Overheard

Kylee received a doctor Barbie from Grandpa and Grandma Lori for Christmas. She was playing with it this morning and said: "This is the nurse Barbie. She tells the Doctor what to do."

That's my girl. :)

December 18th

Well, folks, tomorrow is our 10 year wedding anniversary.

As I reflect on all the changes that the last 10 years has brought, it is amazing. To see where God has brought us...how He's led us as we've gotten there....and the lessons we've learned along the way...incredible.

Anyone who is married knows that marriage teaches you not only about your spouse, but also about yourself. Brandon and I were talking the other night about what we believe makes a marriage successful. We concluded that the success of a marriage depends, of course, on a shared belief system, but also, on the willingness of both partners to put their spouse's needs ahead of their own. I have been blessed to spend the last ten years with a man who consistently loves me as Christ loved the Church. I am very humbled. At our wedding, the Pastor's message was on Ecclesiastes 4:9-12. We have carried that Scripture with us throughout your marriage and it has been such a blessing to us, time and time again.

We have navigated a great deal over the last 10 years...having four children, telling one of them goodbye, job losses, a Master's degree, job changes, new houses, births, deaths, weddings, friendships...and the hustle and bustle that is simply life. I can't imagine that the next 10 years will be nearly as full as the last 10 years have, but somehow, with three children in our home, I know that they will bring a fullness that we have yet to discover. Along the way, there have been many times where complete brokenness seemed inevitable, and yet, we navigated trials together, and, often, our marriage came out stronger as a result of having to endure them.

There are many things that I love about Brandon. But I have to say that my favorite thing is that he is my best friend in the whole world. He sees the worst of me (including my hair first thing in the morning), and still stays. He lets me tease him and understands that sarcasm is often how I show someone that I love them. He encourages me, laughs with me, and takes the time to explain politics to me even though he knows there isn't much space in my brain to hear it. Conversely, he lets me talk through things 1,000 times, knowing that I need to process out loud (even when he doesn't have space in his brain to hear it). He does the dishes before sitting down to watch TV because he knows dishes in the sink make me crazy. He tolerates my intolerance of all things technical, and he knows that, chances are, I won't have my cell phone with me...but he still calls.

He is an AMAZING father to our children...my prayer for our daughters is that they find a man as wonderful as their Daddy is to marry someday...and that our son learns, through the example that Brandon is, of what it means to lead a family as a Godly husband. We've navigated so many things together...as husband and wife....but also as two people who genuinely LIKE each other. When I am with him, I have a strong sense that everything is going to be okay, which has been a gift to me over and over again in our marriage.

I look at our wedding pictures and think about how wonderful that day was, but I also have to think how naive we were at that time in our lives. I think "if we had known then what we know now..."

I am happy to say, even if we had known then what we know now, it wouldn't have changed a thing.

Thanks, Brandon James.

Two are better than one,

because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down, his friend can help him up.

But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.

But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Is It Christmas Yet?!?!?!

We had a great Thanksgiving. It was the first Thanksgiving in our ten years of marriage that we weren't either travelling or having company. Now, no offense to our family that we travel to see or host here at our home, but it was HEAVENLY to have a low-key holiday. We did drive to Baldwin City for Thanksgiving Day, where we obligingly ate way too much at Dad and Lori's (and had a great time doing it), but the rest of the weekend was "just us" family time...and involved A LOT of Mario Kart playing on the Wii.

Thank you to those of you who have been praying for us since our last post. Your prayers are making a difference and our spirits are lifting as a result of your kindness. Your continued support through prayer means so much!

Part of our Thanksgiving weekend involved pulling out the Christmas decorations. The kids thought this meant that Christmas was the next day...so it has been interesting to tell them, on almost a daily basis, that Christmas is still a little ways away. I love a child's enthusiasm for this time of year.

We were standing in the kitchen the other night getting ready for dinner. Connor asked THE QUESTION point blank..."Is Santa really even REAL, Mom?" I froze.

Some background...certain family members (who shall remain nameless) have given us some good natured trash for fostering the belief in our house that Santa is real. Santa was a big part of my family's Christmas growing up, and the year I found out that he didn't actually exist was DEVASTATING for me (it was the Christmas of my third grade year...I remember it like it was yesterday). So, I have allowed our children to participate in the "Santa rituals" that surround Christmas because it brought me so much joy as a child. What's the harm?

