It's Been Awhile...

Good Afternoon!

The month of May has flown by here at the Carlson house. We have been busy with end of the school year activities, work, karate, and life in general. It has been great, but we are so glad it's SUMMER!

May got off to an exciting start for our family as we shared Caden's Cubs with the children at our church, North Star. The children collect an offering each month for a ministry of some kind, and they asked us if they could collect for Caden's Cubs for the months of May and June. We were honored and humbled to be asked, and of course, said "yes!". We were recently blessed to have a logo created for Caden's Cubs through a woman that works with Alexandra's House (see below), so it was fun to debut that in addition to sharing our mission with the youth of the church. Connor and Kylee shared Sparkles and Carl, and we set up the children's altar using some of our Build-A-Bear creations. So far, the children have already collected enough money for one bear. It is so exciting!

A little bit about the logo. You will see a bear (our symbol for Caden) sitting on an alphabet block. It was important to us that we incorporated all of our children into the logo, so you see the first letter for all of their names on the block. "C" for Connor, "K" for Kylee, and "H" for our newest addition, whom we've decided to name Hadley. Hadley Louise (my middle name). It is wonderful for us to have a symbol for our ministry that includes all four of our little ones.

Speaking of Miss Hadley, she is right on target with her growth, and they are now saying I am due around July 28th. We will most likely schedule an induction about a week before that, so we will be meeting our baby girl in just over 2 months. We are beginning to wash up clothes, and I almost cry each and every time I smell the sweet aroma of the baby detergent. I bought our first pack of diapers a couple weeks ago and almost had a meltdown of joy right there in Target. It's the little things that make me realize how truly blessed we are and we continue to pray, daily, for Hadley's health and continued development.

Now, back to activities of the children outside my womb....

We had our annual family night at Worlds of Fun courtesy of Brandon's company, DST. It was interesting this year because Connor is certainly outgrowing Camp Snoopy as you can tell by his sheer enthusiasm for the train in the picture below. He did, however, venture out and try bumper cars and some other rides that were considerably more fun for him.

The month of May also held a walk to the park for Kylee's preschool class:

Connor's class took a trip to Kaleidoscope at Crown Center here in Kansas City. Brandon had his name drawn out of the hat and was chosen to go along as a sponsor on the trip. Here's Connor playing:

Kylee and I were able to join Brandon and Connor's class for a picnic lunch at Penguin Park after the morning's festivities. It was a fun day!

In the middle of the month, Brandon travelled to Springfield, Illinois for a weekend to test for his black belt in karate. He was successful in achieving his goal, so he is now a certifiable member of an elite club that I know little about, but do have a great deal of respect for all the same. He trained for months to go and demonstrate his abilities, and it's impressive to watch him do his thing. The kids and I stayed at home as there wasn't much for non-karate folks to do on this particular trip, and we were excited to greet him when he returned home as an official first-degree black belt. Connor also tested here at his school and was successful in obtaining his yellow belt, so we've had all sorts of good things to celebrate on that front.

Speaking of accomplishments, Connor decided last weekend that he wanted to learn to ride his bike without training wheels. I think he got tired of our neighbor girls whizzing around him on their bikes when they all ride together. So, he and Daddy made a trip down to a nearby empty parking lot to give it a try (a cul-de-sac is tricky to navigate when one is just starting out!), and Connor took to riding sans training wheels immediately. He felt so proud and is now easily lapping all of us on evening walks as he rides and we make a (very sorry) attempt to keep up.

Caden's garden is in full bloom, so I am hopeful that I can get out there and take some pictures to share with you all. It is so wonderful to look out the kitchen window and see it each and every day.

We hope you all are enjoying your Memorial Day weekend. Stay tuned for more pictures...come back soon!

Spring is Here!

We are so happy to be seeing the sunshine, albeit occasionally, around here! The kids are getting to play outside more often, which is good for everyone's soul. :)

Spring has brought with it a flurry of activity. As the school year draws to a close, I am busy up at Jewell, and both of the kids have had several fun field trips and activities with their schools. The pace has picked up at work for Brandon, too, so we're all on our toes!

I worked all week last week, and we were fortunate to have Grandpa Carlson come and stay with us for a few days to help with the kiddos while I was away. He got to go with Kylee's class on their field trip to the firestation. One of Kylee's teachers, Miss Chris, snapped this picture of the class (our girl can be found in the middle of the back row in a purple dress):

We also attended Connor's first Kindergarten music program together. Some of the McKinney delegation drove down to join us:

Here's our big man, singing his tunes and doing the motions (front row, fifth from right):

The program was centered around going to the Zoo, so there were several great songs about different animals and the kids were supposed to dress as they would for a day at the Zoo. It was really fun to watch and Connor did a great job!

