Approaching Friday...

Many kind folks have inquired as to when our 20 week sonogram is. I appreciate it that people have asked, because it means they understand, on some level, the anxiety that surrounds this typically joyous landmark of a "normal" pregnancy. Our sonogram is this Friday.

On March 30th of last year, our world came crumbling down around us. Our 20 week ultrasound quickly spiraled into a real-time nightmare as we saw the lack of fluid around our son.

Knowing that our baby girl has kidneys and a bladder has helped to relieve some of this fear as we prepare to walk into the sonogram room this time. However, there is a residual anxiety that we carry with us as a result of our experience with Caden...so we are grateful for your prayers. We have decided to take the kids with us, hoping that getting to see a healthy baby on the screen will bring healing to them. They are counting down the months until this baby joins us here at home.

Pregnancy after loss is incredibly healing. I wish I could express how different our approach and reverence for this little life is following the loss of our son. Every landmark is even more precious...every little kick a huge blessing. We know these moments are to be treasured...and the realization that some babies' lives, like Caden's, consist only of the time they've spent in their mother's womb drives this point home even harder.

Moments of uncertainty are also magnified...the fears, the knowledge of what all could go wrong...tell me that we won't fully enjoy this little one until she is here with us on the outside...breathing and moving in our arms. Every appointment brings my heart up into my throat...will we hear or see her heartbeat? Is she okay? Will there be fluid? It's a far cry from the typical "How much weight have I gained THIS time?" type worries I had in my pregnancies with Connor and Kylee.

The other thing I have learned, thanks to our journey with Caden, is that we are entirely powerless to control the outcome of this pregnancy. And if, heaven forbid, we were asked to go through another loss, He would get us through it. I praise Him through that uncertainty, and trust in His plan for this baby...praying that she gets to come home with us, but knowing if, at any point, we get bad news, we will celebrate our daughter's life for what it has been so far. This viewpoint is a blessing and a curse. We are soaking up each and every day that she is with us.

We will let you know what Friday brings. And in the meantime, thanks for your prayers.