Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Hour By Hour...

Good Morning. Brandon has done such a great job keeping things updated, but I have missed you all and wanted to take a turn. :)

I am feeling up to writing a bit...almost feeling as if I need to purge....you all have been such a receptive community and for that, we thank you. You have loved our precious baby Caden right along with us....

Although I knew that these days would be difficult, I had no idea just how painful they would be. My heart literally aches, and the tears burn in my eyes almost constantly. My body mourns the loss of our son, also....cramps, pains, tenderness....they all serve as a reminder that Caden is no longer inside of me. To ask a mother to tell her infant goodbye...it seems unreal to me, as I know it does to many of you. It just isn't nature's order, and although I know that God is sovereign, I can't help but question this call.

I hadn't realized how desperately I wanted Caden to be born alive. I am grappling with why God didn't allow us at least a few moments before He brought Caden to be with Him. I already know that I will probably NEVER get a reason why. I won't lie and tell you that I am okay with that. I simply am not. The look on Brandon's face when the Doctor told us Caden wasn't alive is one that won't soon be erased from my memory.

I wish I could convey to you how BEAUTIFUL Caden looked. His hair was my favorite part of him...a gorgeous color and absolutely silky soft. His little head was perfectly shaped, and his skin, although cold, was truly baby soft. His eyes were closed so peacefully, yet opening them revealed the deepest blue color you could ever imagine. His fingers were long, slender, and delicate. His little feet were also perfectly formed, with one little toe on his left foot that stuck up just a bit.

It was simply amazing to watch our family members embrace our little man. They held him so tenderly, with love reflected in their faces. It didn't matter that Caden's spirit wasn't inside his body...they showered him with love and acceptance and marveled right along with us at how perfect he was. Connor and Kylee each took turns holding him...how painful to realize that he will never get to run and play with them, but I know that he is watching over them from above. Connor really wanted to dress Caden, and carefully laid out and folded the onesie we had brought...he and Brandon worked together to get the littlest Carlson all dressed up. Now the onesie is in Caden's memory box, a true treasure.

Brandon and I were allowed some very precious time alone with Caden as well. We curled up in bed together, just the three of us, and we stroked his soft head and inhaled his faint baby scent before laying him in the basket for the last time. We knew, in those moments, that our struggles over the last three months had been worth it.

We went to the funeral home yesterday and that was a total nightmare. I know it's their job, but getting a sales pitch about purchasing family burial space just wasn't what we needed. We signed all the paperwork, and paid a bill that I had never fathomed paying...for the cremation of our precious son. Looking at his death certificate and seeing that the "never married" and "never employed" boxes were checked brought a great deal of pain, but I have to remind myself that such earthly pleasures are far beneath the splendor of heaven that Caden is experiencing right now. We picked out an urn that is a little teddy bear, and Alexandra's House will cover the cost of that for us as they assist us in memorializing our son. They offered us one last chance to see Caden, but we opted not to. A difficult decision, but we decided that the image of him resting peacefully in the white basket (the picture posted on our earlier blog), is the one we want to carry with us.

Looking at pictures of him is still so painful. I know that eventually, these momentos will bring me a great deal of comfort, but for now, they are symbols of something that has been lost. I talked with another Mom who has experienced infant loss, and she said "you just have to get through this, hour by hour." She's right. There's no way out but through it.

The day I left the hospital, it was bright and sunny out. As she wheeled me outside, the nurse said, "At least it could be rainy. That would be more appropriate, wouldn't it?" I don't know that I actually responded to her, but inside I thought, "No. My baby boy knows I need the sunshine on my face today."

Today is a rainy day. I guess God is crying with us.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow. This has been incredibly heartbreaking! I cannot tell you how much I respect you for the way you have handled this tough time. You've earned your stripes. Caden is being well cared for, and although it may not seem so now, you are being well cared for too. We all love you.
ELW

Laurie in Ca. said...

Sweet Lindsey,

I have been thinking about you and praying non stop. I too kept asking God to let Caden be born alive for you but it wasn't in His will. I am not okay with that either, my heart broke for you and Brandon. I am so sorry. Your description of Caden is just breathtaking. A beautiful and perfect little body for his spirit to grow. I wish I could carry some of the pain of this loss for you. Please know that I will be praying for you and your families for a very long time, probably forever. He is a beautiful baby boy and will be missed tremendously. May the Lord wrap His arms tightly around your family and comfort you. I love you guys. Thank you so much for sharing Caden with all of us. He is a treasure.

Laurie in Ca.

Anonymous said...

Dearest Lindsey,
I am sorry! As a mother who also let go and buried my little boy-I understand your deep deep deep pain. Unless you have had to do it, no one understands exactly what you feel. Exactly what you were told hour by hour, is exactly right. There is no better way to describe it. As I know, some may say and think it was for the better, we as moms know it would be better they are here with us-that is the better! All I can tell you from my loss, is I completely turned my soul to God and he walked me through it and did amazing things with my sons memory and I know Caden is your miracle and angel and he has more instore for you and your family than you will ever IMAGINE. You will see that the power of God's work will be so uplifting and miraculous than you would have ever imagined it from your loss. You as a mother and your family were chosen ones. If I could only tell you his work at hand, you would be blown away! You will never go a single day that either you, your husband, or your kids will not think of Caden even Kylee your youngest. They will probably know more about death, heaven, and God that most do. I know you will not expereince the same pain as I did and still DO! But it will be very similiar to all us mothers and families that have gone through it-its seems we experience very similiar emotions and thoughts. I beleive that our little angels reign beside him at the gates of heaven and he opened them wide for them. As you feel so much pain, aching, loss, anger, loniness, questioning, devastation, surrender yourself to him, and he will comfort you. As he can not save us from these nightmares, he can hold us. A song that was sung at baby Jeffrey's funeral was "Held" by Natalie Grant. I find such comfort in it. I have listened to it almost every couple of weeks since 12-24-06 me and my daughter. You will find yourself coping in these ways. As some of your family and friends begin to think over time that things are back to "normal" you as a chosen mother, will no differently, that you are a changed person forever. My heart is with you always. Take care and much love, Traci B.

