Missing Our Son

Today my heart has been heavy. So tonight, in a rare quiet moment, I turn to the computer to try to peck out how I am feeling, just as I did in the days when our grief and doubt weighed so heavily on us....as we anticipated Caden's birth and then grieved that he would no longer be here with us.

Today was my Mom's birthday. She would have been 55 years old. While it is typical for me to be a little down on this day, I have noticed that as the leaves fall from the trees and the holidays approach, my spirits have been a little low. I think it is because I am missing Caden.

It is such a strange paradox...to celebrate Hadley's first holidays and watch Connor and Kylee anticipate them as well...and yet, to feel such incredible sadness because one of us is missing. As is typical with grief, there are times that are just hard...and this month has been one of them for me.

Both Brandon and I have found ourselves looking at pictures of Caden independently of each other today. While I express only my own feelings, I imagine he is hurting in much the same way. The hurt never leaves.

I feel a profound sadness for those who I know are spending their first set of holidays without their baby...those who have endured losses this year...wounds so fresh, tears so wet, unsure of what to expect but knowing that they are about to tackle several "firsts" that no parent ever wants to take on. My prayers are with them...some whose names I know, and others I don't. May peace find them wherever they are.

The music from this time of year tends to make me extra emotional as well. The songs about Mary carrying the baby Jesus hit me hard. As I was listening to some Christian music this week, I realized that I have had the priviledge of carrying an angel in my womb. What a sacred moment that was for me. How I long to hold my angel. To feel his soft skin against mine...to shower him with kisses and I love you's...to wipe his little bottom, to hear his funny noises....to marvel at his growth and accomplishments.

Tonight, as I think about our precious Caden, I envision him with tiny angel wings along with his beautiful red hair...looking peaceful and contented. I hope he knows how much we love him. Thank you, Lord, for giving our special angel to us. We know his purpose in Your kingdom is far beyond what us mere mortals can comprehend.

Hadley is stirring in the swing, signaling that it is time for eating and cuddling. God is so good.