Missing Our Son

Today my heart has been heavy. So tonight, in a rare quiet moment, I turn to the computer to try to peck out how I am feeling, just as I did in the days when our grief and doubt weighed so heavily on us....as we anticipated Caden's birth and then grieved that he would no longer be here with us.

Today was my Mom's birthday. She would have been 55 years old. While it is typical for me to be a little down on this day, I have noticed that as the leaves fall from the trees and the holidays approach, my spirits have been a little low. I think it is because I am missing Caden.

It is such a strange paradox...to celebrate Hadley's first holidays and watch Connor and Kylee anticipate them as well...and yet, to feel such incredible sadness because one of us is missing. As is typical with grief, there are times that are just hard...and this month has been one of them for me.

Both Brandon and I have found ourselves looking at pictures of Caden independently of each other today. While I express only my own feelings, I imagine he is hurting in much the same way. The hurt never leaves.

I feel a profound sadness for those who I know are spending their first set of holidays without their baby...those who have endured losses this year...wounds so fresh, tears so wet, unsure of what to expect but knowing that they are about to tackle several "firsts" that no parent ever wants to take on. My prayers are with them...some whose names I know, and others I don't. May peace find them wherever they are.

The music from this time of year tends to make me extra emotional as well. The songs about Mary carrying the baby Jesus hit me hard. As I was listening to some Christian music this week, I realized that I have had the priviledge of carrying an angel in my womb. What a sacred moment that was for me. How I long to hold my angel. To feel his soft skin against mine...to shower him with kisses and I love you's...to wipe his little bottom, to hear his funny noises....to marvel at his growth and accomplishments.

Tonight, as I think about our precious Caden, I envision him with tiny angel wings along with his beautiful red hair...looking peaceful and contented. I hope he knows how much we love him. Thank you, Lord, for giving our special angel to us. We know his purpose in Your kingdom is far beyond what us mere mortals can comprehend.

Hadley is stirring in the swing, signaling that it is time for eating and cuddling. God is so good.

The Biggest Closer

Last month, Brandon participated in a "contest" at work. The idea was that he and his colleagues were to record each "task" that they completed. Tasks were basically things that they do as a part of their daily work...and each was assigned a certain point value. At the end of each week and then at the end of the month, whoever had the most points won.

Now, if you're smart, you recognize that this was not simply a "let's give credit where credit is due" sort of deal (it never is in corporate America). Rather, it was a way to track employees' productivity in a time where everyone is being asked to justify their existence within the company. Sneaky. I joked and asked when they were going to formally put up the sticker chart.

My husband is a very hard worker. He won the contest overall, earning him the title of "The Biggest Closer". His title was printed across the red sash he was awarded.

My husband is also a very good sport. While most people would have gone running the other direction when the red sash came out (and certainly would have picked up the pace at first sight of a camera), Brandon put it on and even continued to pose for a picture (note the pink gift bag as well, adding that extra touch of masculinity to what could otherwise be perceived as pagentry...hee hee!). He was then a bit dismayed when his co-workers blew up the photo into an 8 X10 and posted it at the office. But I ask, who could resist it?

After I finished giggling at the picture, I warned him that it would appear on the blog.

As the winner of the contest, Brandon is going to be the proud recipient of a stadium blanket. He assures me that the stadium blanket will be nice enough to make wearing the sash worth it.

Brandon makes me smile for so many reasons....not the least of which is his ability to make a red sash and a pink gift bag look good together. :)

More Fall Fun

I begin this post with pictures of our front porch. A colleague of mine, Katie, has a flair for decorating. I asked her to make my porch look cute for fall. Seeing everyone with adorable scarecrows and mums and pumpkins on their porch made me feel like sprucing up our place, but as you can imagine, time to browse the aisles at the stores for cute, budget friendly decorations is not a luxury I have right now. Katie came to the rescue!! The kids lent a helping hand and within seconds, our porch looked really cute. I told her she should go into business.

As promised, here are pictures of Kylee's fall party at school. The first if of her whole class, and the second is, of course, of Hadley. I had her dressed in a "My Little Pumpkin" Halloween ensemble complete with a hat. It cracked me up. The last photo is of Kylee with the special pony she made to "ride" in between stations at the party, along with her cylinder for holding treats and prizes from each stop.

Can you tell these two are related?


The kids still love to hold Hadley. She is generally very tolerant, but sometimes, enough is ENOUGH. What I love about this picture is that Kylee was intent on me capturing this moment of her with baby sister, so she is still posing and leaning in to kiss Hadley despite the screaming.

Every morning when Brandon or I bring her downstairs, she is greated with a chorus of "Hi, Hadley!" when brother and sister see her. Watching our three children together is such a gift. Even in the moments where Hadley has had it. :)

Halloween Happenings

Last week was a fun week filled with lots of fall festivities!

Both kids had their fall parties at school and Hadley and I were able to attend both events...the pics from Kylee's party are on my phone (I will share those later), but here are a few shots of Connor's party:

Hanging with buddy Jalen:

Decorating a pumpkin:

Decorating (and then devouring) a cookie:

Connor and Kylee were SO excited for Halloween this year. As you can see, we had a Clone Trooper, Sleeping Beauty, and a little Pumpkin at our house. I think the older two (especially Kylee) were perhaps more excited about seeing Hadley dressed up then they were about their own costumes. :)

We hit two trunk or treats, trick-or-treated around the Square, and then did a little candy-hunting around the neighborhood. We had a blast and the weather was gorgeous! Here are our pre-trick-or-treating photos:

After collecting enough candy to fill two HUGE bowls, Connor and Kylee collapsed on the floor in sugar-induced comas. It was a great holiday!

Precious