Anonymous said...

Crying with you...sorry for the pain! I know it hurts so very much!!!

I am glad you, Brandon, and Caden were able to spend some time alone just the three of you before you had to say good-bye. That's something I wish my husband and I could have experienced together before saying good-bye to our little son. I am so thankful that you had this special time with your dear little Caden.

You two have been so brave, so honest, and so trusting through this entire experience. Thank you for who you are as individuals, as a couple, as parents, as a family, and as children of God. You have been and continue to be a blessing to us all through your difficult situation. Thank you!

I will continue to pray for your healing and comfort.

wm

Anonymous said...

Lindsey, my friend, we are aching with you. "Unreal" describes my thoughts when I think about everything that you've been through. I am so glad that you got time with Caden... to soak up his presence...may those moments shine.
Praying to God for your healing...
love, kirsten

Anonymous said...

Lindsey,
You continue to amaze me with your words and strength. I know there is no pain in this world that can compare to having to say goodbye to your precious baby boy. I agree, hour by hour is the way to get through this pain. It's okay to allow yourself to "not be okay with this." You're right this is not something anyone every dreams they will be going through. You continue to be in my prayers!

Tracy

Anonymous said...

What special memories you have. I am so glad you were able to spend those precious moments with Caden. I am so sorry you are having to experience this deep loss. My thoughts are consumed by you and my heart aches for you.
God bless you Lindsey, Brandon, Connor, and Kylee,
Mindy

Samantha said...

You have shared such intimate moments with us. Thank you for the glimpse into such an incredible moment filled with immense love as you and Brandon snuggled with your son.
Continually thinking of you and praying that God shows Himself often,
Samantha

Anonymous said...

Lindsey,

Caden looks so beautiful and peacful. I am looking forward to seeing more pictures of him and I know in time these pictures will be so special to you. I could never imagine what you are going through on a daily basis but know that there are so many of us that love you. I think about your family many times each day and I wish so much that there was something I could do to ease your pain or make you smile just for a moment. I hope when you are up to visitors I can come over and see you and the kids. I am so very sorry for the pain you are going through but just wanted to say hello and tell you that Caden looks so beautiful.

Anonymous said...

Words truly can't express the sorrow I feel. I'm so glad you got to spend time with Caden. Those moments will last you a lifetime and will be more precious to you with each day. I'm sorry that you both have had to make so many difficult decisions, but I feel you have done so well. I'm so glad that you have each other to lean on and you will get through this with God's Grace. Please know that you have so many people that care and love you and want to help in any way that they can. Lindsey, thanks for sharing this experience. I'm glad that you guys didn't try to do it all alone and I hope that all the heartfelt words and prayers from your family and friends help you endure this pain. God will be with you, but by sharing your pain with all of us you are actually doing us a favor by letting us share this difficult time with you. I feel very special to be part of your lives this way and hope that every prayer and thought for you and your family has helped a little bit. You are a very special family and I will continue to pray for all of you and God bless sweet, beautiful, little Caden. He is truly an angel and will be watching over all of you. Please don't doubt for one minute that he knows how much we all love him.

Karla

Unknown said...

Lindsey, Bradon, and all my Kansas family,
I cannot imagin what is going through your mind right now, just know that every doubt, dissapointment, fear and shock, bewilderment, numbness...it's all ok. You are brave, strong, wonderful people and I am so thankful for you, for sharing your life with us in this way.
You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I love you..
Jessica Morrow

Laurie in Ca. said...

Hi Lindsey and Brandon,

Just stopping by this Thursday afternoon to leave some love and hugs for you. I am praying for you to get through this, moment by moment with the Lord. I think of you so often and hope that Connor and Kylee are doing good too and pray for their little hearts to somehow understand. I hope your 4th tomorrow is a relaxing and blessed one. I love you guys. And I love Caden.

Laurie in Ca.

Sheryl said...

Lindsey,

I think you are absolutely right to say that God is crying with you. Like you, I can not begin to imagine why God has allowed things to happen as they have. It seems so senseless. I do know though that the Bible presents God as both mother and father at various places, and if this is so, then God must understand the pain you are in and must somehow feel it and experience it with you.

Your honesty has been amazing and humbling. Thank you for sharing this experience with us. You have taught us so much by sharing.

Praying that God will give you hope,
Sheryl

Anonymous said...

We are thinking of you and crying along with you. Love you all-
Robyn and Ben

Anonymous said...

Lindsey-

I so wanted you to have a few minutes with your sweet baby and prayed for that gift for you. I know we aren't suppose to question why, but I have to tell you I have questioned God, I am sure someday we will know those answers. The only advice I can give you is get the pain out, talk about it, blog about it, scrapbook it whatever works for you. Remember your little guy whenever you want to, share your story, be a little selfish think about you and your feelings. Be good no great to yourself, your heart is broken, a little piece of you is gone and right now you obly have to make it minute to minute! I'm sorry we share this bond but will be praying for you sister!