Anyway...back to the story....

Brandon and I looked at each other. We both smiled. We had talked previously about how this exact moment was going to happen anytime. I looked at Connor and then said "Daddy, what do you think?" Brandon said "No, Buddy. He isn't real." Connor smiled...like he had decoded a big mystery.

That night, as I tucked him into bed, I explained to Connor that Santa was just something fun...and that he should be careful about saying he wasn't real, because some children (including his sister) still believe in him. He asked "Then where do the Santa presents come from?" I shared that they came from Mommy and Daddy, secretly gleeful that at long last, we, not Santa, would receive credit for the REALLY cool Christmas presents he has been given over the years. ;) He smiled at me again.

While I completely understand that Jesus, not Santa, is the center of our season, having some good-natured holiday fun with the guy in the red suit has always been special (we throw out reindeer food and the whole bit). This is another sign that our little man is growing up...

Thank goodness the tooth fairy is real, right?

Missing Our Son

Today my heart has been heavy. So tonight, in a rare quiet moment, I turn to the computer to try to peck out how I am feeling, just as I did in the days when our grief and doubt weighed so heavily on us....as we anticipated Caden's birth and then grieved that he would no longer be here with us.

Today was my Mom's birthday. She would have been 55 years old. While it is typical for me to be a little down on this day, I have noticed that as the leaves fall from the trees and the holidays approach, my spirits have been a little low. I think it is because I am missing Caden.

It is such a strange paradox...to celebrate Hadley's first holidays and watch Connor and Kylee anticipate them as well...and yet, to feel such incredible sadness because one of us is missing. As is typical with grief, there are times that are just hard...and this month has been one of them for me.

Both Brandon and I have found ourselves looking at pictures of Caden independently of each other today. While I express only my own feelings, I imagine he is hurting in much the same way. The hurt never leaves.

I feel a profound sadness for those who I know are spending their first set of holidays without their baby...those who have endured losses this year...wounds so fresh, tears so wet, unsure of what to expect but knowing that they are about to tackle several "firsts" that no parent ever wants to take on. My prayers are with them...some whose names I know, and others I don't. May peace find them wherever they are.

The music from this time of year tends to make me extra emotional as well. The songs about Mary carrying the baby Jesus hit me hard. As I was listening to some Christian music this week, I realized that I have had the priviledge of carrying an angel in my womb. What a sacred moment that was for me. How I long to hold my angel. To feel his soft skin against mine...to shower him with kisses and I love you's...to wipe his little bottom, to hear his funny noises....to marvel at his growth and accomplishments.

Tonight, as I think about our precious Caden, I envision him with tiny angel wings along with his beautiful red hair...looking peaceful and contented. I hope he knows how much we love him. Thank you, Lord, for giving our special angel to us. We know his purpose in Your kingdom is far beyond what us mere mortals can comprehend.

Hadley is stirring in the swing, signaling that it is time for eating and cuddling. God is so good.

The Biggest Closer

Last month, Brandon participated in a "contest" at work. The idea was that he and his colleagues were to record each "task" that they completed. Tasks were basically things that they do as a part of their daily work...and each was assigned a certain point value. At the end of each week and then at the end of the month, whoever had the most points won.

Now, if you're smart, you recognize that this was not simply a "let's give credit where credit is due" sort of deal (it never is in corporate America). Rather, it was a way to track employees' productivity in a time where everyone is being asked to justify their existence within the company. Sneaky. I joked and asked when they were going to formally put up the sticker chart.

My husband is a very hard worker. He won the contest overall, earning him the title of "The Biggest Closer". His title was printed across the red sash he was awarded.

My husband is also a very good sport. While most people would have gone running the other direction when the red sash came out (and certainly would have picked up the pace at first sight of a camera), Brandon put it on and even continued to pose for a picture (note the pink gift bag as well, adding that extra touch of masculinity to what could otherwise be perceived as pagentry...hee hee!). He was then a bit dismayed when his co-workers blew up the photo into an 8 X10 and posted it at the office. But I ask, who could resist it?

After I finished giggling at the picture, I warned him that it would appear on the blog.

As the winner of the contest, Brandon is going to be the proud recipient of a stadium blanket. He assures me that the stadium blanket will be nice enough to make wearing the sash worth it.

