Reflections on Three Decades, Part III

And for the grand finale...this one is lengthy, so grab a cup of coffee and settle in! :)

1997-Present (ages 20-30)

1.) In the spring of 1997, at the age of 20, I had the privilege of studying abroad for a semester at Harlaxton College in Grantham, England. My classmate Maggie Dunlap and I boarded a plane in early January and took off for England. For four months, I lived in a HUGE castle, complete with ornate gold ceilings and gorgeous stone turrets. During my time abroad, I visited several countries, including Italy, Ireland, France, Scotland, Austria, and Germany. It was unreal. I continued my Nursing studies there and got a unique glimpse into what free national healthcare looks like (suffice it to say that I am very thankful I live in the USA). My mother, brother, and sister came to visit me in March and we had an incredible time together touring London and Ireland. I made wonderful friends (hello, Robyn, AJ, Matt, and Cyndi!) and a lifetime of memories. Lesson: There is so much rich history in this world that Americans are totally ignorant about. Secondary lesson: I LOVE Heinz ketchup and Hidden Valley Ranch, which I lived without during my time in England (never fear, I managed to console myself with large doses of Cadbury hot chocolate from the Harlaxton cafeteria). Accomplishment: I learned how to navigate, emotionally and geographically, almost anywhere. There’s nothing like being a single woman in several different foreign countries to teach you self-sufficiency and instill in you an amazing sense of confidence.

2.) While I was in England, Brandon came over for a week-long visit over my birthday. During his stay in the castle’s guest quarters, he proposed to me. It was a very beautiful moment. Surprise ending: I said “yes”. Lesson: Under no circumstances should anyone be engaged for almost two years like we were. Engagement is only fun for about 4 months, if that. However, getting engaged in a beautiful castle in England was totally worth having to be engaged as long as we were. Brandon couldn't pass that romantic opportunity up! Accomplishment: Choosing to spend the rest of my life with an amazing man. Even bigger accomplishment: Having him choose me.

3.) In the spring of 1999, I took a road trip with my college girlfriends down to Alabama. We stayed with one of my friend’s (the aforementioned Heather) parents. A little bit of background: These girls and I had been roommates in a three-bedroom duplex located at the infamous 510 Spring Avenue. For one year, Heather, Dana, Jennifer, and I laughed, cried, stressed, relaxed, slept, pulled all-nighters, and celebrated together. We celebrated holidays, prayed with each other through hard times, took turns cooking meals, and were religious about paying the bills on time. It was our first experience with “real world” living, and I can’t imagine sharing it with anyone else. God knew that we needed each other at this important time in our lives (our senior year of college), and that we would need each other in the years to come. Girls, I love you. Anyway…we decided to celebrate the end of our college careers with a trip to the beach. It was FANTASTIC. We loaded up Heather’s CRV and drove several hours to the Falk Ranch down in Alabama, where we ate like queens, slept late, and got to go out boating. Lesson: There simply is no substitute for good girlfriends. Accomplishment: I believe that in some form, this is the last time that I was FULLY joyful.

4.) Now, that last statement may sound brutal, but let me explain. I graduated from college on May 9, 1999. My family and friends attended my nursing pinning ceremony, followed by William Jewell’s graduation. I MADE IT! I was graduating with my Bachelor’s of Science in Nursing. That evening, my Mom delivered devastating news to me. She had been diagnosed with terminal cancer in February and had been told that she wouldn’t even live to see me graduate. She hadn’t told ANYONE in our family because she didn’t want me to quit school and move home. I will never forget hearing her story as we sat together in a room at the Fairfield Inn in Liberty. What started as a day of celebration ended in complete heartache. This began the worst month of my life. I went back to the duplex, packed up my things, and drove to Lindsborg to be with my Mom.

5.) On June 9, 1999, my mother went to be with Jesus. The month prior to her passing was unreal. For the first couple weeks after I moved home, she did okay. We sought answers: I met with her doctors, we went to appointments, she had a blood transfusion. She and I flew down to New Mexico together to try to get some help with a specialist in alternative medicine. But the decline in her health was rapid. Mom refused to go to the hospital, so we provided 24-hour care for her at home. After two weeks, she could no longer walk and required assistance with bathing. Three weeks after that, she no longer spoke coherently, she couldn’t eat without throwing up, and her eyes lost their sparkle. The pain from the 12-pound tumor in her abdomen was so unbearable that she couldn’t lie down, so she didn’t sleep. The day that her legs were so swollen we could no longer get pants on her was devastating for all of us. My Mom was one of the strongest, proudest women I know, and to watch her lose her independence was incredibly difficult for us all. Her dearest friends all took turns coming to Lindsborg to say their goodbyes, and although Mom would never speak with me about it, she told them how she wanted her funeral to be. Hospice was called. I will never forget the moment I realized that Mom wasn’t going to get better—just a few days before she died. It was hope that had sustained me through the endless days, nights, and hours of worry and helplessness. I woke up on the morning of June 9th and got report from Chris Brady, her friend who had been on the “night shift”. He said that in the middle of the night, her breathing had changed. My education in nursing school had taught me what this meant. I knew the end was near. I went down to be with her and called my family, most of who were not far away. My sister began the drive from Lawrence, Kansas, where she was attending school. Sadly, she wouldn’t make it home in time. I sat with my mom and watched the color slowly drain from her face. She breathed her last breath around 1:15 pm and I was there, holding her hand, telling her that I loved her. It was the most painful, and yet one of the most incredible moments of my life. Lesson: Love your family and treasure every moment you have with them. Give lots of extra hugs and “I love you’s”. I learned a lot about what is truly important in this world, and folks, it isn’t money, what kind of car you drive, or how big your house is. Accomplishment: I had the greatest Mom EVER. And, I got to be there with her when she left this world. I hope and pray that I can continue to honor her with my daily life.

