Choices

The weeks leading up to Easter were difficult ones for us. This blog has been a place for me to share my thoughts and feelings....so once again, grab a cup of coffee and settle in with me. 
For the last several years, I have worked as an online instructor for a program that assists Nursing students all over the world in their preparation for NCLEX (the licensing exam Nurses are required to take). I was honored to be asked to take on more and more responsibility within the program as the years went by. For the last two years, I took on many administrative duties for the program, in addition to assisting with product development and managing a full load of students year round. The position allowed me to work from home while earning a good income. What a blessing!  I was learning so much as part of the corporate world....and realized this was not the world for me.  I came face to face with the classic "time or money" dilemma.  I was not willing to drink the proverbial "Kool-Aid" and found that what motivates most folks in Corporate America wasn't what motivated me.

As many of you know, teaching future nurses in the classroom and online has been a passion of mine for the last 10 years.  I have been blessed to have opportunities to keep my foot in the door professionally, while still being present at home.  When this opportunity came available, I jumped at it.  And, because I'm me, I didn't do the job halfway.  I spent hours and hours on the computer, doing the very best I could to keep up with demands.  Answering e-mails at all hours of the day and night, assisting co-workers and students, and dealing with a boss who has a personality very different than my own.  And then, when I wasn't on the computer, I was being wife, Mommy, taxi service, calendar coordinator, budget balancer.....and losing myself.

For weeks, I felt a sense of unrest in my soul.  I had this sense that the way I was spending my time was not congruent with what I valued most in my life.  And while it was nice to be making good money and feeling important, my heart was hurting.  I struggled for a long time with what to do with that feeling of unrest.  Some days, I felt that I needed to just set new boundaries and continue on...but repeated efforts to re-structure and walk away from work failed.  I realized that I wasn't the type of person who could just walk away and let go.  I continued to be physically present, but rarely emotionally present as work weighed heavily on my heart and mind.  This was a problem.  The Holy Spirit was guiding me, encouraging me to remember that the cares of this world are not the cares of our Lord.  And that living a life that honors Him isn't attached to a title or a salary.  He was whispering to me.  I felt the tugs.

My friends and family were an incredible support to me.  Hours on the phone and many discussions in person allowed me to process these thoughts, feelings, and emotions.  Those who knew me best encouraged me to walk away.  Most importantly, my husband looked at me and said "It's time to let it go."  Over the years, I had invested so much of myself in this job that I almost wondered who I'd be without it consuming so much of my life.  I was scared on so many levels...What would happen to our income?  Would my boss be upset with me?  Was I stranding my co-workers?  Would the kids be upset that we couldn't eat out as much?  Emotionally, I knew that having my whole and present would outweigh any complications that arose, but it was scary.  When you are so deeply entrenched in one world, it is hard to walk out.

Things came to a head in mid-March when I had a phone conversation with my boss.  In this conversation, it became apparent to me that where I was at in my life was not congruent with where I needed to be to continue to be successful with this company in a full time role.  I was heartbroken and an anxious mess, but I also knew this was an interaction God was using to show me that it was time to make the break.  Shortly after this conversation, I officially requested to reduce my workload and be moved to part-time status within the program.  I waited for a week to hear back from my boss.  I was a wreck.  Anxiety was at an all time high as I feared what was coming...and braced myself for the worst.

The answer came on a Friday.  My boss called me and in a tone as cool as ice, said that the powers that be would grant my request and that I could transition into a part-time (aka second class citizen) role.  This would mean an uncertain salary (contract work) and no benefits, but would also mean freedom from administrative tasks and product development work.  I was getting my life back.

I started my new role on April 8th, and it did not escape my notice that this transition came about right after Easter.  I feel so blessed to have experienced my own renewal when we celebrated Christ's victory over the grave.  While some things are uncertain, in this time of transition, God has faithfully reminded me that He is the provider.  He has blessed me with a wonderful husband, beautiful children, and caring and supportive family and friends.  We are healthy and covered by His grace and mercy.

The last week has been incredible.  I have been able to be more fully present in all what I do and have been able to let go of so much of the anxiety and stress that has plagued me for the last several months.  I am still able to work with students in an online environment, and have enough space to realize how much I love doing it.  In just a few weeks, I will teach a Health Assessment course to a new group of Nursing students in person at William Jewell....does it get any better?  Most importantly, I am enjoying the sunshine with Hadley and able to be attentive to Connor and Kylee when they get home and want to share about their day.  I am watching TV with my husband at night and am doing it guilt-free.  I am singing worship songs in Church, feeling peace in my soul, knowing that we are not promised an easy road, but we are assured that Christ walks with us, and at times carries us, as we move along our journey.

I share all this because at some point, we all have hard choices to make.  I think it is rare to find that the right thing to do comes about easily.  For some people, the corporate world is exactly the right place.  For me, it wasn't.  And that is okay.  The pressures of this world and our desires to live up to our full potential in a worldly sense can sometimes create so much noise that it is difficult to center ourselves and remember that we are incredible simply because God created us.  In the days and weeks to come, I hope to meditate on this truth and embrace it.

I hope the same for you.