Brandon makes me smile for so many reasons....not the least of which is his ability to make a red sash and a pink gift bag look good together. :)

More Fall Fun

I begin this post with pictures of our front porch. A colleague of mine, Katie, has a flair for decorating. I asked her to make my porch look cute for fall. Seeing everyone with adorable scarecrows and mums and pumpkins on their porch made me feel like sprucing up our place, but as you can imagine, time to browse the aisles at the stores for cute, budget friendly decorations is not a luxury I have right now. Katie came to the rescue!! The kids lent a helping hand and within seconds, our porch looked really cute. I told her she should go into business.

As promised, here are pictures of Kylee's fall party at school. The first if of her whole class, and the second is, of course, of Hadley. I had her dressed in a "My Little Pumpkin" Halloween ensemble complete with a hat. It cracked me up. The last photo is of Kylee with the special pony she made to "ride" in between stations at the party, along with her cylinder for holding treats and prizes from each stop.

Can you tell these two are related?


The kids still love to hold Hadley. She is generally very tolerant, but sometimes, enough is ENOUGH. What I love about this picture is that Kylee was intent on me capturing this moment of her with baby sister, so she is still posing and leaning in to kiss Hadley despite the screaming.

Every morning when Brandon or I bring her downstairs, she is greated with a chorus of "Hi, Hadley!" when brother and sister see her. Watching our three children together is such a gift. Even in the moments where Hadley has had it. :)

Halloween Happenings

Last week was a fun week filled with lots of fall festivities!

Both kids had their fall parties at school and Hadley and I were able to attend both events...the pics from Kylee's party are on my phone (I will share those later), but here are a few shots of Connor's party:

Hanging with buddy Jalen:

Decorating a pumpkin:

Decorating (and then devouring) a cookie:

Connor and Kylee were SO excited for Halloween this year. As you can see, we had a Clone Trooper, Sleeping Beauty, and a little Pumpkin at our house. I think the older two (especially Kylee) were perhaps more excited about seeing Hadley dressed up then they were about their own costumes. :)

We hit two trunk or treats, trick-or-treated around the Square, and then did a little candy-hunting around the neighborhood. We had a blast and the weather was gorgeous! Here are our pre-trick-or-treating photos:

After collecting enough candy to fill two HUGE bowls, Connor and Kylee collapsed on the floor in sugar-induced comas. It was a great holiday!

Precious

Life As We Know It...

Kylee created this very special picture of her body (complete with lungs, heart, and intestines) at school. As a nurse, I have a true appreciation for this artwork (and, of course, the abnormally large head that houses her brain).

Connor tested for his orange belt at karate. He did a bow kata in addition to an open hand kata and did a great job! These are a couple pics of his last moments as a yellow belt right before his test. :)

A few weeks ago, Connor decided that he'd like to explore riding the bus to school. This was a huge relief to me because, as I've mentioned in a previous post, pick-up time from school coincides perfectly with Hadley's naptime. So, Kylee and I would listen to Hadley scream at the top of her lungs for 30 minutes in the car rider line while waiting for Connor. The bus is a great option. With the stop being about a block from our front door, Connor can easily walk to and from the bus. He still lets me walk him there in the morning, but walks home with the other neighborhood kids in the afternoon. Here he is waiting for the bus with our neighbor, Renae, and boarding the bus to head to school.

And we end with Miss Hadley, sitting in her stroller, looking adorable. I LOVE the blue flower. :)

Haddie Chat

Our baby girl turned 3 months old last week!

Hadley's latest trick is being quite conversational...she gets lots of encouragement for all of her cooing from big brother and sister (and, let's face it, Mommy and Daddy, too). Brandon caught a bit of it on tape, so we thought we'd let you all see first hand what she's up to:

What a joy our littlest blessing is! :)

Caden's Cubs Update

Hello!

It's been awhile since we've shared what's happening with Caden's Cubs, so I thought I would take a minute to update you all. We have been blessed by our friends and family with some generous donations recently, which allowed us to purchase our first sizable batch of Build-A-Bear giftcards. This is great because when we hear of a family that can utilize Caden's Cubs, we can now send them a giftcard from our batch on hand within a couple days rather than ordering the cards individually and having to wait several days for them to come in the mail.