6.) After my Mom’s death, life slowly resumed. In May, I had moved into my first home in Liberty, and in July, I started work on the Hematology/Oncology floor at KU Medical Center. In August, I passed my licensing exam, which meant I was officially a Registered Nurse. Caring for cancer patients right after losing my Mom was incredibly difficult, but also very healing for me. I learned that I was not alone in dealing with cancer, which was very comforting. I fell in love with Nursing. However, given all of my experiences, I only lasted at KU for about a year before realizing that I needed to get away from cancer for awhile. My experience there was a marvelous education. I learned what REAL nursing was all about, and although it wasn’t glamorous, it was my mission field. Lesson: Caring for others is a great way to work through your own pain. However, grief is a strange thing and you need to be allowed to feel it in your OWN way in your OWN time. Accomplishment: I became a dang good nurse. There wasn’t a skill I didn’t use during my time on Unit 42. I realized that I had DEFINITELY made the right choice for my profession.

7.) In the summer of 1999, Brandon and I decided that maybe we should set a wedding date. So, December 18, 1999 it was. We had a Christmas wedding and it was fantastic. The wait was finally over. I look back on our wedding pictures now and realize how blind we were going into it—even after almost 6 years of dating and several years more of friendship. We used a passage in Ecclesiastes for our wedding—Chapter 4 verses 9-12: ”…A cord of three strands is not quickly broken”. How cool it is that God led us to that verse because it has certainly been a theme in our marriage. Lesson: The wedding is just the beginning. Accomplishment: Getting through the wedding led to an incredible honeymoon in Hawaii (during which I wore my first and last bikini—also a notable accomplishment in my book).
Additional commentary: Our first years of marriage were filled with adventure. Brandon started work in the IT field and I continued working as a nurse and eventually went back to school. We traveled, went to the movies, and ate out often. Ah, the simple pleasures of days gone by!! Lesson: Enjoy these newlywed moments. After having children, even a trip to Target seems like a cross-country trek, and spending $20 on a night at the movies is a crazy indulgence (after all, you could buy a package of diapers with that money!). Accomplishment: Learning how to be a wife. After studying Proverbs 31 in college, I didn’t know for sure how this was going to work out for me (especially given that I wasn’t a morning person and therefore certainly wasn’t going to be up sewing clothes for my family at dawn). Brandon and I learned that we worked well together as a team and I learned that being a good wife is one of God’s highest callings, and isn't as easy as some folks make it look.

8.) In August 2002, I graduated from the KU School of Nursing with my Master’s Degree. I knew that I wanted to create more options for myself in my field, and although I had no idea what I would use it for, Brandon and I decided that getting my advanced degree was good insurance for our future. It turns out that was a smart move…I started teaching at William Jewell College in the fall of 2002, where I remain today and have found my niche. Being able to teach future nurses is my passion, and I feel blessed to have a part in building Nursing’s future. But wait! Let’s back track a bit…

9.) On June 13, 2002, I became a Mommy. Connor James Carlson emerged into the world after 12 incredibly long hours of labor and a 41-week pregnancy (please note that this was ONE FULL WEEK longer than it was supposed to be—those of you who have watched your due date come and go know what kind of craziness this induced within me). Words can’t describe the joy Connor has brought into my life. This little blonde angel stole our hearts from moment one. My desire to be a mother was so strong, and holding our son for the first time was the fulfillment of so many of my dreams (trying to learn how to breastfeed effectively, however, was not). Watching Connor learn and grow has simply been one of the greatest gifts God gives me on a daily basis. Watching my husband be a father is another one of God’s gifts to me. Lesson: God is completely amazing. I only hope I can teach Connor as much about Jesus as he has taught me. Accomplishment: Being entrusted with a young person’s life is the highest calling of them all. No question.

10.) I end with Kylee Jordan Carlson, who arrived on September 9, 2004. Now, I am not going to lie. When we found out we were having a daughter, I was completely mortified. I had no idea what to do with a GIRL!!! Plus, I knew that having a daughter would force me, in a way different than Connor had, to relieve some very special memories of my own mother, which scared me, because I wasn’t sure how that would feel (not that those memories were bad, I just didn’t know if I would be thrown into some kind of depression as I tried to raise my daughter without my own mother around). I spent the last month of my pregnancy crying about my inadequacies as a mother of a girl and thinking for sure that God was making a big mistake. I was wrong. The minute the nurse put little Kylee in my arms, I felt a sense of completeness that I had never felt before. Our little redhead makes us laugh and helps us see the world from an entirely different viewpoint. Her honesty, compassion, spunkiness, and utter determination remind me of my Mom, and maybe a little bit of myself. Watching her diapered little bottom run across the room with her wispy toddler mullet hair flowing behind her is incredible. Her smile, complete with one dimple on her right cheek, is priceless. I am filled with love and gratitude. Lesson: God really does know exactly what we need. There is no greater gift than a healthy, happy child. Accomplishment: Surviving the adjustment to two children (this is, I believe, still in progress for me as we enter new stages each day and I struggle to know just how a 2 and 4 year old can know exactly which buttons to push to make my head explode).

There you have it, folks. As I turn 30 today, it strikes me that I am totally, completely blessed. Thanks for reading.

Here’s to hoping that my next 30 years are filled with even more incredible experiences, surrounded by a loving family and lots of good friends. I look forward to watching my children grow, holding hands with my husband, and helping to make the world a better place with the gifts God has given me.