climbing stairs, exploring the pantry is one of Hadley's favorite pasttimes. One day, I noticed that it was suspiciously quiet. I discovered that Hadley had occupied herself with chewing into several hot chocolate packets. As you can see above, she was COVERED in hot chocolate powder and had left a rather impressive trail of powder all over our kitchen. I am still trying to decide if the huge mess was worth the 10 minutes of quiet this particular activity provided. It's hard to say. I'd trade almost any mess for 10 minutes of quiet.

Hadley went on her first wagon ride when Grandma Carlson was here last week. Too cute!

And speaking of too cute, here's our girl in her summer duds. Our neighbor LOVES to play with Hadley and has asked a few times if Hadley could put a swimsuit on. Today I finally said "sure", and the results are pretty precious.

Hadley continues to melt our hearts and be, pretty much, the center of all of our worlds. The joy she brings to us on a daily basis is indescribable. It's hard to believe we have a one year birthday awaiting us in just two months!

Our Little Dancer

For the last 9 months, Kylee has attended dance classes at a local studio. Her dance experience culminated in a spring recital. As you can tell from the picture above, she didn't enjoy it AT ALL. :) She thought having a costume was pretty special and she did a GREAT job in her performance.

For some reason, the pictures I took of her dancing are really blurry. But in the picture above, you see Kylee winking. The song she danced to was about "watching all the boys go by". Kylee let herself smile and really soak up the moment. It was fun to watch her have fun!

We had lots of family on hand to help us celebrate, including Aunt Sarah, Cara, Collin, and Grandpa and Grandma McKinney...

Uncle Jordan and Mandy came along, too:

Proud of our girl!!

Bridging

This time of year brings lots of "lasts" as extra-curricular activities wrap up for the summer. It is fun to celebrate the kids' accomplishments, and, I must admit, nice to know that we'll have a bit of a break from our "go-go-go" weekly schedule.

A few weeks ago, we watched Connor as he "bridged" over from Tiger Cubs to Wolf Cubs. Connor has really enjoyed participating in Scouts this year. He will attend his first Boy Scout camp in a couple weeks. He is very excited at the prospect of shooting things with bee bees and arrows.

The first part of the ceremony involved receiving a new badge from the Cubmaster:

Then, the boys moved outside and got to literally cross a bridge. Connor did a great job!

Focusing hard:

After crossing the bridge, the boys each received a new neckerchief, symbolizing their new rank:

It was a neat ceremony. Yet another symbol that our boy is growing up!