In the last month, we have been able to provide giftcards for about 10 children. This is exciting, yet disheartening, for us. Each family's story touches our souls, and we are so grateful to be able to do something to let them know that even strangers are praying for them and their babies.

Our goals over the next few months include getting ourselves set up with some notecards, address labels, and perhaps even some informational pamphlets to be sent out to the families we give cards to. Right now, we are using generic cards to send things out in, and we think it would be wonderful to be able to use cards and address labels with the Caden's Cubs logo on them when we mail giftcards. It is our hope that eventually, information about Caden's Cubs can be given to families in the hospital so that they can contact us if they are interested in making a bear in honor of their little one. That is a big vision. We'll see where the road takes us.

Some have asked how much money it takes to create one bear. Right now, the cost per child is about $25. Build-A-Bear has given us a discount, so we will be able to provide $30 giftcards for a cost of $25. This is, generally speaking, enough for a stuffed animal and an outfit at Build-A-Bear.

We continue to accept direct referrals. If you know of a family who could benefit from this experience, please let us know. All you need to do is provide us with the names of their children and their mailing address and we take care of the rest. Of course, we always love to hear a little of their own personal story...we feel a connection to all these families.

Before I sign off, I want to say a special thank you to Spencer and Steph. Your gift will be a true blessing to us and we thank you from the bottom of our hearts for helping us further our ministry. We are truly humbled.

To all of you that have contributed or will contribute in the future, we want you to know how blessed we feel by your generosity. Each giftcard we send is a piece of healing for us...and also brings healing and joy to a child who needs something to cuddle while remembering a precious angel.

Tooth Fairy Madness!

We're keeping the tooth fairy busy around here! Connor just lost his second front tooth. The tooth fairy left him $1.00 for his pearly white.

With Connor's first front tooth loss, he dutifully put the tooth under his pillow. The next morning, I came downstairs to find him sitting on the couch looking like a lost puppy dog. My heart dropped to my stomach when I saw that he had his tooth sitting beside him. He looked at me, quite sadly, and said, "Mommy, the tooth fairy didn't come!". If only he knew that the tooth fairy was trying to adjust to life with a newborn in the house!

I dialed Brandon and said "I just want you to know that we stink as parents". We brainstormed, and decided to try explaining that perhaps the tooth fairy was just too busy to stop by. I was ready to just confess that the whole thing was make-believe (I was also ready to give the kid $5.00 for his tooth because I felt so guilty. We dismissed this idea because of the dangerous precedent it would set.). Before we had offered an explanation, Connor said "Maybe the tooth fairy just didn't take my tooth because it was in an envelope instead of a napkin". We latched onto that one and decided that must have been the reason she didn't stop by.

The next night, we placed the tooth under Connor's pillow in a napkin. At 3:00 in the morning, as I was feeding Hadley, I had a moment of all out panic when I realized that once again, we had gone to bed without taking Connor's tooth. I woke Brandon out of a dead sleep. He looked at me, panicked, thinking something was really wrong. I said "Did you do something with the tooth?"

"Yes."

My heart slowed a bit.

The next morning, Connor was thrilled to see a note in the shape of a tooth under his pillow, along with an award of $2.00 for his patience.

Sleep deprivation can be quite costly, folks. :)

Haddie Lou

As I have mentioned before, Amanda came over and snapped some pictures of our family fairly soon after we brought Hadley home from the hospital. I believe Hadley was about 3 weeks old in these pictures. I had to share them with you....

This one is my absolute favorite, for many reasons. As you can see, my necklace has the names of all four kids on it. It means so much to me to be able to incorporate ALL our kiddos into one photo. I also love Hadley's face...pure, innocent...and a little chubby. Lastly, the word "blessed" was a perfect choice. We are so very blessed, not just by Hadley, but by Connor, Kylee, and Caden, too. We are amazed at God's goodness and how He has brought us through such a journey of pain and heartache, and is now restoring us daily with healing only He can provide. This photo, to me, symbolizes what is truly important in this world....and serves as a reminder that God is faithful...even in life's darkest times.

Hugs and kisses from Mom and Dad:

And, of course, brother and sister, too:

Tiny toes...

Precious...