In baby news, I am now 27 weeks along. Time is moving quickly! I had an appointment this week where we did another sonogram just to make sure everything looks okay. I was thrilled to see that our baby girl is weighing in at about 2.5 lbs, is moving lots, and is developing cheeks that bear a strong resemblance to those of her siblings. My fluid levels are appropriate, and the very patient sonographer was willing to show me both of her kidneys and her bladder. Hooray!

Walking out of the appointment, I allowed myself, for one of the first times, to relax and experience true joy. Seeing that things are okay with our little girl at this point in the game gave me a sort of permission to actually envision getting to bring her home with us. It was an amazing, and overwhelming, feeling. I am dreaming of holding her, smelling her (the baby lotion type, not necessarily the poopy diaper part, although it is amazing how excited I am even about that!), listening to her quiet grunts, and feeling her precious little breath on my cheek.

I was talking to Kylee this morning, who is often in despair these days about not being a "big kid." She wants to go to Kindergarten next year in the worst way. So, we talked about how important it was going to be for her to be home with me to help with the baby. I asked her how she thought she might help. Here are her ideas:

1.) Feed her.

2.) Play with her.

3.) Make sure she's healthy.

4.) Help her eat healthy snacks.

5.) Bathe her in the sink.

6.) Dress her.

I love it that our older children now recognize the blessing that health is. What important lessons our journey with Caden has taught us!

We can't believe she'll be here in just over two months...baby girl, you are SO LOVED ALREADY!

Easter Happenings

We had a great Easter!

Our celebrating started with the Second Friends Preschool Easter Egg Hunt. Here are some pictures...

Kylee insisted on wearing her Easter dress to school on the day of the hunt. She looked pretty cute and even let me curl her hair:

The kids made their own Easter "baskets" out of milk jugs. Kylee's was a cute bunny:

Each student had a 20 egg limit. While a generous limit, Kylee was still frustrated with me for cutting her off...she had a great time "hunting"!

Kylee with the other girls in her class:

Kylee and I after the hunt:

When everyone had collected their treasures, we headed back to school to open all the Easter eggs...

It was a fun morning.

We also celebrated Easter at home, where, despite yucky cold weather, the Easter Bunny found us:

This is Connor's new "I'm too cool to let you take my picture" face:

Connor is just getting into G.I. Joe figures. We brought up a box of Brandon's old figures and it has provided hours of entertainment. The Easter Bunny brought Connor his very first G.I. Joe of his own:

Kylee found some Easter goodies, too:

I asked the kids to pose together for an Easter picture. Aren't they precious?

We finished the holiday with dinner in Baldwin City, where Grandma Lori (er, the Easter Bunny) had orchestrated a fun indoor hunt for the kids. Connor read the instructions for their scavenger hunt while the others looked on...

Easter was an emotional holiday for me this year. As I sat in the Easter service at Church, I realized how much more deeply all the references to Resurrection and heaven affect me, because I know one of our children is there waiting for us. Caden has already gotten to experience heaven's splendor, and knowing that is overwhelming at times (in a good way, of course).

This is also (aside from the anniversary of his birth) the last major holiday in the "year of firsts" that grieving people must endure. It seems incredible to me that at Easter last year, we had no idea that anything was wrong with our youngest son. My, how things change in a year.

I was also emotional because I realize that this pregnancy, with our baby girl, is a sort of "resurrection" for our family. Brandon and I have both commented on how we don't know how we would be getting through our grief process with Caden if we didn't know that we had been given another chance with this precious little one...we are so grateful for God's blessings!

Top Dog

A little over a month ago, Buster graduated from Obedience School. We share this picture so when you come to our house and he jumps all over you like a madman, you know we at least gave it the good college try. :) Here he is in his graduation cap with his instructor, Tara.

He's a great dog. Very smart. Lots of energy. He has topped out at about 40 pounds, which is just right for us.

Now that Connor knows he's going to have two little sisters, he refers to Buster as his brother. He and Buster are best buds, with Buster preferring Connor far more than any of the rest of us. Maybe it's because he senses that Connor is the only family member that can even remotely keep up with his energy level.

Congrats, Bust!

Searching for Spring...

Hello!

It is Spring Break week for the Carlson kids and we are enjoying being in "no school" mode. Today held playdates at our house for both the kids, a little too much TV time, and bedtime tonight will be later than normal. We love it! It is great to have Connor here at home with us during the day. Kylee has recently developed a fear of being "left alone", so it is a relief to have another body in the house during the day so that she doesn't have to track me constantly in an effort to avoid perceived abandonment.

