Blessings Abound

Hello...

This week has continued to be very rough for me on an emotional level. I don't know if anyone out there can relate, but I can generally go a few days feeling down in the dumps, and eventually, the MASSIVE MELTDOWN occurs. After several times of me answering "I'm fine" when Brandon asks what's wrong, he asks one more time (because he is an exceptionally patient and loving husband), and the dam breaks.

I admire his bravery in continuing to ask, because quiet frankly, dealing with the dam break is no fun for anyone...and if I were him, I might wish to avoid that. But he persists, knowing that eventually, the emotions will come rushing out, along with a great deal of whining, tears, and verbal diarrhea. Thanks, honey.

This week has actually been a good one for my wonderful husband. He got to go see the new Batman movie with our neighbor (rave reviews, by the way) AND, he is getting a new cell phone (this rivals our wedding day and the births of our children in terms of joy for those of you who don't know of my husbands love for gadgetry, particularly a good cell phone). I love it that my husband finds so much excitment in these things. He deserves it. Truly. But, as a result of this, I started feeling sorry for myself because I am currently craving some "happy things" in my world. So, the downward spiral began.

The dam broke and the meltdown occurred last night. Part of my meltdown resulted in somewhat of a realization (it is always nice when I can pull something constructive out of the verbal diarrhea)....that I am feeling very RESENTFUL right now.

Now, I am resentful about the obvious...continuing a difficult pregnancy and then not getting to hold my baby while he was alive. But I am also resentful about less obvious things...allow me to process with you all...

1.) My children are going to school in about three weeks. I had anticipated this being a wonderful time for me to bond with our new baby...and now, there's no new baby, and not only that, but I am sending my other two babies away (granted, the youngest will only be gone for 3 hours twice a week, but still!). I was not ready for an empty house, but now God going to make me figure out what to do with it. I feel like I have been asked to "figure out" enough. Ugh.

In talking with many people that have dealt with infant loss, we have noticed two means of coping....the first of which is getting a new family pet, and the second of which is a trip to DisneyWorld. This greatly amused us, because prior to hearing this, we had discussed the exact same methods of coping....

2.) We had contemplated getting a new dog....more or less so I will have something to nurture while my kids are away at school (plus, what is there in this world that sweet puppy kisses won't make feel better?). Now, I think that deep in my heart, I know a new dog probably isn't the right solution for us (we have been down to one dog for about 4 months now and it has been really nice, plus the potty training, the expense, the messes, yadda, yadda, yadda)....but, there is a part of me that defies logic and longs for SOMETHING little, furry, cute, and cuddly in the house. And, I know the kids would love it. We went to Petsmart last weekend and Kylee asked if she could have a chinchilla for her birthday. I think a dog would be a great alternative. Anyway, we can't get a dog right now because we will be travelling a lot throughout the next month or so. So, that idea is out for now. Ugh.

3.) We are not going to go to Disney. We have worked very hard over the last year to pay off our "bad" debt. We have been able to make decent progress, and so putting a trip to Disney on the credit card wouldn't be the most financially sound decision we could make. It sucks to have to be responsible at a time like this, but I know that, in the end, we wouldn't feel good about spending that much money on a vacation right now. But still, I resent that. Ugh.

4.) I can't fit into any of my clothes. I feel squishy, and once again, have been left wondering if my abdomen will ever resemble anything other than a muffin top. When a girl is down in the dumps, she does NOT need to stand in her closet contemplating which pair of elastic-waistband pants she is going to wear. This is much easier to deal with when you have a beautiful newborn in the house...and I don't. So I just get resentful. I know if I watch what I eat, I can lose the weight (although I am afraid that the muffin top is here to stay). However, I don't WANT to deny myself ice cream and french fries right now. But again, if I want to lose the weight, I must be disciplined. One might say, "but Lindsey, it has only been four weeks". But trust me, four weeks of alternating between the two pairs of pants that fit is enough for me. Plus, in a way, it is nice to have at least one aspect of this situation that I can do something to remedy. I just wish it involved consuming more grease and chocolate. Ugh.

I feel like, if God is going to put me in this situation, he needs to help me get through it. And sometimes it is hard to see how He is doing that. But then I look around me and realize how MANY wonderful people are praying for us right now. I see my husband sitting beside me in the dark, just listening. I watch my children play in the swimming pool, splashing without a care in the world. I get an e-mail from someone who is contributing to Caden's garden. I speak with another mother who lost her baby just a week ago and realize that, in fact, although it's all hard, each day does get easier. I am already being given the opportunity to comfort another, and God will use this situation for good....somehow. Through all of these people and things, He is helping me.

After my meltdown last night, I came downstairs this morning, puffy-eyed and praying for the strength to make it through one more day. I found a plate of eggs that Brandon had fixed for me, still warm on the counter. I noticed our kitchen smelled good, and I saw two beautiful lilies that my husband had bought for me last night sitting on our kitchen table in a vase. I am currently watching our two children hard at work coloring on our family room floor....

The blessings abound. I confess my resentfulness and am grateful that God has already forgiven me for it. I know that, despite the fact that I have told Him multiple times this week that He is a real jerk, He is still providing for us in ways we are not even aware of. And, I know that, as the tears roll down my face, our baby is Home.

I know that, while the most painful, this is the best blessing of all.

"God is able to provide you with every blessing in abundance, so that by always having enough of everything, you may share abundantly in every good work." 2 Corinthians 9:8