Our girl is doing well. She had her two month appointment at the Pediatrician yesterday and weighed in at 10 lbs. 10 oz. I am not too proud to admit that was good affirmation for me after the hours and hours I have spent breastfeeding. :) Despite being a Nurse who has given MANY shots to other people's children, I still cried when Hadley got her shots. She has done well, though, and I am grateful to have one round down.

Hadley's new tricks include noticing the contrast between dark and light, and, just this week, she has started recognizing faces (big smiles for brother and sister...little smiles for Mom and Dad). She is a noisy one (Daddy has nicknamed her Hootie) and is constantly "hooting" as she eats and sleeps (someone remarked one time as I was feeding her under a blanket "It sounds like there's a flock of geese under there!"). At night, she will sleep for a 4-5 hour stretch, and continues to do well at settling back in after eating...so really, no complaints there.

She is pretty tolerant, as it is rare for her to get a full nap between all the drop offs and pick ups that we do for big brother and sister. Sometimes we do the drop-offs with her screaming at the top of her lungs...I can empathsize...I'm cranky, too, when my sleep gets interrupted. She's not a big fan of the carseat, which makes life pretty interesting. Connor and Kylee are great binky helpers as we're riding around. :) They continue to love having Hadley around and haven't yet requested that we send her back.

It is crazy to believe that just two months ago, she was in my belly. I still spend quite a bit of time just watching her...and being amazed that God has allowed us to have her as a part of our family.

Love you, Baby Girl!

We Have a 5 Year Old, Folks!

Miss Kylee J turned 5 on September 9th.

Kylee requested a "Pinkalicious Party" to celebrate her special day. She also really wanted to invite Cinderella, who she had met at a friend's birthday party. So, we had perhaps the world's first Pinkalicious Cinderella birthday. Kylee always has very original, yet very precise, ideas about her birthday parties. We have really come to love her creativity with event planning.

Kylee and her friends had a great time with Cinderella (who, when she isn't making social calls, is a teacher in the local school district).

Cinderella helped the party crowd make royal crowns. She and Kylee created one especially for Brandon.

Kylee and her party guests outside having bubble time with Cinderella. Notice the wardrobe theme?

Instead of a birthday cake, Kylee wanted cotton candy (pink, of course). So, the kids enjoyed cotton candy with their pink lemonade as a snack. Kylee very specifically requested that we NOT sing Happy Birthday to her. For some reason, it overwhelms her. So, we left that part out of the celebration.

Cinderella helped Kylee open a few presents before she had to leave:

It was a very special day for our little princess.

Kylee is such a blessing to us in so many ways. Her passion for life is contagious...and this girl's smile will light up a room like no one else's will. She works hard to succeed at everything that she does and is fiercely loyal to her family (she is the only one entitled to pick on her big brother). She lives life to its fullest and inspires us to do the same. We are blessed to have her with us.

Best wishes for many, many more, Miss J!

Back To School...

It's crazy that we are in the midst of our third week of school. Where does the time go (interesting how time takes on a whole new dimension when days and nights essentially mesh into one). :)

Connor and Kylee have really enjoyed school so far this year. They both have great teachers, Mrs. Hodge (Connor) and Ms. Pam (Kylee). We have heard great things about Mrs. Hodge, and Kylee was in Ms. Pam's class last year, so we are excited to be back with her. Kylee is now in the Pre-K class, which means she goes to school all day and even gets to "eat lunch and take a rest" before I pick her up. She is excited to be in the big leagues. Our big first grader, Connor, was a little less enthused about school starting, but has adjusted well to the routine.

The first day of school pictures have become tradition around our house. Both of the kids had new outfits from Grandma and Grandpa Carlson. They were excited to put on their new school gear, too...Princesses and GI Joe. I'm not sure what the wave is all about, but it was essential...whatever the purpose was.

Here are the kids outside their classrooms, and by their cubbies:

Both of the kids have several of their friends from last year in their class, which is great. They both settled right in as we prepared to say goodbye:

The first day of school this year went much more smoothly than it did last year. I remember walking away from dropping Connor off at his first day of kindergarten and being consumed with sadness because both of our kids were in school and I had no baby at home with me. I was supposed to be pushing a stroller down the sidewalk when I walked away....this year, walking away with a carseat in tow reminded me of God's faithfulness and goodness. Two kids in school, blessed to have good teachers and great friends...a wonderful summer filled with lots of fun...and a new little pink bundle to cuddle with.

Life is good.