We have had a bit too much winter around here! Just tonight, Kylee asked if she could blow bubbles. Our rule is that bubbles must be blown outside (we get just as many bubbles all over ourselves and the ground as we do in the air). Kylee asked if she could please blow bubbles inside since it is so cold outside. I conceded and offered to lay down a towel for her to stand on in the kitchen while she played with the soapy mix. She then said, "I'll go out on the deck". So, there she stands, in the 30 degree weather, right next to the back door (wearing a Snow White dress), blowing bubbles (somewhat in vain given the gusts of wind). Where is spring? I love our kids, though, set on enjoying the pleasures of life despite the cold and wind.

We have some blooms in Caden's garden! The daffodils are peeking up and their cheery yellow flowers have already graced our kitchen table and island. Hooray! Lilies and some of the bushes are starting to green up, too. We can't wait to see this memorial in full bloom!

We made a trip to Great Bend this weekend to clean out my Grandpa and Grandma's house. It was a tough weekend emotionally, as tensions ran a bit high with the strain of packing up so many years of memories, but it feels good to have it done. My brother, sister, and I and our families will now enjoy heirlooms from the home where we spent all of our Christmases, Thanksgivings, and many happy weekends with Grandma and Grandpa. The house continues to sit on the market and we are hopeful that a buyer will come forward soon!

Kid quotes for today...

We are sitting at the kitchen table eating dinner. Grilled cheese and tomato soup are the main course (we only eat gourmet food around here). Kylee picks up her bowl and tries to gulp her soup, which thankfully did not result in a spill, but did result in a rather sizable orange mustache.

Kylee: "Don't you like my lipstick?"

Me: "Yes, your lipstick is beautiful. How about I get you a straw for your soup?"
Note: Using a straw to slurp soup is a great trick for the kiddos that I learned from my friend Trena. It has been a lifesaver!

Connor (from across the table): "Orange is DEFINITELY not a good color for her."

Just a few minutes ago as Kylee comes in from the deck, where she has been blowing bubbles:

Kylee: "Mommy, I was outside blowing bubbles in my Snow White dress, and I am not wearing ANY underwear!"

Oh, geez. Does that make me a bad Mom?

I'd better go. :)

One Year Ago Today....

As many of you may recall, on March 30, 2008, at our 20 week ultrasound, we were told that our baby was to become an angel. Approaching this anniversary date has affected us in ways that have been somewhat unexpected. Neither Brandon or I slept well last night and we both are just feeling a bit unsettled today. I have already had two good cries this morning...and will probably have another one tonight as I remember sleeping a year ago in a lonely hospital room, uncertain of what the morning would bring. I will be overcome with gratitude that tonight, I get to sleep beside my husband, with my children in the rooms next to ours, feeling our unborn daughter kick and turn inside of me. I will be overcome with sadness that the baby I carried one year ago is not here with us.

We were unaware, on this day one year ago, of the journey that was beginning for us. We were hopeful, that with enough bedrest, hydrotherapy, and IV fluids, that our baby would be okay. Reflecting back on the experience, I think we would have been much more scared if we had known, at that time, what the next few months would hold for us as we carried a baby that we would never get to bring home. God has great wisdom in only dishing out information as we can take it, although when in the midst of a crisis, the lack of answers is perhaps the most frustrating part of the process.

We would learn what it meant to simply "get through". We would face our worst fear...saying goodbye to one of our children. We would have to explain to our children that things don't always work out they way that we want them to...and sometimes, God calls even little babies to come and live with Him. We would feel discouragement and loneliness unlike any other. We would be told, over and over again, that the right decision, in the eyes of some, was to terminate the pregnancy. And we would learn, for a fact, how much we value the life of our children....born or unborn. We would also learn what an incredible support system surrounded us, as, on this night one year ago, my family stood around my hospital bed, holding hands, saying a prayer for Brandon, Connor, Kylee, and I, and for our unborn son. It was the beginning of so many prayer circles formed on our behalf.

Incredible. And painful. Anniversaries, particularly the first ones, are so difficult. When in the midst of a difficult time, the stress of the situation causes your body to go into overdrive....in a way, almost preventing you from experiencing the emotions that would accompany the situation in a different circumstance. But months or years later, that "overdrive" sensation is gone, and you are grieving the loss in a way that is perhaps even more raw than when it actually happened. It is very healing, but also very difficult.

Today is also the nine month anniversary of the day we met Caden. I have spent time this week looking at pictures of him and can't believe how strong the longing to hold him is. His naked little body, his gorgeous red hair, his sweet little cheeks...all formed so perfectly. Seeing the love in our family's faces as they gazed down at him. It's amazing.

Baby boy, we love you more than words can express. And, as painful as the journey that began one year ago today has been, we are so thankful for the days we had with you.

You were worth all of it.

The Tooth Fairy Visits

Last Sunday, Connor lost his first tooth. It had been hanging by a thread for quite some time, and Sunday, it finally popped out. :)



Here's a picture of his toothless mouth:

On this same day, Connor was also running a fever and was not feeling very well. So, in this photo it is apparent that he just isn't into the whole "capturing the moment" thing. However, as his mother, I persisted. Who doesn't find it important to document the first "putting my tooth under my pillow for the tooth fairy" experience? He'll thank me later, I'm sure. ;)

The tooth fairy did indeed come and left Connor $1.00 for his tooth. He has since argued the EVERYONE else gets $5.00 for each lost tooth, although he is unable to site exactly who this is that has received that hefty a sum for their pearly white. Gotta love a guy for trying.

Kylee, on the other hand, wanted assurance that the tooth fairy was NOT going to come into her room. The whole notion freaked her out entirely. Although, since seeing Connor's reward, she now tells us that when she loses her first tooth (convinced it will be any day now), she's going to leave her window open so the tooth fairy can for sure get in.

We enter another phase of development....is our oldest REALLY going to turn 7 in June?

What Will You Celebrate?

We spent the last week in Florida enjoying all the spoils of Disney World. It was a great trip. As you may recall from a post I did several months ago (me whining about not being able to go to Disney after Caden was born), this vacation has been a dream of ours for some time now.

When we asked the kids where they wanted to go on vacation this year, the answer was a resounding "DISNEY!" I grumbled and groaned about financial irresponsibility, and my husband looked at me and said "Sometimes, you just need to go."

He was absolutely right. I am so thankful that we went!

Disney's theme for this year is "What Will You Celebrate?", which meshed quite well with the reasons we took our trip. We were celebrating healthy children, God's goodness to us in the midst of the most difficult year of our lives, a strong marriage, and the gift of new life. Most of all, we were celebrating being together, away from the daily stresses and strains of life...being happy and removed from the world for a bit.

Bright and early on Saturday morning (following our great sonogram on Friday), we boarded a plane destined for palm trees and sunshine. This was our second time at "The World" as a family, so our pace was much more relaxed and we were able to do only what we knew we would enjoy most. The character meals were a completely different experience (the kids loved them!), and the kids also had fun getting autographs from all the characters this time around.

We spent our first day at Hollywood Studios. Highlights of this park included visiting Lightning McQueen and Mater, the Power Rangers, and a cool Star Wars Jedi Demonstration:

Our next stop was the Animal Kingdom. We went on "safari" to see all the wild animals, but the kids' favorite part of the day was digging for dinosaur bones in "The Boneyard". These first two pics do a great job of capturing our children's personalities. I love it!

Day three took us to the Magic Kingdom...our favorite park. One of Connor's faves is the Speedway in Tomorrowland. He drove me around (insisting with much dismay that I wasn't pushing down the gas pedal all the way...he gets his SpeedRacer tendencies from his father), and Daddy and Kylee rode together.



Do you think Kylee is excited to be at Cinderella's Castle?

We ended our day with the SpectroMagic Parade and fireworks. Here's Connor gearing up for the action:

Our fourth day found us at Epcot having breakfast with the Princesses. Kylee attended dressed as Snow White. Here are some of the best shots:

Connor, on the other hand, wished the floor would just swallow him up. Mulan insisted on a photo op:

Our last day was spent in Fantasyland at the Magic Kingdom. We had a great time riding rides, and started our day with breakfast with Winnie the Pooh and his friends:

We ventured into Ariel's Grotto so the two red-headed princesses could meet:

No trip to Disney is complete without a ride in a teacup:

We also visited Mickey and Minnie's houses. Kylee was super-excited to see that Minnie had a tea set!


Connor decided on this trip that Pluto is his favorite Disney character. We found Pluto's doghouse in Mickey's backyard:

I will end with some amazing pics we snapped of the kids playing on the beach at our hotel and in the flower gardens surrounding the Lodge. I love these shots!

Although a trip to Disney is a HUGE celebration, perhaps the best thing to celebrate was that, upon our return home, we still had so many reasons to be happy. After a year of constant strain and stress, it was incredible to come home able to anticipate the arrival of a healthy baby, enjoy two wonderful kiddos, stable jobs, a comfortable home, our family and friends....and knowing that this trip was an important landmark in our healing process.

We hope and pray that you find something to celebrate...in the ordinary or in the extraordinary....today and every day.

The picture of Cinderella's Castle at night (found at the top of this post) is lovingly dedicated to the Vogel family in honor of their daughter Jael Elise, who was born and received into heaven on March 28th, 2002. Hope, I wish you could have been there to see it with me!